- RT @davidwalliams: Matt & I in the first picture from our new comedy series ‘Little World’. https://t.co/gxPVfj2Y0n 1 week ago
Peeps who interviewed me
Trailer for Underneath
Trailer for Shades of Grey
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
A vending machine has spoken of his “Delight and happiness,” at finally breaching the “Magical five thousand mark,” that “Sadly not all of us make it to.” The machine, a Magi Dispense 350 model manufactured in 1998, says he will never forget the moment when “The man in the purple shirt selected row B5,” and watched expectantly as the “Limited edition peanut butter Kit Kat fell down into the collection area. It was the last one I had in stock and I hope the crispy chocolate coating didn’t break as it landed,” the machine confided.
During his time in service the machine has “Seen many different types of people,” and claims to have “done more mileage than the Olympic torch.” His most popular snack is “Definitely the Chomp bar by a ratio of about 3:1 over the second-placed Mars Bar,” and he puts this resounding success down to its “Consistent inflation-busting price of only ten pence. Everyone likes a bargain, even the well-to-do ladies who usually buy something from the more expensive hand-cooked crisps range.”
In his time the machine has been a faithful servant to “Many a unique character.” He recounts that “one guy in particular would always have me guessing,” as he would always spend a good fifteen seconds or so, “browsing my entire selection, his eyes darting frantically from one row to the next.” Some people had “Some really weird habits,” such as “Licking a coin if I rejected it the first time,” or even “resting their chin on their wallet or purse as they tried to decide what to purchase.”
He said that a sudden “Zombie or terrorist attack,” would be in his “top three list of nightmare scenarios.” He says that he has “Seen the films and the first thing people do when the food runs out is to smash up the vending machines and steal everything,” a situation that “fills every Magi Dispense 350 with dread.”
“The thought of all those coins spilling out onto the floor is something we just don’t talk about.”