Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Raw chicken fights on ladders legalised; health and safety laws scrapped
11/30/2011Posted by on
Ice skating sword-swallowers were rejoicing last night as the British government announced its plans to “Get rid of that political correctness gone mad stuff,” so that “Employers can go back to using cats to rescue children that get themselves stuck up chimneys.” A spokesman said “We want businesses to know that they once more have freedom to operate how they want,” and not have to worry about “Mother Theresa sticking her mop and broom in all the time.”
Builder Dave Worrall said that it was only last week that he “Threw some bricks at one of me mates,” and was shocked to learn that he would be held liable after “one brick smashed the back of his skull in ‘cos his back was turned.” Worrall is hoping that the proposed changes in the law will be retrospective, because “Christmas is expensive enough without having to worry about this safety first crap.”
Local employer Simon Wall recounted the horror he experienced when one of his workers “Fell down a cellar after I turned the lights off to save on electricity.” It was particularly distressful because “All the H&S forms were somewhere inside my filing cabinet,” and it took “a good few minutes to find a pen as my wife had moved them again.” Simon is hoping that soon he “won’t have to worry about making sure the smoke alarms work properly,” just like the “Good old days when third degree burns were healed with a bit of butter and jam.”
Not everyone is happy about the changes though. Health Inspector Greg Raw of Raw Inspections of Health and Safety said that “Health and safety has had a bad rep over the years,” and that whilst he admits “many health and safety inspectors are annoying fat bastards,” it shouldn’t be forgotten that “even anally retentive jobsworths with clipboards have feelings.”
“You’ll have to excuse me as I think I saw a naked drawing pin somewhere in the distance, someone might tread on it and die.”