Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Small, yappy dog finally decides to shut the fuck up


A dachshund dog called Max has, after four years of excessive barking, finally decided to pack it in. The decisive moment came when he was standing next to the lion enclosure during an impromptu visit to the local zoo. “There I was, looking at the big cats whilst my owners ate some ice cream, when I noticed a lion approaching me from behind the glass. He didn’t look like much so I just stared at him and bared my molars for a bit. Then he opened his mouth and roared. I was so shocked that I almost shit my pitty-pants.”

Max went on to say “Now, normally I’m a barky type of guy. And hey, why not? If I saw a bin I’d bark at it, just because. Same with a lamppost, it’s just the way it is. My mother always told me that if something looks out of place, you should bark at it. If everything looks fine, bark anyway just in case as it’s better to be safe than sorry. Mark it and bark it as they say.”


Max’s brush with death has prompted him to “Re-evaluate my priorities a bit.” He says “right after that lion got in my face, it got me thinking – is that how I look when I go on one of my barking escapades? Is that how people perceive me to be? Just a loud mouth? Do I want my kids growing up being scared of me? Uh-huh.”

“It kinda reminded me of that Monsters Inc. film. You know, where that big gay blue bear thing finally sees how much he scares children. I’ve seen that film maybe a dozen times but it’s only now that I see the wisdom behind that scene. Big blue guy, I respect you.”

“Talking of having kids, I wonder if the vet will let me have my testicles back.”

26 responses to “Small, yappy dog finally decides to shut the fuck up

  1. Little Miss 02/07/2012 at 8:54 AM

    So when a dog won’t shut up barking, I should roar at it like a lion? Fair enough.

  2. Bibsey Mama 02/07/2012 at 9:06 AM

    Halle-fucking-lujah! I wonder if Small Yapping Dog is a relation of That Fucking Dog who used to live next door to us? I’d like to say that “he don’t bark no more” but I suspect that he does. We had to move.

  3. AgrippingLife 02/07/2012 at 12:23 PM

    “Mark it and bark it.” haha! I’m an animal lover but small yappy dogs drive me mad, that, and I’m always afraid I’m going to step on one and crush it.

  4. Anna 02/07/2012 at 12:54 PM

    Oh God, this is so funny. I just chortled and spat out the smoothie I was drinking in front of all my new work colleagues, who think I’m weird anyway. You have not helped this one bit. You monstrous, wonderful man.

  5. No Blog Intended 02/07/2012 at 4:17 PM

    More people should think like this dog.

  6. mooselicker 02/07/2012 at 4:23 PM

    Monsters Inc has changed so many lives. I read that it ended the Cold War.

  7. Lily 02/07/2012 at 6:27 PM

    Max’s picture makes him look like he has a seal’s body. I’m glad Max got his life figured out. Whew! Monster’s Inc is the best Disney movie. Lets just be honest.

  8. Pete Howorth 02/07/2012 at 7:17 PM

    In an update, vet didn’t give him his testicles back as they were being scoffed by a Z List celebrity on “Im a Celebrity”. Shitaataluck there pooch.

  9. The Good Greatsby 02/08/2012 at 12:31 AM

    I think we’ve all been waiting for that dog to be taken down a notch or two.

  10. kpchicken 02/08/2012 at 4:14 AM

    Funny story, when we got our dog we neutered him like good dog owners. About a year later my wife and I got to wondering if he missed his balls so we decided to find out. I rigged a couple of large marbles into a leather pouch and tied them to his hind quarters. Then, we observed.

    It turns out that he has more in common with me than I thought. He sat right down and proceeded to lick his fake ball sack for an hour and then took a nap.

    Good dog. Good dog.

  11. Sasha 02/13/2012 at 11:07 PM

    I thoroughly enjoyed this, Michael. And not only because I absolutely adore dachshunds. Gotta love a puppy soliloquy…

    • Michael Cargill 02/14/2012 at 9:05 AM

      I am glad that my ramblings bring joy to people. Especially someone as cultured as yourself.

      I trust that life is good in Brooklyn?

      • Sasha 02/14/2012 at 1:17 PM

        Haha. Thanks!
        Good is subjective. Brooklyn is huge and there is a plethora of different neighborhoods. I’m pretty happy here but the only problem about where I live is that it takes about one hour to commute to Manhattan :/

  12. Amy French 06/11/2012 at 10:54 PM

    Unlike the other people commenting here, I have absolutely nothing witty or amusing to say. But this made me laugh so much I have tears running down my face. My husband’s grandparents used to have a dachshund called Max. He was evil.

  13. becomingcliche 04/08/2013 at 12:33 AM

    Good luck with getting the family jewels back, Max.

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