Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Beauty Baggins talks Zodiac

What’s all thishoroscopes Movember nonsense then, eh? Charity? Everyone who takes part ends up looking like a pervert or a tramp. I hope there aren’t any teachers taking part in it or they might end up getting arrested, beaten up, or promoted to head master.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

Net curtains make an ideal fishnet substitute so if you live near the coast you can try and catch a dolphin. Dolphins are supposed to really intelligent so you could probably get a clever idea from them and then try to patent it. If you don’t live near the coast you could try making a parachute or something else instead.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Everyone likes BBQs so you should have a BBQ. Invite some friends, have a few beers, and hope no-one dies of food poisoning. You will be the talk of the town with your generosity and may even get a mention in the local paper. However, if it rains everyone will hate you so plan things carefully.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Do you suffer from having chronic itchiness inside your ears? Cotton wool buds not reaching far enough? Then get a packet of frankfurters and use a butter knife to whittle yourself a handy inner-ear itcher. If a bit breaks off don’t panic as sausages decompose relatively quickly.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Yoghurt. Such an inane type of food especially plain yoghurt. What’s the point? Just have some milk or a bag of jelly babies instead. I recommend changing your diet and some buying liquorice – it will make mealtimes more interesting and also doubles up as an environmentally friendly alternative to after-dinner mints.

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8 responses to “Beauty Baggins talks Zodiac

  1. motherventing 11/06/2011 at 11:01 AM

    I’m hoping for a handlebar ‘tache of supreme lushness for my Movember contribution. In which case, I’ll have to be extra-specially careful when lighting my BBQ. No one likes singed facial furniture.

  2. kickingsport 11/06/2011 at 12:48 PM

    The barbeque idea’s really a bit risky. Starting to wonder if I can take your horoscopes completely seriously…

  3. robpixaday 11/06/2011 at 8:00 PM

    Liquorice!!!!!!!!
    Wooooohoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

    I’m so glad you posted this!

  4. Anna 11/07/2011 at 12:33 AM

    One of my friends is doing Movember and just looks like a total paedophile. Enough said.

    Oh, and plain yoghurt = BLEGH. Also enough said.

    😀

  5. mooselicker 11/07/2011 at 8:23 PM

    Your horoscopes are becoming less about your amazing psychic ability and more about your ability to mention as many foods as possible.

    Way to rope in the fatties!

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