- RT @davidwalliams: Matt & I in the first picture from our new comedy series ‘Little World’. https://t.co/gxPVfj2Y0n 1 week ago
Peeps who interviewed me
Trailer for Underneath
Trailer for Shades of Grey
Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Morning kids, how are things? I entered myself into a gardening competition the other day. Now, I am usually rubbish at gardening and my horticultural skills tend to begin and end with pouring weed killer over everything, but the prize is a 2000 watt Flymo Chopatron lawnmower. It sounds bloody marvellous.
Pisces, Taurus, Gemini
You should either grow a beard or purchase a fake one this week. What with the rising food prices, they make ideal ‘stray food catchers’ so if you get hungry you can just have a munch on that sausage that fell out of your mouth earlier in the day. Or you could just refrain from burping so much whilst you eat your dinner, the choice is yours.
Cancer, Leo, Scorpio
Do you like watching Formula 1 races? You do? What an immensely boring person you must be. Get yourself outside and do something for once. Either repair the puncture on your bike, or, if your bike is working fine, give it a puncture and go for a walk instead. Go to a shopping centre and put bits of bubble wrap on the floor to see how many old people you can scare shitless.
Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra
Hamsters like sunflower seeds, chimpanzees like bananas, and you like sugar in your tea and coffee. You should write a book and call it something like ‘Typical eating habits of the daft, the stupid, and the hairy,” it would be a best seller. Any profits would be wiped out with you repeatedly buying a copy for yourself, though.
Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries
The tree that is near the front of your house is looking a bit dangerous these days. Before cutting it down, you should try and make a tree house in it and hold a street BBQ for the locals. If anyone gets injured you can all claim compensation from the council and get the tree chopped down for free as well. It’s win-win all round.