Beauty Baggins’ horoscopes

I got a new flavour of porridge the other day. It had a nice box and so I thought “Why not?” and bought it instead of getting me usual brand. I mixed it up and noticed that the texture was smoother than the old one and I couldn’t wait to try it out. After bunging it in the microwave for 3 minutes it came out looking bloody marvellous and I decided to put some on my face to see if it was good for me skin. Anyway, I forgot all about it and three hours later it was stuck fast like lumpy superglue. I had to sit in the bath for 3 hours to soak it off… a bath of petrol that is.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Do you like salami? No? Pepperami? Still no? Well what about ham? No again…? Are you a vegetarian? Oh, for goodness sake! Well, just have some beans then but everyone else should pop down to their local supermarket and stock up – Dr Doolittle has been taken sick so there might be a shortage of meat for a while and you don’t want to be serving cheese on toast at that dinner party you’re hosting next week.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

If you haven’t got around to washing your windows recently I suggest that you do so. It’s a boring and tedious job but you’ll reap the benefits soon enough. Imagine that you fell and hit your head whilst watching TV or making yourself a sandwich in the kitchen – when the neighbours start peeking in through your windows you don’t want their view blocked with all that grime that has been building up.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Do you drink your tea in a mug or in a dainty little cup? I bet you cup-users even have a little saucer as well and sip at it as if you’re a special little princess. Man, you lot piss me off you do – just use a mug like the rest of us. Throw those cups and saucers away and you now have loads of extra cupboard space. See? No doubt you will soon fall back into your hoarding ways and fill the shelves with Weetabix or something equally pointless.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

I watched a Batman film the other day. It was great stuff, all dark and moody and everything. There was this one bit, where he did a double-backflip somersault off a table and swung off the lightshade thing on the ceiling. Contrary to how easy it looks in the film, it’s actually bloody hard to do yourself – I’ve had this crick in my neck ever since and it makes looking up at the menu in McDonalds really tricky.