Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

The maverick’s maverick

I am a maverick, yeah? I do what I want, yeah? Spontaneity is what I ajoker cardm all about and I don’t care about you or anyone else. If I’m on the bus or the tram and I want to do the Lambada with a Yorkshire terrier then I will. If I’m in church and I fancy performing a magic card trick right when everyone else is singing Jerusalem, then I bloody well will. And, you know what? If you have a problem with that, well quite frankly I couldn’t give a tinker’s cuss. You can take your complaint and shove it in a box until you find someone who gives a damn.

The other day I saw a woman with a small dog. The dog was going nuts and after a fashion it started driving me a bit nuts, too. “Lady,” I said, whilst clicking my fingers next to her ear. “Shut your bloody mutt up will you? It’s driving me bananas.” You know what? She zapped me. That wizened old crone, with the wonky nose and barbed moustache, done me up like a good ‘un and I was laying there on the floor completely paralysed with her bloody mutt going nuts in my ear. The woman looked at me and smiled. At least I think it was a smile, I don’t know, I ain’t a doctor – could’ve been Parkinsons or something. I’m a maverick, so health stuff is not my area of expertise.

If I was a Doc then I would of course be using all kinds of zany and innovative treatments, just like those dudes in the 15th century. Got a bit of a headache? ‘ave some leeches on your face, mate. Broken leg? Get your dirty bones off my operating table – gently mind, it hurts if you bang them too hard on the floor – and have a couple of stag beetles in your coffee. Be right as rain by dinner time. If them beetles are hibernating ‘cos of the winter then you are a bit stuck so try some twigs or tiger teeth instead. Pain is all in the mind anyway, so it’s your own fault if it still hurts.

If your leg goes bad and falls off, well, I couldn’t give a tinker’s cuss.

15 responses to “The maverick’s maverick

  1. kickingsport 01/22/2012 at 11:51 AM

    Old women are an absolute menace these days!

  2. A Gripping Life 01/22/2012 at 2:05 PM

    This maverick scares me. He’s like the guy from A Clockwork Orange. You seem to have more than your fair share of these characters in the UK. Maybe it’s just the contrast of everyone else walking around all uptight and repressed? haha!
    I’m thrilled I don’t live in the 15th century, for these exact reasons. “‘ave some leeches on your face, mate.” haha!

    • Michael Cargill 01/22/2012 at 8:41 PM

      I haven’t ever actually seen A Clockwork Orange. I am not too keen on films older than about 1991 so probably won’t ever bother with it.

      Predator is an exception to this arbitrary date I have chosen.

  3. Lily 01/22/2012 at 5:15 PM

    Maverick scares me too. People who are overly tough frighten me. Why not let your guard down, little maverick? For some reason I like when people get shocked. Its so cartoonish.

    • Michael Cargill 01/22/2012 at 8:42 PM

      I bet your entire house is surrounded with an electric fence, just so you can watch and cackle at people getting electrocuted.

      You should record it happening, I bet it’s hilarious.

  4. mooselicker 01/22/2012 at 7:12 PM

    Wasn’t there a Mel Gibson movie called Maverick? I believe he was an anti-Semite mayor in the American West. As opposed to being an anti-Semite Scotsman in Braveheart and an anti-Semite loon in The Beaver. I guess what I’m trying to say, any relation to Mel Mr. Maverick?

    • Michael Cargill 01/22/2012 at 8:47 PM

      I have only seen the last 20 minutes or so of Maverick so I don’t how much anti-Semitism is present in the film. Probably quite a lot as he has long hair and your hair holds samples of your DNA going back months.

      And he has loads of that.

  5. No Blog Intended 01/23/2012 at 6:53 PM

    Again, no more respect, not even for mavericks. I don’t know if I dare to leave my house anymore in this rude world. I will just exist on the Internet. Waaaaay cooler anyway.

  6. Anna 01/23/2012 at 8:36 PM

    I fucking love you!

    Maaaayyyyte. Waaa-aaa-aaay!

  7. darkjade68 01/23/2012 at 11:39 PM

    Hey Michael, The Dark Globe is going to be what I’m calling a “February Shoot Off!” starting February 1st-Feb 14th… What this is, is a Photography Contest based on a Certain Theme, that is yet to be determined… Unlike the Outstanding Artist Awards, Readers will not be Voting, instead there will be a 9 Judge Panel… This Panel will be my 3 Senior Writers, my Senior Photographer, and I’m hoping you, Lorna, Harry and Kirsty (La Plume Noire), the Artist Award Winners basically, Pete also being one, but he is also a Senior Writer.

    I’d love for you to be one of the Judges, as we will ask people to Submit Pictures (via Links I’d imagine), and the Judges will widdle it down to Finalists

    Anyway, let me know if you’d be willing to be one of the 9 Judges

    Thanks Michael


    • Michael Cargill 01/24/2012 at 8:13 AM

      Yeah, can do if you want. Should be a good bit of wotsit but I warn you – I am no photographer myself!

      But I can certainly look at photos and give an opinion on them.

  8. The Hook 01/24/2012 at 1:31 PM

    Excellent post! Thank God the world is nuts and provides such wonderful inspiration, right?

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