Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Justin Bieber’s Diary

Dear Diaryjustin bieber

Mummy woke me up this morning and said that as it had now been two weeks since I last wet the bed, I could have an extra boiled egg for breakfast as a treat. I asked if I could butter and cut the soldiers myself and she said yes. I got up and found my ‘Three Blind Mice’ music tape and left it playing in my tape player whilst I had a bath. I had to call mummy to help me wash my hair because I have to use both hands to hold a flannel to my face so that the shampoo doesn’t makes my eyes sting.

I usually have my Coco Pops in a Winnie the Pooh bowl but it was still in the dishwasher so I used one of the grown up bowls that Daddy uses instead. The grown up spoons are still too big for me so I used one of my plastic crocodile ones instead. When I had finished I looked down at my bib and saw that I had managed to eat the whole bowl without spilling anything.

Later on during the day I went upstairs to my bedroom and looked at my naughty notebook. Sometimes, when I am angry and upset, I will open this notebook and write down the naughty words that I wouldn’t dare say out loud over and over again. Two days ago Mummy wouldn’t let me go out and play in the garden because it was getting dark. I had left my afternoon banana out there by accident but Mummy said it was too dangerous to go out there now as a fox might be sniffing around. I screamed really loudly and went upstairs and wrote ‘poo’ in my naughty notebook.

When I am angry I press down really hard with my crayons but after half a page I will calm down and sharpen it again so it still looks nice on my bookshelf.

27 responses to “Justin Bieber’s Diary

  1. CaseKeibs 11/14/2011 at 12:38 PM

    That’s just plain funny. Great Work, thanks for the laugh!

  2. Ibrahim Asghar 11/14/2011 at 1:09 PM


  3. Pete Howorth 11/14/2011 at 1:30 PM

    I heard him say bum once, such a foul mouth

  4. Rob Rubin 11/14/2011 at 2:34 PM

    He’s got to get ready for his duet performance with Rick Perry.


    • Michael Cargill 11/14/2011 at 2:49 PM

      Rob, if you fix it so that your name is linked to your blog you won’t need to put a link to it in the comments. Easily fixed:

      Dashboard > Users > Personal settings. Scroll down to the Website box and put the full address of your blog in it. Save.


  5. Random Female Blog 11/14/2011 at 3:50 PM

    Using a grown up bowl for the first time… Such a big step.

  6. kickingsport 11/14/2011 at 6:09 PM

    Insights like this show us why he is an inspiration to millions of young Americans.

  7. Anna 11/14/2011 at 10:06 PM

    OMG I can’t believe all these comments! I still have to hold a flannel over my face and get my Mum to wash my hair and I’m 21! You’re all so mean and don’t understand… NONE OF YOU UNDERSTAND.*

    *Sarcasm. Maybe. No. Definitely sarcasm.

  8. mooselicker 11/14/2011 at 10:39 PM

    The term “afternoon banana” has now entered my vocabulary. Made me cackle like a woman.

  9. robpixaday 11/15/2011 at 1:05 AM


  10. ikeusa 11/15/2011 at 1:36 AM

    I really enjoy the line about pressing down hard on crayons…LOL

  11. sami116 11/15/2011 at 11:47 AM

    BAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!! I twittered this. I shall hold you liable if ‘Kill Sami’ is trending because of the millions of teenage girls who see it on my profile. 😉

    • Michael Cargill 11/15/2011 at 12:25 PM

      Thank you very much. Just so you know, if I get famous from your Twittering of this I won’t hold you liable and so won’t be giving you anything if I earn millions of pounds because of it.

      Just so you know, like.

  12. Becoming Bitter 11/17/2011 at 4:49 PM

    Love this post Micheal, but I bet you already knew that I would.

  13. Sasha 01/31/2012 at 1:59 AM

    Afternoon banana – hahaha!

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