Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Neighbourhood watch team leader retires


56-year old James Worthington has decided to retire after 25 years of diligent neighbourhood watching in his neighbourhood. He has described his time as a crime fighter as “The most exciting time of my life to date. Quite simply, nothing can compare to the things I have seen and experienced over the years. This one time I was up a ladder peering in at number 45 when I saw Mr Graham eating a toffee apple. Since when has a toffee apple been something you eat indoors? I found it most irregular and recorded it in my notebook as it wasn’t even Halloween.”

“When I knocked on his window to ask what the bloody hell he was playing at, he became very evasive and defensive. He claimed it was just a snack as he was hungry. I said to him ‘pull the other one mate, it’s got bells on it’. A standalone apple and a caramel chocolate bar would have made more economical sense. I never, ever got to the bottom of that particular mystery despite draining his fish pond and sleeping in his shed for a week.”


James’ crime fighting efforts put a strain on his marriage over the years that “Often left me sleeping downstairs on the sofa.” He said “When my good lady came back from the shops I would pore over the details of every receipt; if those sods at Tesco think they are outside of my zone of control then they have another think coming. I know how crafty they can be, sneaking an extra packet of Twiglets into your basket when you aren’t looking. They must think I was born yesterday.”

Local residents had been calling for him to retire for quite some time and it was an event last week that finally led to James calling it a day. “I saw the lad from down the road buy some barrier contraceptives from the chemist and my first assumption was that he might be using them as gloves to stop his fingerprints from showing up. When I got up on that ladder and peered into his room I couldn’t believe what I saw. It was disgusting!”

“I still need to check if his parents know that he’s courting.”


17 responses to “Neighbourhood watch team leader retires

  1. kickingsport 02/11/2012 at 11:50 AM

    Sounds like Worthington has lost an absolute ‘legend’ here. I would imagine the only reason other residents would have for calling for him to step down would be that his investigations and invasions of privacy didn’t go far enough! Why use the ladder? Pick that lock and stash yourself in the bedroom closet – lives are at stake!

  2. Little Miss 02/11/2012 at 12:14 PM

    Brilliant! I’ll remember to watch out for ladders and keep the blinds shut. I’ll have to find another method for not leaving finger prints, he’s on to that

  3. No Blog Intended 02/11/2012 at 1:16 PM

    Haha, sometimes when I’m waiting for someone to pick me up at my house, I feel like this too…

  4. AgrippingLife 02/11/2012 at 1:24 PM

    Haha! Worthington, a legend in his own mind. Keeping the world safe from packs of Twiglets.

  5. mooselicker 02/11/2012 at 5:21 PM

    I haaaaaate people like this. They never do any good. I had some old woman threaten to call the cops and my friends and I because she didn’t recognize our cars in her parking lot. Sure, we were ringing the doorbell of a fat friend of ours then hiding on the side of the building, but she could have at least ran out and yelled at us instead of blabbing to our buddy’s grandparents.

    Old people shouldn’t be allowed to have windows.

    • Michael Cargill 02/12/2012 at 3:10 PM

      Old just shouldn’t be allowed. At all.

      There was some old biddy who lived just across from a Scout hut I used to go to when I was in the Scouts. Nosey old bint drove us mad.

  6. Lily 02/11/2012 at 6:20 PM

    I wonder if Worthington would ever realize that he’s the actual neighborhood menace. Obviously he could do no wrong. I love when people think their so smart, like they really have the world all figured out. haha.

  7. Addie 02/11/2012 at 7:41 PM

    That photo captures him perfectly. I’m not sure he ever really recovered from the week sleeping in the Graham shed. What did he eat in there, crackers? *rimshot*

  8. Anna 02/12/2012 at 8:38 PM

    The world would be so much better if every neighbourhood had a James Worthington. You can’t even deny it, it’s just so true.

  9. Pete Howorth 02/13/2012 at 1:50 AM

    He served his country well. He deserves a life of peace.

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