- RT @davidwalliams: Matt & I in the first picture from our new comedy series ‘Little World’. https://t.co/gxPVfj2Y0n 1 week ago
Peeps who interviewed me
Trailer for Underneath
Trailer for Shades of Grey
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Hello! Susan here, your local Avon lady. Don’t worry if you don’t recognise me as I am used to that now. No-one ever sees me; it’s part of the Avon way. Late at night I will skulk my way up to your porch and drop the latest catalogue onto your doorstep – face down for dog owners, face up otherwise – before melting my way back into normal society… to wait. Next week I’ll be back at the same time, primed and ready to pounce on any filled-out forms. Oho, what’s this? Mr Sampson at number 56 wants a tea cosy? Watson, something is afoot!
Oh, Mr Sampson what happened? I’m more than familiar with your usual tastes – did you think this would fool me? Why, only last week I was hiding under the table as you ate dinner with your family. No, you didn’t see me because that’s the Avon way. I confess to having a spot of bother with your dog but I was forewarned by the catalogue being face up. As I peered and sniffed my way around under your house I couldn’t help but notice that you had used the purple Homer Simpson cheese grater for the cheese salad… and I shed a tear of joy.
Yes, for I well remember the day you ordered it way back in 2008 and I took a photocopy of the order form for prosperity’s sake. Order number AV1389-0A – look, it’s even tattooed onto my hand because that’s the Avon way. Last month I was watching as you sat on your dear lonesome in the pub. You ordered a Guinness and once again you failed to chastise the barman for not pouring it correctly… I wept for you. When you went to the toilet I approached your table and turned over your beer mat. I put it face up as you did not have your dog with you before remembering that you’re still a dog owner and turned it back over again. I battled with my inner self for days afterwards… such is the emotional price of having a philosophy.
Oh, Mr Sampson, how I adore thee.