Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Kim Jong-il dies after heroic golfing hole-in-one escapade

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North Korean dictator, leader, cuddly bear, and inspirational Jesus-type Kim Jong-il passed away after scoring yet another hole-in-one on a golf course. A North Korean spokesman was in tears and mourning as he confirmed that “It was just too much for him in the end, he’d only just got back from wrestling with a giant badger.” When asked to confirm which golf course the fatal moment occurred on he said “All of them, he was a natural.”

The secretive nation is due to release a commemorative fact book about their beloved leader sometime in the near future. New details about Kim have already leaked out, including the previously unknown point that he is “A 2089-year old immortal crafted from the finest North Korean corrugated iron.” Construction began on him over 5000 years ago when “The mighty North Korean space agency first went to the moon and discovered it was made of North Korean corrugated iron.”

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The Guinness Book of Records is set to confirm that Kim Jong currently holds the world record for “The largest number of unconfirmed world records in the world,” and that it was “Only last week that he supposedly spent three hours blowing out all the candles on his birthday cake.”

Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea, is where the state funeral is due to be held. The design and construction of the special wooden coffin has been kept under close wraps, but the work is known to have been given to the North Korean Corrugated Iron Corporation as they are “A highly skilled company that can do anything, anytime.”

“The story of Frankenstein? That’s based on Kim’s life.”

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19 responses to “Kim Jong-il dies after heroic golfing hole-in-one escapade

  1. Pete Howorth 12/20/2011 at 11:26 AM

    Did you know that his youngest son is taking charge because his oldest son tried to go to Disney Land in Japan? Man that must be awkward at the dinner table at Christmas.

  2. kickingsport 12/20/2011 at 1:18 PM

    Nice one, although the embellishments aren’t quite as unrealistic as those used by the state media over there.

    • Michael Cargill 12/21/2011 at 11:12 AM

      I do often wonder how many over there actually believe all this stuff. Sitting there in their crumbling houses with nothing to eat, but cheering on the fact that their leader is good at playing Western hobbies.

  3. No Blog Intended 12/20/2011 at 3:05 PM

    Actually this could have been written by a North Korean someone. And that’s just freaky. I saw them crying on tv yesterday, and I was thinking: seriously, people, this ain’t 1984 (the book)! Get up and ask for the right to vote!

  4. mooselicker 12/20/2011 at 6:08 PM

    LMAO that’s always what I think about when I hear the name Kim Jong-Il. His world records. Do you know who the comedian Judah Friednlander is? All he does is talk about how much better he is than you. That’s what Kim Jong-Il was.

  5. Anna 12/20/2011 at 7:51 PM

    Did you see the news reports? SO MANY PEOPLE CRYING! TOTALLY LEGIT. And by ‘legit’ I mean ‘horrifyingly unreal’. What shocked me more than his death that no-one was giggling when they were filming the ‘crying’ scenes. Although they might have been… but they were probably shot. Hmm.

    • Michael Cargill 12/21/2011 at 1:22 PM

      North Korea is just bonkers as a whole. They have a massive unfinished hotel that is structurally unsafe yet instead of admitting it, they work around it by having lift attendants who only let you get off on certain floor.s

  6. Raine 12/20/2011 at 8:05 PM

    You win. If only I had known before he died. I could have given him the respect he deserved

  7. DeeShrek 12/21/2011 at 2:49 AM

    That was really funny!:-)

  8. ian in hamburg 12/21/2011 at 8:43 AM

    Mr. Kim may be dead, but he’s still busy: preparing the great beyond so that the North Korean people will be able to bask forever in his glorious presence.

  9. golfmadchick 12/21/2011 at 2:08 PM

    This chain-smoking, brandy-guzzling golfing great — whose hundreds of titles included “The Eternal Bosom of Hot Love” — keeled over while inspecting fields from his lavishly equipped train — which had live lobsters airlifted to it daily. Maybe I need to adapt my practice regime accordingly for any chance of securing those elusive hole in ones.

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