Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Lightbulb has no regrets as filament finally burns out
01/24/2012Posted by on
An incandescent light bulb has stated that, although he is sad that his life as a light-provider is now over, he is “More than happy with the life I led,” and is proud to say that he “Probably even managed to prevent a rape or two.” “This is a pretty rough area,” he explained. “Plenty of scumbags around just waiting for a prolonged period of darkness so that they can carry out their scumbaggery. Well, not on my watch they didn’t and I like to think that every lady who walked within my sphere of bulbousness felt safe the entire time.”
Describing the penultimate moment just before his filament finally fizzled out, he said that it was “Not as bad as I thought it would be though I could definitely feel it happening. There was a kind of a silence and then what sounded like a train coming towards me. You know that feeling you get when you’re about to burp? It was like that but with a few thousand volts of electricity running through your backside. And then that was it. It went all dark and I just stayed there wondering if I was going to get a gold watch or a certificate or something.”
The bulb went on to say “Some people really don’t understand bulbs at all which surprises me. Once someone tried to unscrew me right after turning me off. I sat there the whole time thinking ‘don’t do it man, don’t be stupid’. All he had to do was go and check on something for a few minutes whilst I cooled down, but no, and his impatience earned him a nice set of burnt fingers as a result. You know what they say – more haste, less speed.”
Speaking about the new energy-saving lightbulbs that are swamping the marketplace, he said “Yeah, those new guys are definitely the future. Guys like me, we’re just dinosaurs now with our delicate little filament wobbling away every time we’re moved but the traditionalists will miss us. You can tell by the way they sometimes put us up by their ear and shake us to see if we’re still working – that’s an emotional bond right there. It’s sad, but there you go.”
“I just hope I get put into the correct recycling container this evening. No way do I want to end up with the paper waste.”