Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

France, my country, is wonderful. Brits and Yanks, they steal from us.

Bonjour, I am Pierre and my motto is Vive la France! France isberet so amazing that we are currently on our Fifth Republic. Those stupid Brits and Yankees copied us so we went lots better and had many more revolutions than they did; ha! In my native France I love eating pickled onions as they are so tasty and nice. I have one with breakfast of croissant, red wine, and cheese. Sometimes I even have TWO pickled onions. If I brew pickled onion for long enough and it look handsome enough, I nail it to front door of house so I am greeted by it each time I come home from having big sex in street. You should come visit one day, is nice. If you are a Brit or a Yankee, you can’t stay more than one hour in case you steal from me.

Have you seen television? In case you don’t know television is like radio but in a box with moving picture. At first I thought it pixie theatre but after turning it off and on many times I never catch pixies in middle of toilet or resting. If I was in a pixie theatre I would write play about France culture habit of having big sex in street. Television was invented in France in 1985 and now nearly everyone has one. We keep the recipe a secret so no-one else in world has a TV and we make them very heavy so no-one can steal them. If I came home to find Brit and Yankee taking Polaroid photo of TV to steal idea I would bop their noses off. Polaroid was invented in France as well, I think in 1982 or 1923, I not really sure.

I did student exchange with Brit school many years ago. They had competition with conkers so I entered with pickled onion. Pickled onion is tough but rubbery, so they couldn’t break it no matter what they try. I not win because pickled onion not hard enough but I not lose either. I ended my year there with no loses in conkers competition and they bastards who not even give me medal or scarf or socks for a prize.

While I was there someone broke into my locker many times I think to try to steal my pickled onions. It was Brit school in Brit so it was probably Brit thief. I out fooled them by keeping onions in my pockets at all times so I can touch them, feel them, stroke them, and then smell my fingers afterwards. Smell is nice and many Brit badgers and weasels think so too, because they followed me every day. I wondered if Brit animals are thieves, too, so I stayed up a tree most days.

Next year I look forward to getting colour TV when they invented by French TV inventors.

5 responses to “France, my country, is wonderful. Brits and Yanks, they steal from us.

  1. kickingsport 11/12/2011 at 1:34 PM

    Can’t wait for them to invent football. I’m really going to enjoy that.

  2. mooselicker 11/12/2011 at 3:10 PM

    Least offensive thing I have ever read. Why does everyone hate the French so much? I mean, I do, but I don’t understand why. I guess it’s like how a group of friends all has that one guy they rag on.

    • Michael Cargill 11/12/2011 at 5:08 PM

      The English hate them because for the best part of the past 600 years they have been better than us at wars and shit. Yanks hate them for being crap in WWII and then for being a bunch of twats after it.

      Plus the fact they are, well, French.

  3. greatlakessocialist 11/15/2011 at 2:58 AM

    Bien fait! J’aime beacoup regardez le ski du nautique aussi!

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