Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Avon calling

Hello! Susan here, your local Avon lady. Don’t worry if youjack nicholson don’t recognise me as I am used to that now. No-one ever sees me; it’s part of the Avon way. Late at night I will skulk my way up to your porch and drop the latest catalogue onto your doorstep – face down for dog owners, face up otherwise – before melting my way back into normal society… to wait. Next week I’ll be back at the same time, primed and ready to pounce on any filled-out forms. Oho, what’s this? Mr Sampson at number 56 wants a tea cosy? Watson, something is afoot!

Oh, Mr Sampson what happened? I’m more than familiar with your usual tastes – did you think this would fool me? Why, only last week I was hiding under the table as you ate dinner with your family. No, you didn’t see me because that’s the Avon way. I confess to having a spot of bother with your dog but I was forewarned by the catalogue being face up. As I peered and sniffed my way around under your house I couldn’t help but notice that you had used the purple Homer Simpson cheese grater for the cheese salad… and I shed a tear of joy.

Yes, for I well remember the day you ordered it way back in 2008 and I took a photocopy of the order form for prosperity’s sake. Order number AV1389-0A – look, it’s even tattooed onto my hand because that’s the Avon way. Last month I was watching as you sat on your dear lonesome in the pub. You ordered a Guinness and once again you failed to chastise the barman for not pouring it correctly… I wept for you. When you went to the toilet I approached your table and turned over your beer mat. I put it face up as you did not have your dog with you before remembering that you’re still a dog owner and turned it back over again. I battled with my inner self for days afterwards… such is the emotional price of having a philosophy.

Oh, Mr Sampson, how I adore thee.

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15 responses to “Avon calling

  1. A Gripping Life 02/09/2012 at 3:04 PM

    My sister actually works in the corporate offices of AVON! haha! I’ll have to share this with her. By the way, I think Avon sales are up. The Avon philosophy must really be paying off.

  2. themiddlestsister 02/09/2012 at 3:21 PM

    God, I love this one. I wish my Avon lady would turn up and send me a bottle of Skin So Soft. She must know I need it by now.

    • Michael Cargill 02/09/2012 at 8:33 PM

      Sister! Hurrah!

      Glad you liked it but I reckon your local Avon lady is probably closer to you than you realise.

      Everyone should take a gander at Middlest Sister’s blog by the way – it’s very interesting and original.

  3. No Blog Intended 02/09/2012 at 3:55 PM

    Okay, when reading the comments, it became clear that Avon is a sort of mail order. Right? I was just thinking that this is a creepy lady…

    • Michael Cargill 02/09/2012 at 8:41 PM

      Yeah, the Avon people would post the catalogues through your door and if you wanted something you would fill in the order form and let the Avon dude collect it a week later.

  4. PCC Advantage 02/09/2012 at 9:01 PM

    “No, you didn’t see me because that’s the Avon way” ~ probably one of the greatest lines you’ve ever written.

  5. Little Miss 02/10/2012 at 9:32 AM

    Must warn the kids to check under their beds for monsters and Avon ladies

  6. Lily 02/11/2012 at 12:15 AM

    “That’s the Avon way.” haha! I always thought Avon ladies were kind of cool ever since I saw Edward Scissor Hands. Wasn’t the mom an Avon lady in that? Plus, don’t they get pink cars to drive around in?

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  8. Mammasaurus 02/29/2012 at 11:55 PM

    I was once an Avon Lady #FACT

    For 2 days – and that was one of my long term positions…

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