Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Butter knives feeling neglected by serial killers


A cutlery drawer war is currently brewing in domestic kitchens as a new generation of butter knives comes to terms with just how much discrimination is involved when mass-murderers decide which tool is best for the job. Describing the situation as “Totally unfair,” and even as “just another form of racism,” the butter knives claim they are equally entitled to “A bit of fun now and again.”

Although butter knives are generally “easy going and down to earth,” and that “we would probably turn it down anyway,” they just want homicidal maniacs, jilted lovers, and neglected teenagers to know that “it’s still nice to be asked once in a while.” One side of the debate has centred on the fact that “Murder doesn’t always have to involve stabbing, thrusting, and/or slashing,” as a “Well-placed blob of butter, margarine, or lemon curd can be used to block up even the largest of nostrils.”


Not everyone is sympathetic to the plight of the butter knives as tin openers of various types say, “We are gobsmacked at the arrogance of our non-pointy cousins,” and “I would leap at the chance to be used to slowly pry off the top of someone’s skull.” The Christmas period is a “time of real jealousy these days,” as carving knives are “Dusted down and sharpened” in preparation of “Slicing, dicing, and even hacking,” an event for which “no-one else even gets a look in.”

A set of wooden spoons has said “Killing is old hat to us, our ancestors were doing it with sticks and spears a couple of millennia ago.” The metal implements responded with “Whatever you say, old man. Not even the emos will bother trying to slit their wrists with you guys.”

19 responses to “Butter knives feeling neglected by serial killers

  1. sami116 11/15/2011 at 11:50 AM

    “just another form of racism”
    Probably the same way the combs feel they are being left out by the baldies.

  2. mooselicker 11/15/2011 at 3:56 PM

    Nothing will change unless they change themselves. They have to put themselves out there, be more readily available. It’s going to be a long winter for them. Butter knife temperature usually matches the weather outside.

  3. Random Female Blog 11/15/2011 at 4:37 PM

    The next time I feel some rage, I’ll take the butter knife and smear the damn butter all over the victim!

  4. Becoming Bitter 11/15/2011 at 5:41 PM

    Hello! What’s wrong with you guys. Who cares about what the butter knife feels? The butcher knife gets the job done each time. There is no discrimination or racism being done here. When the butter knife gets old enough, maybe then …

    • Michael Cargill 11/15/2011 at 6:54 PM

      You are a heartless one Bitter, very heartless indeed. Any old thug can use a butcher’s knife, if pretty much does the job itself.

      A butter knife? Only Princess Diana, the people’s princess, the queen of hearts, etc. would use one to kill another person.

      • Becoming Bitter 11/15/2011 at 7:53 PM

        When did I ever claim to have a heart Micheal? I’m a death eater. Caring for utensils’ feelings is not in my job description. We use a wand, but if the situation calls for weapons – then we use a butcher knife. The butter knife can go drown itself! So, yes I am anti-butter knife. What are you lot gonna do to me? That’s right. Nothing.

  5. kickingsport 11/15/2011 at 9:13 PM

    A real top-drawer effort! (I know – I deserve a good smearing for that one.)

  6. The Good Greatsby 11/16/2011 at 3:51 AM

    I do sometimes feel bad for butter knifes. They probably didn’t realize tacking butter onto their title would limit the way people used them to such an extent.

  7. fourbluehills 11/16/2011 at 7:55 AM

    I’m with the Good Greatsby, feel bad for the butter knives, who knew their passive mores would take hold with such a hardy grip. No slithering out of this dilemma for them!

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