Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

North Pole elves claim that Santa is ‘worse than Hitler’

SantaConditions

Documents released by Wikileaks have revealed that all is not well up at the North Pole with Santa Claus being described as “A slave driver,” and a “Real arrogant son of a bitch,” by his employees. Although commonly regarded as the world’s greatest philanthropist, Santa Claus is “Typical of someone who managed to come up with only one good idea in their entire life,” and has been “Milking it for all it’s worth, ever since.”

Head elf Erika Layla said “Every year it’s the same with all of us working long shifts in the run up to Christmas. His popularity has really gone to his head and he’s been unbearable ever since people started leaving mince pies and wine out for him.” Depression and loneliness are rife in the Grotto, with “Everyone’s ears drooping by the end of the day,” and some of the workers even go so far as to “Wish we had all been born as dwarves instead.”

Perspective

Santa’s wife hit back at the accusations, stating that “his main priority is making sure the kids have a great Christmas,” and that “despite spending the entire night emptying his sacks all over the world, he still comes back home for a nice snuggle. As far as I’m concerned he can do what he wants.” She conceded that “Maybe he is a bit too fond of riding the reindeer late at night,” but then again “every man has his Achilles heel; his is just higher up. It don’t half make a bloody mess of his trousers though.”

Equally scandalous charges were made against the tooth fairy recently after it was revealed that improved dental hygiene has meant that demand for her services has waned in recent years. She was accused of trying to drum up extra business by “Crapping in people’s mouths as they slept,” so that they had “Really shitty breath in the morning.”

“There is no tooth to these allegations,” she claimed. “Someone is making a mountain out of a molar hill.”

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16 responses to “North Pole elves claim that Santa is ‘worse than Hitler’

  1. malf922 10/25/2011 at 10:38 AM

    He’s definitely a slave driver, that much I know. Contrary to popular belief, his toy shop in the North Pole is actually a sweat shop in Taiwan. And those “elves” are actually children. And the nerve to call yourself “Saint Nick” while still alive is pure arrogance. I know what I’ll tell my kids when they ask me if Santa is real. “Yes, he’s real, a real jerk.”

  2. motherventing 10/25/2011 at 10:55 AM

    Santa. What a c*nt. The name’s an anagram of SATAN, don’t you know. That’s your proof, right there!

    PS I actually guffawed out loud at ’emptying his sacks’. Filth.

  3. mooselicker 10/25/2011 at 5:27 PM

    At least he made his head elf a woman. He’s not sexist. Unless he only did it to pinch her little elf butt as she tries to make wooden horses.

    • Michael Cargill 10/25/2011 at 6:29 PM

      Yup, he can’t be all bad if he chose a woman as his head elf. Just like Hitler getting the trains to run on time, it sorts of makes up for the other bad stuff that went on.

  4. Random Female Blog 10/25/2011 at 6:27 PM

    You always find the hidden social sores. People never think about these things- until they find them here.

  5. fourbluehills 10/26/2011 at 7:06 PM

    Hilarious! Poor Santa, no appreciation at all.

  6. beckyday6 08/04/2012 at 9:28 PM

    “and some of the workers even going so far as to “wish we had all been born as dwarves instead”.
    Hahaaa! Ohh I love this. When I was younger I was scared of all those Santa’s lurking around shopping centre’s etc, I always refused to talk to them or sit on their knee. Now I understand why, I subconciously knew he was a douche.

    • Michael Cargill 08/04/2012 at 11:22 PM

      It was even worse when the Santa was really skinny.

      You watching the Olympics still? It’s great!

      • beckyday6 08/04/2012 at 11:26 PM

        Haha yeah I am, watched that British girl win the Hectathlon thingy, and another British guy win a running race. Woop woop! I can’t believe I’m enjoying watching this much sport lol. You?

        • Michael Cargill 08/05/2012 at 12:18 AM

          I’ve had two, or three, streams of it on at once at times!

          The cycling stuff we keep winning is sort of weird to watch, but hey! MOAR MEDALS.

          Surprisingly, I didn’t really care that we went out of the football. When this is all over, football will fade even further into the background for me.

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