Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

iPhone bereavement hotline set up as Samsung outsells Apple


Recently released sales figures had Apple corp. rapidly expanding their Indian call-centre operations as news that Samsung managed to outsell the iPhone earlier this year hit home. Apple fan James Frank was left “Dazed and confused,” as he was left considering “whether I should be stocking up on beans and sardines again,” like he did “right before the Y2K millennium bug hit.” Already reeling from the news that Steve Jobs is “No longer around to give me confidence in my purchases,” James has been phoning the helpline “Every other hour since the news broke.” This is partly down to the fact that “I can’t understand a word they’re bloody saying.”

Call centre worker Bob Patel told us that call volumes have “Increased five-fold,” that most callers are “in tears and a state of mild depression,” and also that “One person called up to say they were sharpening the edges of their iPad to slit their own throat with.” The caller was tactfully reminded that “such activities would probably invalidate the warranty.”


James remembers the times when he could “Sit on the train safe in the knowledge that my choice of smartphone was the right one,” and that he would “Wield those apple-white earphones with pride.” In an effort to regain the confidence of the past he has been “Re-watching old clips of Apple Expo,” and making sure that “my turtle-neck sweater is properly starched.”

A Samsung spokesmen told us that whilst the company was pleased with the news, he conceded that “We can’t sit back and relax just yet,” as “Apple fans are already organising themselves and prowling around our in-shop display stands. I think they’re looking for weaknesses as they’re roaring and flexing their claws like the velociraptors from Jurassic Park.”

James Frank spoke philosophically as he explained “This must be how Austin Powers felt when he lost his mojo.”

13 responses to “iPhone bereavement hotline set up as Samsung outsells Apple

  1. kickingsport 10/29/2011 at 9:58 AM

    Do you have any of these contraptions? I don’t have the money (squandered it all on multiple degrees) so don’t really understand why they’re so vital but this piece certainly seems to sum up a lot of what I hear about these gadgets and those who become attached.

  2. Random Female Blog 10/29/2011 at 11:45 AM

    Why does every single person lives with his/her iPhone in their hands? Did the iPhone grew out of this hand? It’s just a phone, as you say. Just a phone. And you shouldn’t always stay connected.

    • Michael Cargill 10/29/2011 at 6:33 PM

      They are plebs. I remember life before mobile phones and no-one died because they couldn’t text their mother every ten minutes.

      It’s ridiculous how people take them around the gym with them as well.

  3. mooselicker 10/29/2011 at 2:17 PM

    Wouldn’t it be funny if in 5 years we discovered that all apple devices caused cancer and that Steve Jobs was just an evil man who wanted to give everyone cancer? Maybe funny isn’t the right word.

    At the very least we can agree that they are mind control devices.

    • Random Female Blog 10/29/2011 at 5:08 PM

      That sounds like a movie. Add some mutants and it’s complete :).
      But you are right.

    • Michael Cargill 10/29/2011 at 6:44 PM

      For you, me, Random Female and Kicking Sport it would be funny. Utterly hilarious in fact.

      The initial humour would be when we wake up, look at the BBC News website and see “iPhones cause cancer” as a headline. I would do a big lol. Then a lmao, followed by a rofl.

      Over the ensuing days the long-term humour would come from reading about all the Apple fans who:

      – Refuse to believe the news.
      – Believe it but try to twist things so that having a cancer is somehow a good thing.
      – Believe it but make excuses for Steve Jobs saying it isn’t his fault.
      – Believe it and say it is part of a long-term plan so that the Apple Faithful can join Steve Jobs soon in the afterlife.

      • robpixaday 10/29/2011 at 7:12 PM

        Trying sooooooooooo hard not to laugh.

        ::runs away giggling::

      • mooselicker 10/29/2011 at 8:35 PM

        For a good year or 2 whenever I heard someone say “I’m going to apple store” I honestly thought it was a store that sold organic fruits, specializing in apple. I’m so out of touch with the rest of the world.

  4. robpixaday 10/29/2011 at 7:11 PM

    Oh, my goodness! SO FUNNY!
    Sharpening the iPad… brilliant visual!

    My phone was born in 1997 and it doesn’t speak internet, just phone numbers (and I use it only once a year, to make sure it’s still breathing), so I don’t have personal knowledge of current phone-biz. But my Mac reminds me daily of how delicate the handheld-ecology is.

    I’ve come to the conclusion that all these people with phones attached to their auditory receptors are really listening to the ocean. What else could be so intriguing?

    You’re a wonderful writer/essayist!

    • Michael Cargill 10/29/2011 at 11:07 PM

      Such comments swell my ego and also my… well, I think you know where I am going with this.

      I have updated my phone several times since 2000 or so but mostly due to contractual upgrades. I haven’t ever owned a smartphone though, don’t really see the point of paying extra for one.

      I likes me Kindle though.

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