- RT @davidwalliams: Matt & I in the first picture from our new comedy series ‘Little World’. https://t.co/gxPVfj2Y0n 1 week ago
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Trailer for Underneath
Trailer for Shades of Grey
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Hi there subjects, Prince William here. I hope you are all receiving my message loud and clear on this here web-interface-blog thingymejot, for I have something important to say. About six months ago, I married a jolly nice middle-class girl called Kate Middleton and do you know what? She ain’t half a pretty one! It’s an extraordinary occurrence given her lack of breeding, but it’s true and I can’t quite believe that I’ve only just noticed it. I haven’t yet decided whether to tell her this as I am frightfully worried of giving her the wrong impression of me. So far we have mostly exchanged friendly pleasantries in the hallways and the occasional friendly smile from across the banquet table, but other than that I don’t really know much about her. Which is a damn shame, really.
Now, I don’t claim to be an expert on girls but what I want to know is where this pretty face of hers came from – it definitely wasn’t there back when we got married. I have heard many tales about the tricks and craftiness of women, but had always poo-pooed them before. Now, however, I’m not so sure. I have to consider the possibility that she is trying to gain full access to my princely crown jewels and it is no joke when I say that they are very delicate things indeed. They have several hundred years of vintage heritage behind them and when I asked the man in the tower about them, he said that they shouldn’t be handled too roughly. Worst case scenario is that they could disintegrate and turn to dust! What a horror of a thought!
One thing that I have noticed about Kate, is that she keeps carrying this little leather bag around with her. Grandmama Queeny told me that it is a ladies handbag and I have to say I am utterly enthralled with the concept of such a thing. What on earth is inside it? Fountain pens for signing the servant’s overtime slips? Choccy treats for the corgies? Frogs legs and beetles for casting mind-control spells…? Perhaps I could ask Prince Harry about it, he seems to get on well with her. I often see them laughing and joking together and I believe they go horse-riding as well. He always knows about these sorts of things.
I have also noticed that her sister, Pippa Middleton, has a cracking little arse on her too.