Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Beauty Baggins does horoscopes
I bought an instrument the other day; can you guess what it was? It’s large, it’s brown, and it can be found in orchestra buildings… and it rhymes with ‘cello’. No, wait, I meant ‘yellow’. Damn, I mucked the game up. Oh well, on with the show.
Pisces, Taurus, Gemini
An Xbox will be your downfall this week. Whether it is from being electrocuted in your own house, from one falling from a shelf onto your head, or just being beaten whilst playing Call of Duty online I cannot say, so I recommend wearing rubber gloves and a motorbike helmet for a few days. Don’t fall asleep in department stores either.
Cancer, Leo, Scorpio
Pick up a stick and throw it really hard. Now wait a few minutes to see if a friendly dog proudly brings it back to you. If he does, then throw it again, but harder and in a different direction and see if the dog brings it back again. Kidnap the dog and claim a reward when the owners notice it is missing. If no dogs appear for you, make sure you aren’t still in your bedroom and try doing it in a park instead.
Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra
Think of a number and double it. Then treble that number, add some zeroes, and double it again. That number still isn’t as large as the number of bacteria on your face so go and have a bath and rinse yourself off with a cold shower lest you catch something. You people are filthy.
Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries
Be sure to stock up on batteries over the next few days as there’s a kleptomaniac on the loose, and he’s out there stealing TV remote controls from the unwary. He has a weird OCD thing where he requires all these stolen remotes to have fresh batteries, so if you deny him this outlet he will get frustrated and hand himself back in.