Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Welcome to my world of pies

pieMy name is Bob and I run Mrs Higgins’ Pie Shop. However, there is no Mrs Higgins and it wasn’t established in 1876 as the sign outside claims; it is less a shop and more of a cross between a bakery, a cafe, and a kitchen with nothing but industrial microwaves in it. And although I do sell pies they certainly aren’t my biggest profit-maker… oh no, no, no… that particular accolade goes to the soup. Oh wonderful soup of lusciousness, how I love thee. Not for your taste or for your texture but for the clink clink sound of profits as the gullible hordes gurgle you down.

“Please come on in, dear sir,” I chime as a customer enters my domain, “would you like a steak and kidney pie? Maybe a minted lamb pasty? Or how about the soup of the day…?” I produce the best shit-eating sycophantic grin that my money-hungry mouth can conjure and gesture, tantalisingly, towards the steaming pot beside me. Oh how easily the people are fooled; open up a few dented tins of tomato soup, bung in a peeled onion or two, and suddenly you have an elixir of happiness. Their eyes glaze over with rustic joyousness the moment they catch a glimpse of the earthenware ceramic pot and the sight of the Victorian ladle makes them forget about their iPhones of nonsense for just a moment.

“Drink it up, while it’s still steaming!” I jovially instruct them, “And don’t forget your complimentary buttered roll,” I cry as I stifle a sneer. Yes, a ‘complimentary’ bit of stale bread that not even the birds would bother with yet it makes their entire journey worthwhile. And yes, I know that you stole an extra one when my back was turned. You didn’t think I saw, did you? Oh, I see it all… I expect it… I positively encourage it. It gives you a warm feeling of victory over me as the realisation of paying £6.49 for a scoop of lukewarm liquid dawns on you. And you will be back for more, craving that sense of victory.

You pathetic toad.

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39 responses to “Welcome to my world of pies

  1. Pete Howorth 01/10/2012 at 1:22 PM

    Ahahaha! I loved this! I can imagine this is how real cafe owners are like. It’s almost how I operated when I was “cheffing” at Ibis Hotel!

  2. Lisa 01/10/2012 at 1:24 PM

    HAHA! I think this sums up my travels through England. In fact, I’m quite certain that I’ve met Bob at Mrs. Higgin’s Pie shop? Let’s face it, the UK isn’t known for it’s culinary delights. And the trickery, oh how they pray on stupid tourists who want to feel as though they’ve stepped into a time warp and are in Merry olde England!

    I just avoid the whole thing and choose to eat at Wagamama’s. Much safer.

  3. Lisa 01/10/2012 at 1:27 PM

    I have an iPad. I tend to use it when resting on my Ralph Lauren sofa and sipping a mochachino. I get my mochas delivered straight from Columbia you know. By express helicopter. The pilot wears Gucchi shoes and has never sneezed loud enough to wake my cat up.

    The cat was raised by the Dalai Lama and can miaow in four languages.

    • Addie 01/10/2012 at 10:39 PM

      You know I snorted in laughter. Then, I had my maid bring me one of my Irish linen napkins to blot my lips. I think she’s dating your pilot.

    • Lisa 01/10/2012 at 10:50 PM

      Hahahah! Everyone knows your writing style, Michael. My little pea brain could not have thought of such a richly detailed scenario. Please tell me you did not dress up to write that bit. : )

  4. Mistress Mummy 01/10/2012 at 1:34 PM

    This is brilliant. I used to work in a pub, did feel sorry for the couple who came in every week for ‘homemade’ soup… It was Heinz!

  5. No Blog Intended 01/10/2012 at 4:16 PM

    I’m hungry right now. Whatever you say, you make me long to that damn soup with buttered roll! I expect it delivered right here tomorrow at 6.

  6. Lily 01/10/2012 at 6:22 PM

    I would have been one of those saps that fell for the soup. Soup is just so comforting!

  7. kickingsport 01/10/2012 at 8:17 PM

    Insightful work. You know I have a pile of stale buns under my duvet?

  8. michaeljones909 01/10/2012 at 8:54 PM

    This reminds me about the time coke cola try’d to sell us pure bottled water at ridiculous prices,it turn’t out it was tap water!,are own tap water!!.Coke Cola “see the whole world smiling”…they where falling about laughing… LOL 🙂

  9. Addie 01/10/2012 at 10:40 PM

    I’ve been a waitress. If I ever tell what I’ve seen happen in kitchens, I will be hunted down and gutted for soup.

    • Pete Howorth 01/10/2012 at 11:05 PM

      Someone I worked with at Ibis burnt a garlic bread and threw it in the bin, realised we had ran out of garlic bread so picked out the burnt one from the bin and scraped off the burnt bits. I fear for my life when I eat anywhere after seeing my own colleague do that.

    • Michael Cargill 01/10/2012 at 11:05 PM

      Go on then. Spill the beans.

      My brothers work in kitchens and have a few amusing tales. Like ‘roasting’ a full chicken in the fat fryer from frozen.

  10. verlore 01/11/2012 at 4:47 AM

    What is this awesomeness!

  11. mooselicker 01/11/2012 at 9:31 PM

    Any pie recommendations for next Monday? It’s Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday, a big holiday in the states. I don’t want to go with the traditional chocolate. Any ideas would be helpful.

    P.S. Pie is a slang term for vaginas

  12. older mum (in a muddle) 02/06/2012 at 8:56 AM

    I always pass on the complimentary roll!

  13. Pingback: 06-02-12 Love Humour Weekly Showcase

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