Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Queen Elizabeth turns down offer of yacht; would prefer vouchers instead

GroundedMichael Gove

Michael Gove, the British Secretary of State for Education, has had his offer of a yacht to the Queen embarrassingly thrown back in his face when she remarked “After bearing witness to the disaster in Italy, one has decided to holiday closer to home for the Diamond Jubilee.” A Buckingham Palace spokesman has also confirmed that the Queen is “Not at all interested in entertaining Mr Gove’s offer to act out his favourite scenes from the film Titanic.”

This is yet another blow to Michael Gove’s ambitions to be taken seriously after last week’s disastrous visit to a school where he mistook a lunch tray for an iPad. Sources say he picked the tray up and marvelled at the fact that “these things are so lightweight and portable these days.” Canteen staff looked on in amazement as he went on to ask “So how would I go about ordering a marmalade sandwich then?”

Confused

The list of gaffes committed by British governments towards the Royal Family has been growing ever since the 1983 incident when Margaret Thatcher told Princess Diana that “No, your bloody kids can’t have any free milk.” In 2005 Tony Blair famously asked Fergie “So, er, where do you get your wigs from? I’m going a bit thin on top these days so need some advice.”

Prince Philip has responded in typical fashion to the yacht offer by stating “Boats are a bloody load of shit,” and that a better gift would be “Some twat from the army to fly us around in a helicopter.”

“Gove looks like Spongebob Squarepants and always has an expression that suggests he is waiting for someone to feed him a dog turd.”

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29 responses to “Queen Elizabeth turns down offer of yacht; would prefer vouchers instead

  1. Raine 01/16/2012 at 10:08 AM

    That last line is epic my friend. Although not magical like K-drama, your blog is quite charming – in the “I need to keep an extra pair of undies in case I pee myself” way.

  2. AgrippingLife 01/16/2012 at 12:31 PM

    Isn’t it wonderful that the Royal family can provide endless comic material for it’s countrymen.
    lol! “No your bloody kids can’t have any free milk.”
    I just saw The Iron Lady with Meryl Streep. I quite enjoyed it, especially re-living all the riots, the IRA bombings, the Falkland Islands, etc. Good times! (Of course I’m only joking)

    • Michael Cargill 01/16/2012 at 2:01 PM

      God bless their privileged, artificially-elevated social status. They provide plenty of material I will give you that. And Kate Middleton is lovely.

      Thatcher is still quite a controversial figure over here.

      By the way do you use two different PCs? I notice that sometimes your name links to your blog and sometimes it doesn’t. I am wondering if you have two different WordPress accounts.

      • AgrippingLife 01/16/2012 at 5:48 PM

        If I do it’s because I don’t have a clue as to what I’m doing. I’m as simple as they come, I’m afraid. I need Lily to address all of my issues. I’d let you cancel out the other account but you would need my password, right? See how silly I am? I do have an iPad and I use the home computer, as well. In life I’m quite resourceful but on the computer I turn into an imbecile! I’m so intimidated.

        • AgrippingLife 01/16/2012 at 5:48 PM

          Oh, and for what it’s worth, I love Margret Thatcher : )

          • Michael Cargill 01/16/2012 at 8:19 PM

            Is that because of the film or did you like her in general?

            Being born in 1979 I was far too young to experience her time myself but I have seen many heated debates about her on some forums! Each side is very passionate about their stance.

            My take on it is that she had some huge decisions to make in her time due to the mess the country was in. Some things she got right, some things she got wrong. Ultimately the nation was in a far better position in 1991 than it was in 1979.

            She is due a state funeral when she passes away.

            • A Gripping Life 01/17/2012 at 12:11 AM

              Were you really born in 1979??? I thought you were much older?
              I like her conservative philosophy. I’m a republican and I’m all about shrinking the size of the government. There’s so much over spending and so much expanding of the government that businesses are dying left and right. All these new government regulations are killing small businesses and jobs, etc. We could easily go the way of Greece, unless somebody steps in and turns things around. I WISH we had a Margaret Thatcher! (No one is perfect but she had the right ideas.) I’m just saying… ; )

    • Addie 01/16/2012 at 4:23 PM

      I watched Billy Elliot last week with my daughter (cue copious tears). We both decided the perfect double feature would be Billy Elliot and The Iron Lady (especially if they could dub in her saying, “I hear one of the miners has a son with dreams of dancing. Crush those dreams.”

  3. Anna 01/16/2012 at 3:02 PM

    Ha! The Royals. Always there with there hoo-haa and lol-worthiness.

    It’s almost enough to make you not want to kill them. Almost.

  4. hardtosayreally 01/16/2012 at 3:21 PM

    Someone was telling me recently about how Kate got scolded by the Queen Mum for going out in public without wearing pantyhose. Apparently natural, shiny woman leg is verboten? Please confirm. One needs to know the answers to such pivotal questions.

    • Michael Cargill 01/16/2012 at 3:30 PM

      Well the Queen Mum copped it in 2002 and I don’t think Kate was getting the Princely Penis until about 2005 or so.

      Maybe it was the Queen herself who said it? Doesn’t like the thought of the commoner’s air touching one’s leg. I wouldn’t have thought so to be honest – probably one of them urban myths like Chuck Norris eating light sabers for breakfast.

  5. Addie 01/16/2012 at 4:25 PM

    Well, I have to say, the vouchers make gift giving for the woman who owns everything JK Rowling doesn’t, easier.

  6. Lily 01/16/2012 at 6:18 PM

    Haha mistook a lunch tray for an iPad. So good. I can only guess that someone on the cruise tried to reenact the Titanic “I’m the king of the world!!” scene. They jinxed the whole cruise.

    • Michael Cargill 01/16/2012 at 9:13 PM

      Yup. A 500 bajillion ton behemoth of a boat capsised ‘cos of a randy couple standing right at the front on the railings.

      Italian incompetence means I wouldn’t be surprised if it was true.

  7. No Blog Intended 01/16/2012 at 7:31 PM

    *looks at picture*
    *rereads last sentence*
    *giggles*

  8. AgrippingLife 01/16/2012 at 10:26 PM

    This is a comment from my iPad.

    • Michael Cargill 01/16/2012 at 10:27 PM

      Yeah, your name isn’t linked to your blog this time. Logout of WordPress there and then log back in again using your newer details that you use to update your own blog.

  9. mooselicker 01/17/2012 at 12:52 AM

    I don’t know who that man is but I think he’d do some great lip work.

    And does anyone like the Royal Family over there anymore? Or at they like our celebrities who have sex on camera now?

  10. BuddhaKat 01/22/2012 at 11:22 PM

    oh my… sounds like a case of the “haves and the have yachts”, doncha know… sorry – could not resist – that’s a pretty good line… well done, my man… 🙂

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