Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Beauty Baggins is here with cheer

Yeah, it’s getting cold now and that’s annoying onhoroscopes my face when I have just had a shave. I had a great idea of smearing my face with Vaseline to cancel out the wind chill, but the lifeguards threw me out when I went to the swimming pool in the afternoon. It’s one rule for those with beards and another rule for the rest of us.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

“A finger of Fudge is just enough to give your kids a treat,” so went the advert for Fudge chocolate bars. If your family are having a 19th century themed Christmas then you should heed this advice otherwise steer well clear of such miserly nonsense… unless you enjoy bullying your kids of course.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Yeah, right. Tell that to the kids in the orphanage who took my joke letter from Santa too seriously. Tempting as it is, I advise against telling dozens of kids that Santa hates them and that he won’t be doing any more house visits.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

“The world was made in seven days,” so said my Sunday school teacher. I then asked why it takes Santa a bloody year to deliver a wonky Bugs Bunny toy to me and the miserable sod told me never to come back. Parents should be wary of mixing religion and children for the next few weeks.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

“Fee-fi-fo-fum,” said the Giant to Jack as he glanced up at the beanstalk. Tip for parents: if your kid is playing one of the three wise men in a nativity play, make sure he knows his lines and doesn’t decide to ad-lib something extra in. He will be a social outcast for months otherwise.

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22 responses to “Beauty Baggins is here with cheer

  1. Anna 12/12/2011 at 12:42 PM

    Aries here, and I’m very pleased with my horoscope. I don’t have a child, and if I ever did have one I would probably try to eat it, but I am thinking of buying a camel costume and roaming the streets on Christmas Eve, setting fire to people’s cars. It’s kind of the same thing, right?

  2. kickingsport 12/12/2011 at 1:23 PM

    I have a beard at the moment but the only treatment I get which differs from the usual is that people often assume me to be a drug dealer! (Not saying they’re wrong but it’s something to bear in mind.)

  3. Pete Howorth 12/12/2011 at 2:03 PM

    I’m a Leo and telling children Santa is dead is one of my favourite Christmassy things to do!

  4. mooselicker 12/12/2011 at 11:04 PM

    I’m a Libra. I never mix religion and children. Except for when the recipe calls for it. Sometimes the only way to make a good brew that will scare off the demons is to toss in a 4th grader.

  5. No Blog Intended 12/13/2011 at 11:01 AM

    I’m into chocolate bars. Always.

  6. Becoming Bitter 12/13/2011 at 6:25 PM

    Baggins is so wise. Even though it’s not my horoscope I liked the Libra one. Solid advice.

    • Michael Cargill 12/13/2011 at 6:54 PM

      Hi Bitter

      As a scientist I am glad you appreciate what an inquisitive and questioning mind I had at such an early age. Would you like to share a mince pie with me?

      Cheers

      Baggins.

      • Becoming Bitter 12/13/2011 at 7:09 PM

        Baggins,

        I would love to share a mince pie with you. Would like you animal eyeballs, human eyeballs, or your own eyeball in it? My pet snake, Killem, wants to meet you as well. *pets Killem*
        Do come over to my place. I’ll owl you the directions.

        Cheers

        Bitter.

        • Becoming Bitter 12/13/2011 at 7:11 PM

          My name is Bitter and I am three feet tall. My best friend is a hamster and we sometimes have arm-wrestling competitions if it is too cold to go outside.

          So far I am winning 32-3.

        • Michael Cargill 12/13/2011 at 8:57 PM

          Hi Bitter

          Sheep’s eyes are quite the delicacy in some Arabian nations – perhaps we could give that a try? I haven’t liked snakes ever since my new powerhouse went haywire earlier this year, any chance you can leave him at home?

          Cheers

          Baggins.

          • Becoming Bitter 12/13/2011 at 9:04 PM

            Baggins,

            I’m inviting you over to my place you charlatan ogre! I will not leave Killem anywhere. He stays with me and he’s a friendly fellow. He loves giving bone crushing hugs. I think you need one.

            Cheers

            Bitter.

            • Becoming Bitter 12/13/2011 at 9:08 PM

              If you see a typo, just ignore it from now on… or else! *pets Killem*

  7. Becoming Bitter 12/13/2011 at 9:07 PM

    You just wait and watch Kinky… I’ve got another story coming up. You’ll see what I do to you. Yeah, all the characters in the 12 Days are coming back in another story. *Evil Laughter*

  8. Adair 12/14/2011 at 1:42 PM

    I don’t see a mention of Ophiuchus!! Poor new kid!

    • Michael Cargill 12/15/2011 at 6:22 PM

      Hi Adair

      I don’t bother with Ophiuchus as he isn’t actually a star sign, just some weird bloke that turned up one day. Taurus is thinking of booting him out soon but these celestial bodies move quite slowly.

      Cheers

      Baggins.

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