Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Charlie Sheen to release build-your-own Charlie Sheen magazine


Madcap heartthrob Charlie Sheen has announced that he is in talks with publishers to “Put himself in every household and news-stand in America,” so that “Everyone can see what makes Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen.” He wants the very first issue to come with a fully-assembled head as it will “Get me right there, in your face, and watching you at night.” Ever the gentleman, Sheen said he “Promises to close his eyes when you are getting dressed.”

Several name suggestions cropped up during a recent brainstorming session, with ‘The Sheen Machine Magazine’ and ‘Charlie Foxtrot Alpha Sheen’ being the most popular. Sheen himself is particularly keen on calling it ‘Hello, my name is Charlie Sheen and this is my magazine’ because it is “Simple and to the point. And it rhymes. I like rhymes and I like baked beans, it’s why the ‘beans means Heinz’ slogan was so good. The more you say it the better it gets and I’m going to be saying it all day now.”


Always on the lookout for an innovative approach, by week 15 he hopes to “Include removable penis attachments with each one having a different porn star on the end of them.” Each issue will have “a small picture of a bag of cocaine hidden somewhere among the pages,” with “A special prize of baked beans going to the first person to find it each week.”

This latest venture comes hot on the heels of numerous other endorsements and brands such as ‘Sheeno Beans’, ‘Sheeno Beans on Wheels’ and an investigative documentary on supermarket price fixing called ‘How much are you paying for your beans?’

Responding to rumours about the state of his mental health, Sheen cryptically stated that he “Tends to feel a bit cranky if I haven’t had my morning coffee beans yet.”

27 responses to “Charlie Sheen to release build-your-own Charlie Sheen magazine

  1. michaeljones909 01/06/2012 at 11:53 AM

    Haha!…”Charlie foxtrot alpha sheen” very clever,i think the man himself would be proud of that one.
    Where would celebrity be without the charlies of this world,they don’t make em like the sheen machine anymore…
    Great post 🙂

  2. Lisa 01/06/2012 at 12:29 PM

    I think you’ve accurately captured the essence of Charlie Sheen. What a total loser!

    • Anonymous 01/06/2012 at 1:24 PM

      I’d like to amend my comment, since I am a licensed counselor, so that I might sound a little more professional. Charlie Sheen is Bi-polar. He seems to have demonstrated a few breaks with reality in his acute phase. I believe he needs medication, perhaps, lithium to balance his brain chemistry. He definitely needs therapy and someone to intervene and get him to stop self medicating. – now I feel better. : )

  3. kickingsport 01/06/2012 at 4:27 PM

    This is like being on a drug. Called Charlie Sheen!

  4. mooselicker 01/06/2012 at 5:56 PM

    I heard the advertisements are supposed to be all things that his brother Emilio is selling. He’s fallen on hard times.

    Never knew the guy loved beans so much. I thought the only constant shit coming out of him would shoot out his mouth, not his ass. (poop joke #1 of the day for me)

  5. Lily 01/06/2012 at 7:36 PM

    I would buy a magazine called Charlie Foxtrot Alpha Sheen. Definitely reaches out the militaristic side of me. Charming Charlie!

  6. Becoming Bitter 01/06/2012 at 10:11 PM

    *Finds a letter on the ground*

    Dearest Sheen,

    I love you.



  7. Addie 01/08/2012 at 1:24 AM

    Not a single paragraph nor comment failed to make me laugh. I was supposed to laugh, right? I mean, it isn’t serious–is it?

    Every time I see his father’s name, I have this image of him going, “Where did I go wrong?? Was it when I changed to an American name to be able to provide for my family???”

    • Michael Cargill 01/08/2012 at 12:02 PM

      I didn’t actually know that it wasn’t his real name until you and Moose pointed it out. All these months of blogging and POW! I get a bit of news like that.

      It’s what makes it all worthwhile.

  8. Addie 01/09/2012 at 4:34 AM

    How funny is it one of his sons went the whole American name thing and the other stuck with the Mexican name thing. Strange–but, true.

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