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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Beauty Baggins new year
01/08/2012Posted by on
New year, new stuff! Huzzah! Out with the old and in with the new… and how I wish I could do that with my miserable bastard in-laws. I’ve actually decided to give next-door’s cat a fresh start. I’ve become bored of the turf wars and it would make life easier for both of us if we could just get along. Ah, there he is now in fact. Sauntering along the wall as deft as, well, as a cat. Oh, he jumped down again… just look at the cute little devil pawing curiously at the earth… and now he’s squatting down… what is he- oy! Clear off you feral little bastard and do your business somewhere else! God, I hate the furry twat.
Pisces, Taurus, Gemini
Make sure you check out all the sales as there are plenty of bargains to be had. No, I don’t mean nonsense like handbags and power drills, I mean the HDMI cables that go in your TV. Get rid of the cheap and nasty ones you use and buy the decent ones whilst they are on offer – at half a month’s wages they simply can’t be ignored! And stop looking at me like that. If you’re going to watch Big Brother and Oprah at least sort your equipment out.
Cancer, Leo, Scorpio
Do you drink coffee? You should do as it’s great for helping you operate heavy machinery late at night. A delivery truck is going to crash and overturn in your area this week so I suggest that you prime and oil your most rugged shopping trolley and get ready to smash and grab your way to caffeine excess. Take a brolly as well so you can fight off that fat cow from over the road.
Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra
Kids love Lego; I love Lego; Hoovers hate it. Solve this dilemma by laying plastic sheets all over your house. Come hovering time at the end of the week, just gather the sheets up and throw them away – your hoover will be ever so thankful to you. You might need to get another box for the plastic recycling though.
Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries
I believe it’s time to clear out that loft of yours. Make sure you go up there quietly and slowly, so as not to disturb the giant wasp’s nest that’s perched delicately above the entrance. Don’t trip over the Sodastream machine that you got for Xmas back in 1984 either. Right, that box of yo-yos over in the corner? Get it and get it quickly, before you get stung. Good. Remember that your hand co-ordination is awful and yo-yos are for idiots so throw them all away you awful, awful person.