Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Beauty Baggins horoscopes you

Morning ahoroscopesll. I was eating a packet of crisps the other day when I got thinking. It was supposed to be prawn cocktail flavour but I’ve never had an actual prawn cocktail before, so for all I know Walkers were lying to me. This didn’t stop me from eating the whole packet though and I had a Mars Bar afterwards.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Poetry is usually a load of nonsense but this week it might be rather important for you lot. The local paper is holding a creativity competition and they aren’t expecting many poems to be submitted, so you will be in with a shout of winning something if you get working on it. The top prize is a haiku set and the runner-up gets a slap up meal in KFC so start scribbling.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Do you ever buy those packets of frozen profiteroles and then only use half the chocolate sauce? You must have loads of excess sachets hanging around by now, so see if there are any local chocolate fountain manufacturers running low on supplies. If not, you could simply use them as treats for your pet dog when trying to train him to jump through hoops and run up slides.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Sticks are your friends this week. If you see any sticks or branches lying on your lawn, nip out and rescue them before they get used to make a bird’s nest. Dry them out and sell them as logs to midgets or something.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Your sink is chock full of dirty dishes so get some soapy stuff and clean them. The cockroaches and mice are just around the corner so you will have to act fast if you don’t want them pitching their tents in your kitchen.


11 responses to “Beauty Baggins horoscopes you

  1. Mammasaurus 11/28/2011 at 9:37 AM

    Thank frick I am a pisces and and a virgo…

  2. afrankangle 11/28/2011 at 1:50 PM

    But my yard is currently a swamp, thus the sticks underwater … but hey … no nest-making going into winter. So do I still have to go out and ruin my shoes?

    • Michael Cargill 11/28/2011 at 3:09 PM

      A swamp you say? Chances are that the birds in your area are actually pterodactyls so you should try to discourage any breeding behaviour they are currently exhibiting.



  3. April Trice 11/28/2011 at 2:02 PM

    I used to think being an Aries was stellar. Now Baggins has me questioning my entire astrological destiny.

  4. Becoming Bitter 11/28/2011 at 6:29 PM

    Baggins probably thinks poetry is nonsense because he can’t understand it. That’s okay Baggins. Just get plastic surgery first.

  5. motherventing 11/28/2011 at 7:35 PM

    Is it shameful that I consume the extra chocolate sauce from the frozen profiteroles? I mean, I am morbidly obese and seagulls constantly lick my face, but that’s OK, yeah?

  6. mooselicker 11/28/2011 at 10:20 PM

    Selling sticks to midgets as logs? That’s almost up there with “afternoon banana”

  7. robpixaday 11/30/2011 at 10:14 PM

    I’m switching signs RIGHT NOW!!!!!


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