Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
iPhone bereavement hotline set up as Samsung outsells Apple
10/29/2011Posted by on
Recently released sales figures had Apple corp. rapidly expanding their Indian call-centre operations as news that Samsung managed to outsell the iPhone earlier this year hit home. Apple fan James Frank was left “Dazed and confused,” as he was left considering “whether I should be stocking up on beans and sardines again,” like he did “right before the Y2K millennium bug hit.” Already reeling from the news that Steve Jobs is “No longer around to give me confidence in my purchases,” James has been phoning the helpline “Every other hour since the news broke.” This is partly down to the fact that “I can’t understand a word they’re bloody saying.”
Call centre worker Bob Patel told us that call volumes have “Increased five-fold,” that most callers are “in tears and a state of mild depression,” and also that “One person called up to say they were sharpening the edges of their iPad to slit their own throat with.” The caller was tactfully reminded that “such activities would probably invalidate the warranty.”
James remembers the times when he could “Sit on the train safe in the knowledge that my choice of smartphone was the right one,” and that he would “Wield those apple-white earphones with pride.” In an effort to regain the confidence of the past he has been “Re-watching old clips of Apple Expo,” and making sure that “my turtle-neck sweater is properly starched.”
A Samsung spokesmen told us that whilst the company was pleased with the news, he conceded that “We can’t sit back and relax just yet,” as “Apple fans are already organising themselves and prowling around our in-shop display stands. I think they’re looking for weaknesses as they’re roaring and flexing their claws like the velociraptors from Jurassic Park.”
James Frank spoke philosophically as he explained “This must be how Austin Powers felt when he lost his mojo.”