Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Tips from the editor of Horse and Hound Magazine, Max Hopper

A hearty hello to my dear horsey-hounders and a cautious horse-houndnod to the few remaining houndy-horsers amongst us. I know we have our differences but broadly speaking I guess you could say that we’re all neighing in the same barn… or barking in the same kennel if that’s more your thing. Christmas has been and gone and what a delightful time it was! I gave Gertrude a new set of platinum-plated horse shoes and a box of limited edition mint Matchsticks as a treat; I was thusly rewarded with some spritely show jumping and a hint of playful courtyard prancing. Fido woke up to a hefty slab of the finest sirloin Argentinean steak but I don’t think it had been tenderised properly – he was sick all over his velvet blanket an hour later.

Dear Max

I made a New Year’s resolution to spend more time with my trusty steed, but each time I approach him he barely acknowledges me. I’ve tried dressing up as a shepherd and coating the sheep in aniseed, but still he refuses to take any notice. Can you help?

Of course I can! First of all, you appear to be getting your animals mixed up – aniseed is a special treat for your hound, usually on birthdays, bank holidays, and on the anniversary of the Battle of Agincourt. Occasionally I’ll give my Fido some shavings of aniseed during the Queen’s jubilee if I’m feeling particularly frisky, but don’t overdo it or he’ll be begging for it all the time. The last thing you want is the little fellow poking and prodding you in the back in the middle of the night wanting another round of the good stuff.

Secondly, have you tried giving your horse the old mint and coconut treatment? Start off by putting some mint leaves in your pockets and spending a few minutes at a time with him. Keep building up on this routine and then start feeding him actual mints. I suggest starting with the milder gateway stuff like Tic Tacs at first and then move onto the Trebor Extra Strong as time goes on. Once he is showing an interest in you, now will be the time to go for the jugular! Get two halves of a coconut shell and, just when he’s least expecting it, bang them together so that they sound like a galloping horse – get the timing right and he’ll think an entire herd of mint-laden horses are coming to see him. He’ll be utterly thrilled!

Provided you keep your wits and your pecker up the pair of you will be rolling around in the hay in no time. Feel free to take some pictures and send them in to us!

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15 responses to “Tips from the editor of Horse and Hound Magazine, Max Hopper

  1. No Blog Intended 01/04/2012 at 11:15 AM

    I see a small influence of Monty Python.

  2. kickingsport 01/04/2012 at 12:54 PM

    I come from a very rural part of England and have many albums rolling around with various animals if Max would be interested?

  3. Lisa 01/04/2012 at 2:35 PM

    Hugh Grant mentions Horse and Hound magazine in the movie, Nottinghill. It’s a very funny bit, if you haven’t seen it. Just thinking about the group of people that might subscribe makes me laugh. Very Funny, Michael!

    • Michael Cargill 01/04/2012 at 3:24 PM

      I haven’t seen Notting Hill actually. Never read Horse and Hound magazine either!

      I saw it for the first time a few weeks ago and instantly laughed at what things it could contain. Glad you liked it.

  4. Lily 01/04/2012 at 6:40 PM

    I’ll know I’ve really made it in life when I own a horse and/or hound. And I will definitely give my horse a mint and coconut treatment. Sounds luxurious!

    • Michael Cargill 01/04/2012 at 7:41 PM

      Have you ever known a horse lover? Some of them are mental.

      I know that everyone gets attached to their pets but horse owners take it to extremes. They fawn over their beasts for years and treat it like they gave birth to it. The horse probably just stands there eating hay and wondering why the two-legged thing keeps sitting on it’s back.

      • Lisa 01/05/2012 at 2:47 AM

        Drummer, Charlie Watts let’s his horse wander into the main house. I once saw a magazine where he stood by his horse in a formal portrait in front of the fire place. I’ve seen horse owners do this kind of thing before. It does seem slightly mental / eccentric.

  5. mooselicker 01/04/2012 at 10:57 PM

    I’m sorry but every time I hear about horses it makes me think of the guy in Seattle who was killed while having sex with one. What advice would you have given him? A man in love with his horse.

  6. Addie 01/08/2012 at 1:27 AM

    The daughter of a friend of mine is the stereotypical teenage horse mad girl. He is going to pay for this horse (a jumper–over obstacles, not a horse hair sweater, which would be so very uncomfortable unless you were a Monk or something) to have his ACL repaired. It’s going to cost $15,000. AFTER the horse insurance pays it’s portion.

    For $15,000, I’d let the horse limp, and occasionally rub BenGay on the knee.

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