Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

NHS staff still recovering from Prince Philip’s heart surgery

StablePrince Philip

Hospital staff at Papworth Hospital in Cambridgeshire are said to be “Recovering well,” ever since performing heart surgery on Prince Philip a week ago. The 90-year old Prince initially terrified staff when he insisted that “I want the same bed that the fat bitch from the Princess and the Pea had,” but calmed down after “someone retold him his favourite racist joke.” Soon after being introduced to the surgeon he voiced his displeasure at “being treated by the sort of soppy bastard that wears slippers to work.”

Ambulance crews drew lots to decide who would be transporting the Prince to the hospital with free counselling being offered to those who required it. Paramedics had been briefed to “Remove any jewellery and personal items that may have originated from China, India, Russia, Iran, Japan, Africa, Argentina, or Germany, so as not to upset the Prince during the journey.”


There was a brief respite from the Prince’s barbed words once he was put under anaesthetic, but upon later waking up it wasn’t long before he was demanding that “One of you stupid bastards must have some gin or at least a few drops of port on you.” When an orderly asked if he needed another pillow the Prince replied with “Who let this spikey haired twat in my room?”

Although the Prince is now back at Buckingham Palace, he is being kept under strict observation. This has been met with indignant retorts such as “Are you going to stand there whilst I have a shit?” and “even without my glasses I can see you’re an ugly bugger””

Usually an active person, the Prince is often complaining about how he has nothing to do. “Christ, I’m bored… I fancy shooting something. Quick, someone call Fergie.”

17 responses to “NHS staff still recovering from Prince Philip’s heart surgery

  1. kickingsport 12/31/2011 at 12:27 PM

    Relieved to hear everyone is back in ‘rude health’. Happy 2012 to everyone!

  2. Addie (Adair) 12/31/2011 at 4:23 PM

    I laughed so hard during this, I started coughing. So, well done, sir!! You made me sound like a smoker!! The voice and the characters were perfect… not a wrong step made.

  3. Addie (Adair) 12/31/2011 at 4:24 PM

    My name is Geoff and I am a little pixie. My shoes are blue, my wings are made of lettuce and I once turned a toad into a lump of chewing gum.

  4. jbmumofone 12/31/2011 at 6:38 PM

    Literally LOL-ing…..is that a term? This has made my new years eve! 🙂

  5. susielindau 01/01/2012 at 3:27 AM

    I love your sense of humor! It is satire isn’t it?? Hahaha!

  6. Lily 01/01/2012 at 5:32 AM

    Haha so good! I love the bit about Fergie!

  7. darkjade68 01/01/2012 at 8:18 AM

    Congratz Michael, you are the 2011 Dark Globe’s Outstanding Artist Award’s Writer of the Year! Check it out http://thedarkglobe.wordpress.com/2011/12/31/the-envelope-please-and-the-winners-are/

    And Happy New Year


  8. Lisa 01/01/2012 at 7:12 PM

    Congrats!! Glad you won ; )
    This is totally how I imagine Prince Philip, grumpy old racist royal. Well written! VeryFunny!

  9. Mammasaurus 01/25/2012 at 12:19 AM

    “being treated by the sort of soppy bastard that wears slippers to work”
    I wear slippers to work. Well I say work…

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