- RT @davidwalliams: Matt & I in the first picture from our new comedy series ‘Little World’. https://t.co/gxPVfj2Y0n 1 week ago
Peeps who interviewed me
Trailer for Underneath
Trailer for Shades of Grey
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Hello everyone. Most of you will know me as the world-famous purveyor of all things cheese. And boy do I love cheese. Cheese on toast, cheese and onion sandwiches, and even cheesecake: I love it. I paid a visit to a cheese shop in London once and found myself feeling very disappointed with the experience. The entire place stank like a baby’s nappy and the man behind the counter started waffling on and on about cheese-making techniques. Steel needles are used to make Stilton? Who cares? Just give me a lump of cheddar and piss off.
I have noticed that the world economy seems to be in dire straits and some people predict the collapse of the entire Euro zone. What are your thoughts on this matter?
I recently came back from a trip in Europe and quite frankly those French border guards are utter wankers – no matter how much I tried reasoning with them they wouldn’t let me bring back my collection of vintage erotic videos. Those Gallic perverts practically invented pornography so why are they are so prudish at the border? Anyway. The economy is a bit like a cake: you need to let it bake for just long enough, but not too long, otherwise you’re in the shit. Imagine that the eggs are the banks, the grains of flour are the people, and the mixing bowl is where your mean old bastard granddad buried his money before he died. Yeah, everything is easier with an analogy. Right, so the banks are fragile like the eggs. Actually, did you know that you can spin an egg to see if it’s gone bad? No word of a lie, that. So yeah, spin the banks and if they wobble around too much it probably means they’ve gone bad. I get all my eggs fresh from the farm so maybe you should do the same.
I keep reading articles in the newspaper about carbon tax this and carbon tax that. As an owner of a petrol-powered lawnmower is it something I should be concerned with?
A fair question. Back in my younger days I used to open all my tins by hand using my Swiss army penknife. This resulted in me building up quite an impressive bit of muscle in my forearm but after a while I got fed up with it, so these days I tend to use electric tin openers and, like you, I became worried about my carbon tax bill. For all I know this tin opener of mine might actually be petrol-powered; out on the oil rigs they generate their electricity using gas, so it stands to reason that some clever dick might have figured out how to use petrol to generate electricity in top-end tin openers. I actually popped down to my local hardware store to enquire about this. The pervert behind the counter – he has a beard so he must be a pervert – said he didn’t know. In the end I threw the tin opener away and now I just buy frozen sweetcorn instead of the tinned stuff.