Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

‘Atkins diet doesn’t work’ says piranha


A red-bellied piranha has claimed that the Atkins diet is a “Whole load of old bobbins,” that he is now “utterly bored of.” The 7-inch fish was first introduced to the diet, “When I was but a small nipper, if you’ll excuse the pun,” and for a while “Had great fun with it.” Most people end up eating platefuls of bacon and burgers when on the diet, which he found “A bit boring and shite,” and much preferred his own method of “devouring entire animals in a matter of minutes.”

After a few years, however, he noticed that he was “Still the same size as everyone else,” despite making “A shed load of sacrifices and changes to my lifestyle.” The most frustrating thing was seeing everyone else “Just tucking into whatever fell in the river,” whereas he was constantly having to “Wait for the right buffalo or wild boar to come along.”


Feeling upbeat about the future, he is “Looking forward to biting into a nice, greasy bit of crocodile arse.” Talking about the pressure his diet put on his social activities, the piranha won’t miss “The horrendous wind it gave me,” and will no longer be “asked to stand in the corner until the smell goes away.”

Currently” his number one priority is “Getting back into the dating scene,” and he believes that he is “Only a haircut and a splash of aftershave away,” from “Getting down and nibbly with a loose-finned femme fatale.”

“I plan on going to a bar, have maybe a glass of bucks fizz for a spot of the old Dutch courage and then I’m set. My friends, you ain’t seen nothing yet.”

6 responses to “‘Atkins diet doesn’t work’ says piranha

  1. kickingsport 10/28/2011 at 10:07 AM

    Creatures great and small try all these diets in order to fit in with today air-brushed society but we don’t understand how it effects people like the piranha interviewed in this article. Great to read a story about someone who’s realised it’s better just to get “down and nibbly”! (And your weight’ll take care of itself.)

  2. robpixaday 10/28/2011 at 9:26 PM


    Love it!

  3. mooselicker 10/28/2011 at 10:54 PM

    He’s lucky to get out while he did. Fish are already high in cholestoral. I can’t imagine how bad one that eats bacon would be.

    Good for him. I hope he finds what he’s looking for.

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