Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Facebook suicide survivor tells his tale

Hi there! My name is John May and until recently I was a Facebfacebook-suicideook addict. For a long time, there was no activity too minor or mundane that didn’t warrant some kind of a status update. I would take screenshots of unposted updates and save them for future ‘out-takes’ compilations. Of course, this dedication meant that other aspects of my life suffered. Once, when my dog pooed on the floor, I posted pictures of it rather than clear it up and then kept everyone updated on the amount of flies coming into the house. I was getting friend requests from animal cruelty groups and people with scat fetishes for weeks afterwards, it was great.

Despite the fact that I have now deleted my Facebook account, I still get the cravings. Recently, I got thrown out of a restaurant because I used the mustard to draw a smiley face on the carpet and kept trying to talk about what a good time I was having. On the pavement outside my house I wrote in chalk “I once fell over here lol.” Later on that day I saw someone take a picture of it and I wondered if they uploaded it to Facebook – I spent ages imagining what the people in the Facebook Irony Group would have said about it.

I’m having to relearn the social etiquette that used to come so easily for me. For instance, I now know that a solitary daffodil or some sunflower seeds are not acceptable birthday presents. Likewise, going up to a stranger in the street and telling them that you have the same jumper as them has some unfortunate consequences. I got pepper sprayed when I told a girl that if she had blonde hair she would look like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. She took it as a compliment until I said something about the leg-crossing scene and started asking other people if they agreed with me.

Thankfully, that’s all behind me now. By the way, are any of you on Google+ these days?


21 responses to “Facebook suicide survivor tells his tale

  1. motherventing 12/22/2011 at 3:32 PM

    I have all but deserted FB. Like a rat from a sinking ship. Although with less rat-like features. And no ships. Anyway. Twitter appeases my need for instant gratification. FB is like a slow and feeble-minded cousin. *writes that down to update status later*

  2. Liza Vassallo 12/22/2011 at 3:56 PM

    lol! you are so funny! I have found myself addicted to facebook too but am unlearning the behaviors of addiction 🙂 I have thought about doing the drastic thing to completely delete my page but the power of virtual connection and being part of something bigger is what draws most in. You are not alone 🙂 I think what we really become addicted to is getting attention and if we don’t get it virtually we become peee’d off.

    • Michael Cargill 12/23/2011 at 12:02 AM

      Facebook has it’s uses but some people are on it far, far too much. I just don’t care if someone has cheese and onion crisps at 11am or not, it is such a mundane thing to mention.

      • Liza Vassallo 12/23/2011 at 2:41 PM

        I agree, cheese and onion crisps as facebook status does seem to lack creativity. I realize that most want to write something that captures attention, write something that is safe and on the surface. Then I come to realize that not every mind is wired to share publicly or share something more personal or too positive or too dramatic. Facebook has opened up a new pandora’s box. Some complain about others being superficial, others complain about others being too needy. The virtual space has unconsciously created a void in some to replace the attention or connection they need in their physical life into the virtual platform.

  3. michaeljones909 12/22/2011 at 5:55 PM

    I think the Mafia owns Facebook or at least has lots of shares.My reasoning for this is that you can’t actually delete/close your account…
    They tell you you can and have, but all you have to do to reopen your account is sign back in with your original password..your account is still there,its just sorta sleeping..
    The truth is once your in face book your in for life..Capiche!

  4. darkjade68 12/22/2011 at 6:15 PM

    Hey Michael, just a Dark Globe’s Outstanding Artist Awards Update http://thedarkglobe.wordpress.com/2011/12/22/the-quiet-ones-first-dark-globe-artist-awards-update/ with some Info. for Finalists like yourself

    Good Luck once again


  5. kickingsport 12/22/2011 at 6:47 PM

    I really ‘like’ this one!

  6. No Blog Intended 12/22/2011 at 7:42 PM

    I don’t have FB. People have been telling me to get it, fi-nal-ly get it, so I promised to do it and ended up having a blog.
    I hate it when people go ‘Facebook!’ everytime a picture is taken. Now you always have to beg people to not put a certain picture on FB. It’s all about FB. Come on, get a life and start a blog!

    • Michael Cargill 12/23/2011 at 12:05 AM

      Yup, people taking photos whilst out somewhere and then uploading the pics right there and then to show how much of a good time they are having are weird. If you were having such a great time you wouldn’t be fiddling with your phone.

      Blogs ftw.

  7. robpixaday 12/22/2011 at 10:24 PM

    I’m happy to say I don’t know enough about FB to understand some of the details here. But the concept? Oh, yes! FB isn’t the only one of its kind. Just the brawniest…LOL

    Anyway — great read!!!

  8. Pete Howorth 12/22/2011 at 11:59 PM

    “I have sent you a request in Farmville”

    Piss off.

  9. mooselicker 12/23/2011 at 4:05 PM

    John May forgot to plug his FB account! Ya see, that’s what addictions do. You forget the most important thing of all. Having more Facebook friends than you did the day before.

  10. kvetchmom 12/26/2011 at 5:17 PM

    Can I “like” this? Is it your birthday?

  11. jell jell @ I'll Sleep When They're Grown 12/27/2011 at 6:30 AM

    I hear you – I started a blog b/c FB had so many limitations. I kept wanting to tell jokes and stories, but the status updates would make me give away the punch line too quickly. Now I force all of my friends to see my blog updates in my status, which they must click on if they want to look at my pictures.

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