Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Colour blind man mows his lawn for first time in years
12/10/2011Posted by on
33-year old Matthew Benson surprised his neighbours last week when he dusted down his lawnmower and finally mowed his lawn. Matthew, who confesses he “Really isn’t the horticultural type,” has been scared of stepping into his garden ever since he “Watched a nature documentary showing how zebras and tigers are camouflaged in the long grass.” Knowing how territorial some animals can be, he “Decided to avoid the garden altogether, just in case.”
Neighbour Terry Nutkins said he heard a “Lawnmower-type noise coming from next door,” but at first thought he was just hearing things. After looking out the window he saw a nervous-looking Matthew sweating it out in his garden. “He seemed really twitchy, as if he was expecting something to jump out at him. I started clapping and wolf-whistling at him and he spun around looking really scared. He even got his penknife out to defend himself, bless him.”
Matthew, who was born colour blind, said that he was glad that there “Was one less horrible job for me to do now,” and that his condition has caused him to “be a bit of a paranoid nutter for a long time.” Often mistaking the gravy for coffee, his dinner parties often “descended into chaos once the guests realised I had accidentally put spinach in their BLTs.”
Often the target of bullies in school, Matthew was never able to tell if “Someone had put cling film over the toilet seat until stuff started bouncing back at me.”
“Is it really true that urine looks just like apple juice? That’s one joke that I’ve never really understood.”