Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Facebook suicide survivor tells his tale
12/22/2011Posted by on
Hi there! My name is John May and until recently I was a Facebook addict. For a long time, there was no activity too minor or mundane that didn’t warrant some kind of a status update. I would take screenshots of unposted updates and save them for future ‘out-takes’ compilations. Of course, this dedication meant that other aspects of my life suffered. Once, when my dog pooed on the floor, I posted pictures of it rather than clear it up and then kept everyone updated on the amount of flies coming into the house. I was getting friend requests from animal cruelty groups and people with scat fetishes for weeks afterwards, it was great.
Despite the fact that I have now deleted my Facebook account, I still get the cravings. Recently, I got thrown out of a restaurant because I used the mustard to draw a smiley face on the carpet and kept trying to talk about what a good time I was having. On the pavement outside my house I wrote in chalk “I once fell over here lol.” Later on that day I saw someone take a picture of it and I wondered if they uploaded it to Facebook – I spent ages imagining what the people in the Facebook Irony Group would have said about it.
I’m having to relearn the social etiquette that used to come so easily for me. For instance, I now know that a solitary daffodil or some sunflower seeds are not acceptable birthday presents. Likewise, going up to a stranger in the street and telling them that you have the same jumper as them has some unfortunate consequences. I got pepper sprayed when I told a girl that if she had blonde hair she would look like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. She took it as a compliment until I said something about the leg-crossing scene and started asking other people if they agreed with me.
Thankfully, that’s all behind me now. By the way, are any of you on Google+ these days?