Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Beauty Baggins has your Zodiacs

Morning kids, how are things? I entehoroscopesred myself into a gardening competition the other day. Now, I am usually rubbish at gardening and my horticultural skills tend to begin and end with pouring weed killer over everything, but the prize is a 2000 watt Flymo Chopatron lawnmower. It sounds bloody marvellous.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

You should either grow a beard or purchase a fake one this week. What with the rising food prices, they make ideal ‘stray food catchers’ so if you get hungry you can just have a munch on that sausage that fell out of your mouth earlier in the day. Or you could just refrain from burping so much whilst you eat your dinner, the choice is yours.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Do you like watching Formula 1 races? You do? What an immensely boring person you must be. Get yourself outside and do something for once. Either repair the puncture on your bike, or, if your bike is working fine, give it a puncture and go for a walk instead. Go to a shopping centre and put bits of bubble wrap on the floor to see how many old people you can scare shitless.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Hamsters like sunflower seeds, chimpanzees like bananas, and you like sugar in your tea and coffee. You should write a book and call it something like ‘Typical eating habits of the daft, the stupid, and the hairy,” it would be a best seller. Any profits would be wiped out with you repeatedly buying a copy for yourself, though.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

The tree that is near the front of your house is looking a bit dangerous these days. Before cutting it down, you should try and make a tree house in it and hold a street BBQ for the locals. If anyone gets injured you can all claim compensation from the council and get the tree chopped down for free as well. It’s win-win all round.

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6 responses to “Beauty Baggins has your Zodiacs

  1. motherventing 10/23/2011 at 2:54 PM

    I don’t like F1. I can’t ride a bike, and therefore don’t own one. I would go to a shopping centre but I’m banned from all the local ones. Last time I played with some bubble wrap, there was an international ‘incident’ and now Belgium has my name on a blacklist.

    What do you suggest now, O wise one?

    • Michael Cargill 10/23/2011 at 4:07 PM

      Hi Venting.

      My suggestions were just that – suggestions. One alternative you could try would be to put some sausages and bits of pineapple on some cocktail sticks and offer them to any homeless people you happen to chance upon. Whether you cook the sausages or not is up to you.

      Thanks

      Baggins.

  2. mooselicker 10/23/2011 at 6:33 PM

    Libra here,

    I am writing a book currently and do not have a title. It’s about a divorced woman whose dream of becoming an astronaut is crushed after she discovers that it’s only the year 1389 and astronauts do not yet exist. That discovery occurs in the first 5 pages and the rest of it is about her doing daily chores such as cleaning up after camels and covering her face from her husband.

    Now that I have the book title, I can finally begin to forcefully hand it to literary agents as they laugh at my poor grammar. Thank you

    • Michael Cargill 10/23/2011 at 7:27 PM

      Hi Moose

      Glad to be of assistance. Well I say I am glad but really this prediction stuff is just my job – I wouldn’t give two shits otherwise.

      Thanks

      Baggins.

  3. Anna 10/23/2011 at 11:19 PM

    I’m an Aries, and I’m totally up for a ‘win-win all round’ even if it means being crushed by a tree in the process. *High-five!*

    • Michael Cargill 10/24/2011 at 9:33 AM

      Hi Anna

      It’s always nice to get positive feedback. Most of the time I just get people moaning that they didn’t win the lottery. I once had a Taurus complain that he won the lottery but then got swindled by someone who had the same star sign as him. There is just no pleasing some people.

      Thanks

      Baggins

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