Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

You sold me queer giraffes

Antonius Proximo here… yes, the sly old sod from the film Gladgladiator-oliver-reediator and if anyone makes a joke about me looking just like Oliver Reed I’ll smash their face in. And before you ask, yes I’m still pissed off that someone sold me queer giraffes and it was only rheumatism and gout that stopped me from ripping fat boy’s testicles off. It’s not even the first time he has tried to con me either – last year I had an ear infection and he sold me some leeches that he claimed would cure it. It wasn’t until after he left that I realised the cheeky twat had sold me a load of bloody caterpillars. I did wonder why they were so hairy.

No doubt you are dying to hear about Maximus. By Jupiter, I’m fed up with him now. Yes, he’s great with a sword and he can fight off a dozen blokes in the arena, but there’s shit all else that he can do. You should see the state of his bedroom! It’s a tip! He also spends far too much time with those giraffes. Oh, those bloody giraffes I wish they would just die, or knee Maximus in the face or something. I can’t even remember why I bought them… probably thought they would be handy for painting the ceiling or keeping an eye out for the emperor bloke who wants to shag his sister.

Talking of the emperor, he’s a wrong ’un as well. I don’t mean for the sister thingy – although that is pretty weird in itself – but in general he gives me the creeps. If he was an animal he would probably be a giraffe. A queer giraffe, at that. See? I can’t get away from the damn things. I swear they are cursed. And, no word of a lie, I reckon they laugh at me. Every time I go near them they huddle their heads together and start whispering things to each other. I try to listen in but they are too high up for me to hear what they are saying and I even have to shut my windows at night otherwise they poke their heads in.

And with it being 110 degrees here sometimes it means I sweat like a bastard.

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21 responses to “You sold me queer giraffes

  1. Raine 02/03/2012 at 12:41 PM

    Hehehe. The last line is epic

  2. AgrippingLife 02/03/2012 at 1:34 PM

    Ha! The giraffes laugh at him and whisper about him! Antonio’s such an old curmudgeon.

  3. kickingsport 02/03/2012 at 2:24 PM

    What about queer elephants? Watch out for those trunks.

  4. Pete Howorth 02/03/2012 at 2:45 PM

    I did always wonder how he coped with the queer giraffes! Awesomeness I knew who it was just by glimpsing at the title

  5. No Blog Intended 02/03/2012 at 4:14 PM

    Giraffes aren’t very useful, I know. My parents used to tell us how our giraffe was blown away by the wind. I mean, imagine. You have a pet and then it can’t even defy wind.

  6. Little Miss 02/03/2012 at 10:02 PM

    I would quite like to have a queer giraffe. Have you ever seen 64 Zoo Lane? You could make a fortune.
    I’ve only ever been sold for Camels, so I have no advice for you

  7. Anna 02/03/2012 at 11:24 PM

    Ee’yar mayte, I’ll ‘av ’em queer ‘jaffs orf of yas. I gutta man ‘oo wants’um for ‘is gairden.

    Seriously though. I’ll pay you everything I have for those queer giraffes.

    • Michael Cargill 02/05/2012 at 11:11 AM

      I can give you a special discount. 5000 sestertius.

      Come on, cough up.

      • Anna 02/05/2012 at 8:48 PM

        Since we last spoke I may have lost everything I have, betting on snail races. Totes worth it though.

        All I have left is this biscuit I just nabbed off some kid in the street. Trade you this biscuit for the jaffs?

  8. mooselicker 02/04/2012 at 3:02 PM

    I thought all giraffes were gay. Do they have Toys R Us over in England? Geoffrey the Giraffe is a fruit who hangs around children.

  9. Internet Novice 02/04/2012 at 11:35 PM

    I have no idea what this blog is about but I loved it. It reminds me a lot of how they talk in Spartacus. Great job, very funny.

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