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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
You sold me queer giraffes
02/03/2012Posted by on
Antonius Proximo here… yes, the sly old sod from the film Gladiator and if anyone makes a joke about me looking just like Oliver Reed I’ll smash their face in. And before you ask, yes I’m still pissed off that someone sold me queer giraffes and it was only rheumatism and gout that stopped me from ripping fat boy’s testicles off. It’s not even the first time he has tried to con me either – last year I had an ear infection and he sold me some leeches that he claimed would cure it. It wasn’t until after he left that I realised the cheeky twat had sold me a load of bloody caterpillars. I did wonder why they were so hairy.
No doubt you are dying to hear about Maximus. By Jupiter, I’m fed up with him now. Yes, he’s great with a sword and he can fight off a dozen blokes in the arena, but there’s shit all else that he can do. You should see the state of his bedroom! It’s a tip! He also spends far too much time with those giraffes. Oh, those bloody giraffes I wish they would just die, or knee Maximus in the face or something. I can’t even remember why I bought them… probably thought they would be handy for painting the ceiling or keeping an eye out for the emperor bloke who wants to shag his sister.
Talking of the emperor, he’s a wrong ’un as well. I don’t mean for the sister thingy – although that is pretty weird in itself – but in general he gives me the creeps. If he was an animal he would probably be a giraffe. A queer giraffe, at that. See? I can’t get away from the damn things. I swear they are cursed. And, no word of a lie, I reckon they laugh at me. Every time I go near them they huddle their heads together and start whispering things to each other. I try to listen in but they are too high up for me to hear what they are saying and I even have to shut my windows at night otherwise they poke their heads in.
And with it being 110 degrees here sometimes it means I sweat like a bastard.