Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Colour blind man mows his lawn for first time in years

Seelawnmower

33-year old Matthew Benson surprised his neighbours last week when he dusted down his lawnmower and finally mowed his lawn. Matthew, who confesses he “Really isn’t the horticultural type,” has been scared of stepping into his garden ever since he “Watched a nature documentary showing how zebras and tigers are camouflaged in the long grass.” Knowing how territorial some animals can be, he “Decided to avoid the garden altogether, just in case.”

Neighbour Terry Nutkins said he heard a “Lawnmower-type noise coming from next door,” but at first thought he was just hearing things. After looking out the window he saw a nervous-looking Matthew sweating it out in his garden. “He seemed really twitchy, as if he was expecting something to jump out at him. I started clapping and wolf-whistling at him and he spun around looking really scared. He even got his penknife out to defend himself, bless him.”

Known

Matthew, who was born colour blind, said that he was glad that there “Was one less horrible job for me to do now,” and that his condition has caused him to “be a bit of a paranoid nutter for a long time.” Often mistaking the gravy for coffee, his dinner parties often “descended into chaos once the guests realised I had accidentally put spinach in their BLTs.”

Often the target of bullies in school, Matthew was never able to tell if “Someone had put cling film over the toilet seat until stuff started bouncing back at me.”

“Is it really true that urine looks just like apple juice? That’s one joke that I’ve never really understood.”

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28 responses to “Colour blind man mows his lawn for first time in years

  1. No Blog Intended 12/10/2011 at 12:32 PM

    Poor man. He can’t help it. But wolf-whistling is such a fun thing to do… *awoooo*

  2. mooselicker 12/10/2011 at 2:58 PM

    Hahahaha very good.

    Often the target of bullies in school, Matthew was never able to tell if “someone had put cling film over the toilet seat until stuff started bouncing back at me”.

    Amazing. I’d feel bad for him but I hate the color blind. No reason in particular, they’re one of the few groups it’s still okay to beat up outside of one of their bars.

    • Michael Cargill 12/10/2011 at 3:43 PM

      I used to work with someone who couldn’t see the colour red. Of course I then immediately pointed at something red and asked him what colour it was.

      He looked at me disdainfully so I went and put clingfilm on the toilet.

  3. PCC Advantage 12/10/2011 at 4:28 PM

    You never know how many zebras can pop out of your lawn on a Saturday morning, completely unexpected, as they hide in the long grass. I usually have about 4 a week. It can get kinda dangerous.

    I should start carrying a penknife.

    Another funny post, Michael! 😉

    • Michael Cargill 12/10/2011 at 10:51 PM

      I had a penknife when I was in the scouts actually. It had various blades and tin openers, along with a completely pointless little saw blade. It was fun cutting tent ropes with though.

      Glad you liked the post!

  4. Adair 12/10/2011 at 5:41 PM

    I chortled. I’ve always been grateful the whole ‘cling film’ on the toilet was a guy thing. Imagine if girls starting doing it. Ew!! Regardless, I chortled.

  5. motherventing 12/10/2011 at 8:17 PM

    I am actually favour of keeping wild animals in your back garden. The more the merrier. It means that when the apocalypse happens, you have a some fresh meat ready to drive down into your secret underground bunker. Ever tried zebra? Tastes like chicken.

  6. Lisa 12/11/2011 at 12:02 AM

    Funny stuff Michael. I need to come over to your blog more frequently!

  7. No Blog Intended 12/11/2011 at 11:13 AM

    Being colourblind must suck. I saw a dvd yesterday in black and white, though it actually had to be coloured, and that was quite…. grrhmmmrgrgr.

  8. Anonymous 12/11/2011 at 4:42 PM

    Funny stuff. I’m visiting more often!

  9. Becoming Bitter 12/11/2011 at 7:56 PM

    Poor thing… I bet he won’t enjoy seeing bull fighting then. It’s a real shame. I bought two tickets to go see one.

    • Michael Cargill 12/12/2011 at 10:39 AM

      What’s this…? Compassion from Bitter?!? Deary me we really must be getting close to Christmas.

      I would love to share a mince pie with you sometime.

      • Becoming Bitter 12/12/2011 at 7:13 PM

        Sure that would be awesome. Do you like bloody eyeballs in your pies? I just love them. Most of them come from my victims, but I don’t mind eating animal eyeballs either.

  10. Lily 12/11/2011 at 9:44 PM

    Being color blind seems so weird. Like, you can see SOME colors, but just not red and green. At least that’s what I’ve been told. That both red and green look brown or something like that? Seems like a real handicap.

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