Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Fooling people is easy

Geoff Broccoli here and I am going to let you in on a little secret: fooling people is very easy and is the key to getting what ypinocchioou want. I first realised this when I came back from lunch rubbing my stomach and said “Mmmm, what a lovely apple.” People then started asking me what type of apple I had eaten yet here is the kicker: I hadn’t actually eaten any apples at all. I had fooled every single person with that little lie and it served as my wake up call. Eager to capitalise on my success, the next day I announced “Oooh, the price of Mars Bars these days is shocking,” to which everyone around me agreed. It had been a good three years since I’d last attempted to purchase a Mars Bar.

It wasn’t long until the whole town was under my spell and deeply woven among my web of lies. I told a bus driver I had been waiting for thirty minutes when I had in fact only just arrived at the bus stop; I received a free sachet of tartare sauce in a cafe despite that fact I hadn’t ordered any fish; I told the serving girl in the coffee shop that I wanted a receipt for my skinny latte and chocolate caramel slice so I could claim it on my corporate expenses account… and when I got outside I threw the slice away. I am diabetic and cannot eat sugary snacks. I was also unemployed at the time and so couldn’t claim it on expenses.

The gullibility of mankind is breath-taking in its naivety and this has even spread to the machines that we build for ourselves. Even the GPS in my car can be fooled by telling it I am going somewhere that I am not, although this particular piece of devilry resulted in me crashing into a wall so I haven’t bothered experimenting any further with it.

I went into the ladies changing room at my local gym and pretended to be a peeping tom taking photos of the women in the shower. The camera on my phone was broken so the police could only charge me with voyeurism rather than trespassing with intent; that’s six weeks in jail rather than eight months and I even qualified for legal aid – win-win all round.

I’ve even managed to fool you as my name isn’t Geoff.

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36 responses to “Fooling people is easy

  1. AgrippingLife 01/14/2012 at 12:43 PM

    lol! Welcome to America, I think we lie more than any other country. So our rules and laws are much stricter. Everyone is suspect. Plus people have installed cameras everywhere. Only the criminal genius can get away with that stuff. Geoff should stay in England where he can continue his life of petty crime.

  2. No Blog Intended 01/14/2012 at 12:54 PM

    You can start doubting everything. People lie all the time. It’s actually very interesting how we try to influence people by changing the truth.
    Maybe bloggers lie even more than other people because they need to seem interesting…

  3. A Gripping Life 01/14/2012 at 1:29 PM

    No Blog Intended.
    I think about that all the time. I’m so trusting but I believe you’re right. I’m sure the blog world provides an opportunity for people to try on another persona especially when they don’t like who they really are?
    I would be exhausted if I lived any part of a lie. It would take too much energy.

  4. mooselicker 01/14/2012 at 3:12 PM

    “I told the girl in the coffee shop that I wanted a receipt for my medium latte and chocolate caramel slice so I could claim it on my corporate expenses account. When I got outside I threw the slice away. I am diabetic and cannot eat sugary snacks. I was also unemployed at the time and so couldn’t claim it on expenses.” – NotGeoff

    This is my new favorite character

    • Michael Cargill 01/14/2012 at 7:11 PM

      The reaction I get from some of my posts surprises me sometimes. I thought this was a relatively weak one and didn’t have any plans to make a character out of Geoff here.

      I guess I shall have to consider this…!

  5. Pete Howorth 01/14/2012 at 4:05 PM

    Ahahahahahahahaha! Mate, this made me literally laugh out loud all the way through. I’m with Sir Moose, definitely a new favourite!

  6. Mistress Mummy 01/14/2012 at 4:32 PM

    Haha this is Brilliant. True message, we are all too trusting.

    • Michael Cargill 01/14/2012 at 7:13 PM

      Yes, I remember you blogging about that actually!

      In my back garden I have this new monument called the Eiffel Tower. Some French bloke built it – fancy popping round for a look…?

  7. Stephen 01/14/2012 at 8:06 PM

    Found you through f365 and by-christ you’re funny. Seriously “lol’d” at the locker room bit. What a great post. Keep it up.

  8. Addie 01/14/2012 at 8:49 PM

    I presume Geoff will be entering politics soon? Like Lisa, I don’t lie–not even to say, “Why yes, that poncho is a good purchase!”. Especially not then. Living in LieTown is exhausting–plus, my memory is so shit, I’d forget what I had said and have to go look it up in the copious notes I’d have to keep in a notebook I’d misplace with my reading glasses so, really, why bother? Unless I was trying to get a tartar sauce packet, as I like the taste of tartar sauce.

    • Michael Cargill 01/14/2012 at 11:56 PM

      Geoff now has a criminal record so is more than suited to a life in politics.

      I know what you mean about telling too many porky pies. I am not very good at keeping them going so don’t really bother with fibs all that much.

      • No Blog Intended 01/15/2012 at 10:18 AM

        Lying without people ever noticing it must be a sort of art.
        I’d rather stick with shadiness: ‘of course I didn’t mean it like that!’. The art of making people believe they got you wrong.

  9. Lily 01/15/2012 at 5:15 PM

    I like Geoff. He really thinks he’s pulling the wool over people’s eyes. Liars, like my mom said, must have an exhausting life. Having to keep up with everything they’ve ever lied about seems stressful.

  10. readytochangenow 01/15/2012 at 7:50 PM

    Pefect example of being so focused on the small that you miss the big – Geoff reminds me a lot of myself – excpet it is myself I lie to 🙂

  11. Anna 01/15/2012 at 9:42 PM

    A few weeks ago I turned down some Christmas chocolate from one of my new work colleagues, saying that I was Diabetic.

    Then I went home and ate some cake. Fooling people into thinking you are actually a much better Diabetic than you really are? MEGA-WIN.

  12. Sasha 01/17/2012 at 1:19 AM

    Maybe it would just take too much energy to question what people tell us/what happens to us all the time? It’s easier to believe, and it feels better to not know something that may make you feel fooled. After all, what does the cashier at the coffee shop care that you lied? She’s just at work and work is work.

  13. Addie 01/17/2012 at 5:27 PM

    Great post, Geoff! ;P

  14. Shelbi 01/17/2012 at 7:03 PM

    This made me giggle. Thank you for that! Also, this is the first post of yours I’ve read, so you’re at 100% funny right now. How cool is that!

  15. mum of one 01/19/2012 at 11:34 PM

    You are insane Mr Cargill. Wonderfully so. Which, ironically, on occasion keeps me sane. No other blog makes me giggle quite so hard x

  16. Bindu John 02/01/2012 at 2:21 PM

    Telling lies is an art that needs a lot of practice and observation. Not easy for all. Really amusing – glad that I found it. Your style is unique.

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