- RT @davidwalliams: Matt & I in the first picture from our new comedy series ‘Little World’. https://t.co/gxPVfj2Y0n 1 week ago
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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
A hearty hello to my dear horsey-hounders and a cautious nod to the few remaining houndy-horsers amongst us. I know we have our differences but broadly speaking I guess you could say that we’re all neighing in the same barn… or barking in the same kennel if that’s more your thing. Christmas has been and gone and what a delightful time it was! I gave Gertrude a new set of platinum-plated horse shoes and a box of limited edition mint Matchsticks as a treat; I was thusly rewarded with some spritely show jumping and a hint of playful courtyard prancing. Fido woke up to a hefty slab of the finest sirloin Argentinean steak but I don’t think it had been tenderised properly – he was sick all over his velvet blanket an hour later.
I made a New Year’s resolution to spend more time with my trusty steed, but each time I approach him he barely acknowledges me. I’ve tried dressing up as a shepherd and coating the sheep in aniseed, but still he refuses to take any notice. Can you help?
Of course I can! First of all, you appear to be getting your animals mixed up – aniseed is a special treat for your hound, usually on birthdays, bank holidays, and on the anniversary of the Battle of Agincourt. Occasionally I’ll give my Fido some shavings of aniseed during the Queen’s jubilee if I’m feeling particularly frisky, but don’t overdo it or he’ll be begging for it all the time. The last thing you want is the little fellow poking and prodding you in the back in the middle of the night wanting another round of the good stuff.
Secondly, have you tried giving your horse the old mint and coconut treatment? Start off by putting some mint leaves in your pockets and spending a few minutes at a time with him. Keep building up on this routine and then start feeding him actual mints. I suggest starting with the milder gateway stuff like Tic Tacs at first and then move onto the Trebor Extra Strong as time goes on. Once he is showing an interest in you, now will be the time to go for the jugular! Get two halves of a coconut shell and, just when he’s least expecting it, bang them together so that they sound like a galloping horse – get the timing right and he’ll think an entire herd of mint-laden horses are coming to see him. He’ll be utterly thrilled!
Provided you keep your wits and your pecker up the pair of you will be rolling around in the hay in no time. Feel free to take some pictures and send them in to us!