Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Neighbourhood watch team leader retires
02/11/2012Posted by on
56-year old James Worthington has decided to retire after 25 years of diligent neighbourhood watching in his neighbourhood. He has described his time as a crime fighter as “The most exciting time of my life to date. Quite simply, nothing can compare to the things I have seen and experienced over the years. This one time I was up a ladder peering in at number 45 when I saw Mr Graham eating a toffee apple. Since when has a toffee apple been something you eat indoors? I found it most irregular and recorded it in my notebook as it wasn’t even Halloween.”
“When I knocked on his window to ask what the bloody hell he was playing at, he became very evasive and defensive. He claimed it was just a snack as he was hungry. I said to him ‘pull the other one mate, it’s got bells on it’. A standalone apple and a caramel chocolate bar would have made more economical sense. I never, ever got to the bottom of that particular mystery despite draining his fish pond and sleeping in his shed for a week.”
James’ crime fighting efforts put a strain on his marriage over the years that “Often left me sleeping downstairs on the sofa.” He said “When my good lady came back from the shops I would pore over the details of every receipt; if those sods at Tesco think they are outside of my zone of control then they have another think coming. I know how crafty they can be, sneaking an extra packet of Twiglets into your basket when you aren’t looking. They must think I was born yesterday.”
Local residents had been calling for him to retire for quite some time and it was an event last week that finally led to James calling it a day. “I saw the lad from down the road buy some barrier contraceptives from the chemist and my first assumption was that he might be using them as gloves to stop his fingerprints from showing up. When I got up on that ladder and peered into his room I couldn’t believe what I saw. It was disgusting!”
“I still need to check if his parents know that he’s courting.”