Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Lightbulb has no regrets as filament finally burns out

bulbIgnite

An incandescent light bulb has stated that, although he is sad that his life as a light-provider is now over, he is “More than happy with the life I led,” and is proud to say that he “Probably even managed to prevent a rape or two.” “This is a pretty rough area,” he explained. “Plenty of scumbags around just waiting for a prolonged period of darkness so that they can carry out their scumbaggery. Well, not on my watch they didn’t and I like to think that every lady who walked within my sphere of bulbousness felt safe the entire time.”

Describing the penultimate moment just before his filament finally fizzled out, he said that it was “Not as bad as I thought it would be though I could definitely feel it happening. There was a kind of a silence and then what sounded like a train coming towards me. You know that feeling you get when you’re about to burp? It was like that but with a few thousand volts of electricity running through your backside. And then that was it. It went all dark and I just stayed there wondering if I was going to get a gold watch or a certificate or something.”

Burnt

The bulb went on to say “Some people really don’t understand bulbs at all which surprises me. Once someone tried to unscrew me right after turning me off. I sat there the whole time thinking ‘don’t do it man, don’t be stupid’. All he had to do was go and check on something for a few minutes whilst I cooled down, but no, and his impatience earned him a nice set of burnt fingers as a result. You know what they say – more haste, less speed.”

Speaking about the new energy-saving lightbulbs that are swamping the marketplace, he said “Yeah, those new guys are definitely the future. Guys like me, we’re just dinosaurs now with our delicate little filament wobbling away every time we’re moved but the traditionalists will miss us. You can tell by the way they sometimes put us up by their ear and shake us to see if we’re still working – that’s an emotional bond right there. It’s sad, but there you go.”

“I just hope I get put into the correct recycling container this evening. No way do I want to end up with the paper waste.”

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23 responses to “Lightbulb has no regrets as filament finally burns out

  1. The Hook 01/24/2012 at 1:30 PM

    Incredibly creative post! Where do you get your wonderful ideas?

  2. A Gripping Life 01/24/2012 at 1:58 PM

    I’m pretty sure, not 100%, that he gets his ideas from scanning the immediate area around him. Either that, or Mr. Cargill is in desperate need of a little medication. I find that when people start personifying everyday objects that there’s likely a chemical imbalance.

    Actually, this was quite brilliant! Get it? Brilliant, just like a lightbulb! (Of course I’m talking about the traditional, far superior, lightbulbs.)

  3. Raine 01/24/2012 at 2:24 PM

    Seriously….best headline ever. I immediately clicked on it to read this. This was my FAVORITE by far. Absolutely hysterical!

  4. No Blog Intended 01/24/2012 at 4:32 PM

    I’m still surprised about how you succeed in giving a voice to things you never pay attention to. (Is giving a voice actually a real expression?)

  5. Lily 01/24/2012 at 5:22 PM

    I’m starting to feel like I’m reading articles from The Onion. So entertaining. I would have never thought of something like that!

  6. hardtosayreally 01/24/2012 at 7:46 PM

    Great post! I definitely lolzed. I think his willingness to pass the torch to the new generation of bulbs is incredibly awe-inspiring. What humility!

  7. Mistress Mummy 01/24/2012 at 7:54 PM

    Our lightbulb died earlier. I now feel rather sorry for it, rather than mad that I can’t see a blooming thing! Great post

  8. mooselicker 01/24/2012 at 8:55 PM

    Traditional lightbulbs are so much better than those gay strobe lights. There’s a special place in hell for those.

    Imagine the amount of rapes this lightbulb prevented. I know it’s stopped me a few times.

  9. jell jell @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown 01/25/2012 at 1:59 AM

    This one was so funny! I love picturing what a bulb is thinking, and what kind of interview it would give. Superb.

  10. nancyelizabethlauzon 01/26/2012 at 8:00 PM

    Michael, I voted for your blog over at funny blogs and made a comment. Go go go!

  11. PCC Advantage 01/26/2012 at 8:43 PM

    This post almost makes me feel sad about finding pleasure in smashing old light bulbs. I don’t feel like an age-ist so much as I feel like a bulb-ist.

    I need to amend my ways.

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