Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

A woman’s work against men is never done

Female-SignHello, my name is Bridget and I am chairwoman of The Female Support Group for Equality of Life for Ladies. I am proud to say that no man, living or otherwise, has ever entered into my thresholds – of that you have my word. Apart from lifting heavy boxes, there is not one thing that a man can do that a female cannot do. Even if there was (like changing a plug or chopping up bits of wood) us females have other skills that are just as useful. Sure, you might be the screwdriver and blowtorch type who can advise me why my car is making that noise, but I can spot, from a mile away, whether someone has taken too many Malteesers from the box when I wasn’t looking. That, my dear penis-owning friends, is a time-honoured skill that only a true female can have. Penis-owners should note that I am not actually your friend, it was just a turn of phrase.

Penis-owners make my life hell as everywhere I look I see the remnants of the penis-dominated world we live in. If I go to the bakery for a baguette, I am reminded of an engorged penis. If I want a bread roll, I am reminded of a shaven swollen testicle. If I want a ring doughnut, then I am reminded of what penis-owners like doing with their penises. Don’t even get me started on the double-cream chocolate éclairs. I am constantly surrounded by penistry architecture. At least if I go to Greece the statue builders made the penises really small, though non-existent would have been better. Whenever I come back from Greece I always want to go around with a chisel and knock off all the penises of the men that pass me in the street.

In the headquarters of The Female Support Group for Equality of Life for Ladies, we have taken great lengths to decorate the interior properly. There are no pictures of men at all. There are no pictures of married women. There are no pictures of single women who are either dating a man or suspected of dating a man and no pictures of any women who have been photographed in public with their father or expressed admiration for their father. Currently, we have pictures of Mother Theresa, Attila the Hun, and myself. Personally, I prefer the pictures of me over the other two but not everyone agrees. Those people are weak and I have my suspicions that they have been in the company of penis-owners recently.

Now, if you will excuse me I need to go to the butchers; they said that they would save the last turkey in the shop for me.

31 responses to “A woman’s work against men is never done

  1. Becoming Bitter 11/24/2011 at 9:00 AM

    Does Bridget have a twitter?

  2. hitthesport 11/24/2011 at 11:05 AM

    Bridget reminds me of Maggie Thatcher, in fact that’s how I’m picturing her.

  3. April Trice 11/24/2011 at 2:05 PM

    Man haters are SO not sexy.

  4. Random Female Blog 11/24/2011 at 4:13 PM

    The vocabulary she uses is inspiring. New. They should be in the dictionary.

  5. Becoming Bitter 11/24/2011 at 6:32 PM

    Dear Bridget,

    Stop lying. We all know the real reason why you hate men. Lose some weight and get some plastic surgery done on your face, ass, and everywhere else. You might actually get someone to even attempt to “cross your threshold” that way.

    Sincerely Not-A-Man-Hater,

  6. kickingsport 11/24/2011 at 8:04 PM

    Bridget don’t go near the chocolate brownies coz you might end up getting mouth-to-mouth from a really hairy penis-owner!

  7. Pete Howorth 11/25/2011 at 10:01 AM

    I shagged Bridget, though as others have pointed out, I have a small penis, so she wouldn’t have noticed.

  8. mooselicker 11/25/2011 at 5:12 PM

    I think Bridget is Nurse Ratched’s pseudonym. If you take out the first letter of Bridget it becomes Ridget and that sounds a lot like Ratched says the guy who hopes to crack a huge conspiracy.

  9. Lily 11/26/2011 at 12:57 AM

    I saved your comments from my spam box! Didn’t even realize I had a spam box :/ Sorry about that!

    • Michael Cargill 11/26/2011 at 12:59 AM

      No, that’s fine it isn’t your fault! All my comments are being marked as spam for some reason until the blog owner uses the ‘not spam’ thingy.

      It’s really annoying and WordPress support haven’t responded either.

  10. Raine 11/26/2011 at 1:57 AM

    Dear Bridget,

    You too can be a penis owner after four easy payments of $3,999.00. We offer hormone supplements, breast removal, ten free therapy sessions and one surgery to make your vagina into a 2-inch penis. If you sign up today, we’ll throw in a Schick Hydro 5 for free. It’ll come in handy when you start growing facial hair.

    Until then, just answer in the affirmative when people ask if you are a man. Have hope, you will be one soon!

  11. Lily 11/02/2012 at 4:06 PM

    This is a perfect post. I didn’t realize how perfect it was before, clearly. Although, I too, can tell how many Malteasers someone has taken from a mile away. Maybe I am a typical woman after all?

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