Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Raw chicken fights on ladders legalised; health and safety laws scrapped

Elfinclipboard

Ice skating sword-swallowers were rejoicing last night as the British government announced its plans to “Get rid of that political correctness gone mad stuff,” so that “Employers can go back to using cats to rescue children that get themselves stuck up chimneys.” A spokesman said “We want businesses to know that they once more have freedom to operate how they want,” and not have to worry about “Mother Theresa sticking her mop and broom in all the time.”

Builder Dave Worrall said that it was only last week that he “Threw some bricks at one of me mates,” and was shocked to learn that he would be held liable after “one brick smashed the back of his skull in ‘cos his back was turned.” Worrall is hoping that the proposed changes in the law will be retrospective, because “Christmas is expensive enough without having to worry about this safety first crap.”

Safety

Local employer Simon Wall recounted the horror he experienced when one of his workers “Fell down a cellar after I turned the lights off to save on electricity.” It was particularly distressful because “All the H&S forms were somewhere inside my filing cabinet,” and it took “a good few minutes to find a pen as my wife had moved them again.” Simon is hoping that soon he “won’t have to worry about making sure the smoke alarms work properly,” just like the “Good old days when third degree burns were healed with a bit of butter and jam.”

Not everyone is happy about the changes though. Health Inspector Greg Raw of Raw Inspections of Health and Safety said that “Health and safety has had a bad rep over the years,” and that whilst he admits “many health and safety inspectors are annoying fat bastards,” it shouldn’t be forgotten that “even anally retentive jobsworths with clipboards have feelings.”

“You’ll have to excuse me as I think I saw a naked drawing pin somewhere in the distance, someone might tread on it and die.”

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17 responses to “Raw chicken fights on ladders legalised; health and safety laws scrapped

  1. Pete Howorth 11/30/2011 at 9:36 AM

    Health and safety, what a stupid idea, did anyone in those mines complain a couple decades ago when they were inhaling all that soot? No! And it never did them any harm either!

    William the Conqueror caught one in the eye, he never complained, Napoleon at some point got his hand stuck in his coat, he never whined and he was FRENCH!

    This country is turning into a country full of lady-boys!

  2. kickingsport 11/30/2011 at 1:51 PM

    Recession solved methinks!

  3. afrankangle 11/30/2011 at 2:11 PM

    The thought of sword swallowers reminded me of this feat.

  4. Becoming Bitter 11/30/2011 at 7:07 PM

    Simon Wall is such a smart man…

  5. mooselicker 11/30/2011 at 10:00 PM

    Get the children to do these dirty jobs. They’re the future right? Lets give them the chance to start early.

  6. Raine 12/01/2011 at 6:29 PM

    All problems are solved with the overturned laws. Now share that with your buddies across the pond and the world will be a happier place.

    • Michael Cargill 12/01/2011 at 8:49 PM

      I might have to get Bitter to help me with that, she is good at dealing with things that cause injuries and pain.

      • Raine 12/01/2011 at 9:15 PM

        She is, isn’t she? She’s on my side of the pond. Although I’ll be on your side in July.

        • Becoming Bitter 12/01/2011 at 9:35 PM

          I don’t know why, but the thought of you being on Kinky’s side disturbs me greatly.
          Oh well… just make sure you don’t go to the gym with him. I’ve heard he has wandering eyes and hands. *grimaces*

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