Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

I am Steve Dog, real-life superhero

Oy oy, saveloy. My name ifists Steve Dog and I am known for being a real man’s man. Some of you may already know me for my recent information leaflet called “How to safely take apart an extractor fan during a hurricane” but for those that don’t, I welcome you and I hope we can be good to each other. I like a laugh the same as anyone else and will happily engage in any friendly banter that might be occurring, but if you step over the boundary and start insulting my family then there will be trouble. I am very protective about my family and will always defend their honour. Feel free to take the piss out of my cousin all you want though as he is just a ponce who spends too much time in the garden.

The other night I was sitting down at home having a munch on a corned beef sandwich when some soppy-sounding bloke rang me on the mobile. He said he owned some company that did promotional stuff and he wanted to use me on the front of a magazine after witnessing me in action down the gym the other week. I told him that I wouldn’t be doing anything for less than £50k and he said that wasn’t a problem; he then sent his private jet to pick me up. Six hours later and I was in some place with loads of skanky birds walking around in bikinis, thongs, and all sorts. We did the photo shoot in a warehouse and I was proper magic I tell you. I was back home by midnight with an easy £65k in me pocket and I even got to shag one of the skanky birds on the plane as well.

I took it easy for a couple days but after running low on baked beans and pork pies I decided to pop out to the shops to grab some munch. I was checking out me guns in the window of a kebab shop when I noticed a commotion going on inside. The owner was waving some machete knife thing at a couple of drunk blokes who were doing some right nasty things all over the floor. I went in to see what the problem was and these two geezers proper shit ‘emselves when they saw me and they pissed off out of it sharpish. I then told the owner to put the bloody knife down before I got the arsehole with him and he calmed down a bit. Him and his wife were a right hairy pair of uglies but I got a free shish kebab so it all worked out fine in the end.

Peace.

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11 responses to “I am Steve Dog, real-life superhero

  1. April Trice 11/03/2011 at 12:40 PM

    Steve Dog: I want to have your babies.

    • Michael Cargill 11/03/2011 at 2:35 PM

      April

      You look well classy and you will no doubt be happy to hear that I have been doing extra press-ups these last few weeks. I am due to do another photoshoot this week – would you be interested in coming with me on the plane?

      Cheers

      Steve Dog.

  2. Pete Howorth 11/03/2011 at 3:25 PM

    Steve, thanks for setting me up with your sister, she’s a right nippy sweetie, never seen a mouth like it, jackhammered her into the floor though so you’ll more than likely be Uncle Steve sooner or later.

    See you at the gym tomorrow.

  3. April Trice 11/03/2011 at 5:26 PM

    My Shagadelic Steve,
    No need for the photo shoot. I’ll just Google you, yeah?

  4. robpixaday 11/03/2011 at 7:56 PM

    You rock, Steve Dog!

    I don’t usually like guns but when you toss baked beans into the mix then there’ll be fireworks, for sure!
    Haaaaa…………!

    btw I Googled “Oy oy saveloy” because I recall singing about “saveloy” in our high school production of Oliver and didn’t know what it meant then. Love the internet.

    Thank you for sharing you superhero-ness with us!!!

  5. mooselicker 11/03/2011 at 8:46 PM

    I’m curious how your family came to get the last name Dog.

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