Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Horoscopes with Beauty Baggins

Hey ho everyohoroscopesne. My garden is chock full of leaves at the moment and the wife keeps asking me to sweep them up. Thing is I’ve developed a kind of phobia about what might be lurking under the leaves and I’m worried about treading on something nasty like a slug or a dead pigeon. No-one ever finds anything nice like a winning lottery ticket or an unopened tub of honey roasted peanuts in the garden.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

A power cut is imminent in your area so you should go out and buy a torch or two in preparation for it. Don’t worry about having useless excess torches left over afterwards though – placed strategically around your garden they make ideal leaning posts for your garden gnomes when they come to life at night.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

If you have any amateur palaeontologists in your family you should invite them round for tea. Buy some yellow jelly and stick a dead fly or other insect in the middle of it. Present this to your scientist-in-training and see if they start waffling on about dinosaur DNA trapped in amber. Be sure to record it for future YouTube hilarity.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Next time you go for a haircut, ask the chatty barber if you can have all the hair that is on the floor. Once you have a sackful divide it up and fill numerous smaller plastic bags with the hair. Hey presto! You now have portable ‘hairbags’ that can save you from certain death if you fall off a chair or get hit by a car whilst running across the road.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Aunt Mable will be popping round unexpectedly this week. Make sure you clean the place up and throw away all those empty pizza boxes – you know what a house-proud old witch she can be. Probably best if you leave one small cobweb in the corner though – if she doesn’t have something to complain about the shock might kill her. Use this information as you see fit.

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16 responses to “Horoscopes with Beauty Baggins

  1. kickingsport 11/20/2011 at 12:24 PM

    Oh no not Aunt Mable again!

  2. motherventing 11/20/2011 at 2:30 PM

    I am actually tempted to follow your advice this week. But only cos I get to eat yellow jelly afterwards.

  3. Anna 11/20/2011 at 9:23 PM

    I’ve baked a cake for Aunt Mable, I hope she likes it. It’s got strawberries and the soul of a dead homeless person in there. Mmmmmm.

  4. Becoming Bitter 11/20/2011 at 9:33 PM

    WTGB! Taruses and Geminis don’t get along and you put them in the same group.
    What interesting advice you have.
    Anyways…
    You have been mentioned in my new post titled “Thank You!” check it out!
    http://becomingbitter.wordpress.com/2011/11/20/thank-you/

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