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Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Got a horse? Got a hound? Then you need Horse and Hound Magazine! Although we welcome newcomers to the world of horse and hound ownership this is not a place for part-timers – if you own just a horse or just a hound then I must kindly (but firmly) request that you place this publication back upon the shelf. Don’t get me wrong, walking your dachshund in the park has its place and sometimes I want to do nothing more than pop down to the stables and feed Gertrude a handful of Extra Strong Mints, but the real zest comes from mounting your mighty steed and having your faithful wolf-hound bounding alongside you.
Dear Max
I’m new to the world of horse-and-hound ownership and I think I have messed up, probably because I didn’t pay enough attention to your handy pull-out-and-keep wallchart that you kindly included with last week’s issue. I made some manure for my garden but the plants aren’t growing any faster. I have been measuring them hourly but the only change is the increasing number of flies buzzing around the tulips. Can you help?
Do not fret for this is one of the most common mistakes that newcomers make. First of all, you should be aware of the difference between horse droppings and hound droppings, for they are very different; it’s horse manure for your garden and dog manure for everything else.
Now I am no expert gardener but I believe you need more patience. As great as horses are, the perk of free manure should be seen as a bonus extra rather than the main attraction. Any excess dog droppings should be put into an envelope and posted to local goat owners – goats are hideous and ugly creatures and their procreation should be discouraged at every opportunity.
Dear Max
What with the recession and everything I am looking for an economical way of getting into this horse and hound world. If I buy a poodle would it be possible for me to rent a small horse on a part-time basis? Or perhaps alternate between horse and hound ownership every other month? Can you help?
Now look here this sort of thing really gets my goat. You cannot cheat your way into horse and hound ownership and your excuse about the recession isn’t good enough. It’s a way of life; a state of being; a philosophy to live by and cherish forever. We don’t tolerate donkey owners, pony lovers, mule sympathisers nor zebra fanatics. Poodles are despicable creatures and it is my sincere belief that they are nothing more than the bastard offspring of confused goats and overly promiscuous sheep.
Does this qualify?
What an utterly bizarre video!
Thank you.
Good old Max telling it like it is! Make him PM I say.
He certainly knows his onions. The Argies are getting all loud about the Falklands again. Max would sort them out, easy.
Sometimes I sit on my dog’s back. I can’t afford the entire Horse & Hound package so I’m making due.
Sitting on the back of a dog whilst licking a moose? How very silly.
I am sure there are magazines dedicated to that sort of thing though.
I don’t want either horse or hound. You keep your H&H stuff to yourself Max.
Although I do agree with you on the pony and poodle thing.
Would you be interested in Broomstick and Black Cat Magazine?
Yes, please. Do I get a complementary wand with that too?
Do you like the new background for my blog? Does it make my bum look big?
No wands I am afraid but there is going to be a free guide on how to un-toad yourself after getting a spell wrong.
Your new background is fine to be honest. Not sure why you are so worried about your behind though, it is so peachy-looking that I want to bite it.
EWWWW. Gross…save those comments for Raine’s, NBI’s, or RFB’s blog.
Excuse me while I go vomit.
WTH! LOL… I did NOT type that last question in!
I’m gonna bring you back from the dead to KILL you again and that time you won’t have a butter knife. You’ll have nothing Kinky!
Thanks, Bitter. And Kinky, you said I was a dictator?
I am SUCH a hypocrite.
I think I love you.
He’s gay.
No worries, as I, too, am gay on occasion, although usually, I’m more chipper than actually ga–wait a minute.
Gay as in homosexual, not happy. Well… I guess he is a gay gay. No, that was no typo.
Come on, I know you are a death eater and think nothing of tearing souls to pieces but you can’t libel a man on his own blog.
My bad… let me correct my mistake.
EVERYONE MICHAEL IS REALLY A CREEPY PERVERT WITH A LEG FETISH!
See? That’s much better. Everyone is happier now that the truth is out.
I like you Adair. Merely five minutes after setting up your own blog, you are on here making me feel on top of the world.
And, as long as those cheques (see how I spelled so you could understand?) keep coming in the post (again, a Britishism), I’ll continue to flatter.
Flattering and condescending.
*swoon*
Nice one Cargers! I agree, anyone with a poodle should be taken outside and executed in front of their families.
I hate them. Awful pets.