Michael Cargill
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Princess Diana speaks from heaven
Posted by on 11/16/2011
Hello there Earthlings, it’s the former Queen of Hearts here. First of all, can I just say that if anyone calls me Di, Diana, or uses any of my previous names and titles from my mortal era, I’ll be waiting for you at the Pearly Gates when you finally cop it. Although me and St. Peter got off to a rocky start we’ve become good pals so just watch your mouths now that I’ve got the head bouncer’s phone number – he lets me out for a cheeky fag and I let him fondle my tiara on the way back in. He gets all the good gossip and he has such a nice bum too! Anyway, just drop all the soppy names that the shitrag journalists thought up after they chased me down that French tunnel and everything will be just peachy. I tell you something though… those journos with their cocaine parties and witty headlines think they are the smartest people in the world, but boy have they got a shock coming to them when they come up here.
Initially life was tough up here in the sky with the big, invisible man constantly talking to me from under my bed. I tried to set up a charity dedicated to landmine victims so I could condescendingly pat them on the head before retiring back to my trailer for a white wine spritzer and a spray of Christian Dior; unfortunately, poverty and war don’t exist up here so I had to reinvent myself like that Spice Girl with the massive tits did when her career went to shit.
Money and time are practically infinite up here which is a damn good job because that £17 million divorce settlement is still holed up in some bank vault – I even went and forgot me bleedin’ PIN number as well! Sometimes I am such a ditzy!
No doubt you’ve all got a hundred questions for me… does Dodi look buff when stepping out of the shower… how many cotton buds Charlie needed to clean out those big ugly ears of his… and just what happened that night in Paris…? Well, as much as I would love to answer these questions I’m afraid that our time is getting short and I can already feel myself fading away.
Actually that’s bollocks. St Peter is making ‘honk honk’ signals with his hands again – it’s chinwag and fag time again, yippee!
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I always knew St. Peter was a pervert. He’s been patting down people before getting into Heaven since forever ago. I’m jealous of all the famous tit he’s touched.
Also, isn’t it complete blasphemy to say anything negative about “The People’s Princess” over there in the UK? It’d be like if an American made fun of Ronald McDonald. That shit don’t float over here.
It depends who you speak to really. I find that most of the people who think her name is sacred didn’t really give two shits about her when she was alive.
Some of the newspapers here have made fortunes over the years by including magazines that talk all about her life, some people just lap it up.
I didn’t give two shits about her when she was alive, when she died I was treated to a full day of cartoons on Channel 4. So at least she was half useful.
Cartoons are a fine replacement for someone who was once married to Big Ears.
Don’t go breaking my heart.
If you are half the ‘man’ you think you are, you’ll appreciate the woman for who she is!