Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
I’m a guitarist and I hate drummers because they are idiots
10/20/2011Posted by on
Hi, my name is Dave Grouch and I am the lead guitarist for a band called Maximum Underdog. If there is one thing that I cannot stand it’s a crap drummer. It’s not a hard job; you just sit there on a stool and smashing your sticks on the bongo things. Occasionally you might have to hit a cymbal – big deal. Anyone can be a drummer so there is no excuse for being rubbish at it. If you are the drummer in a band you are probably an idiot and there is a good chance that the lead guitarist hates you. You should try having a bath once in a while – with any luck you might even drown.
Our drummer is an embarrassment. He is incredibly ugly; he has ridiculously hairy arms; he doesn’t even have any rhythm. At all. He wears tracksuit bottoms but doesn’t do any exercise. He has a beard but isn’t Santa Claus. For his birthday he asked for a recipe book but seeing as he can’t cook for shit we got him a second-hand Rubix cube instead: he hasn’t got a clue what to do with it. He is an idiot and he can’t even play the drums properly. I say again: being a drummer isn’t a hard job. Playing a guitar is hard because there is lots to remember. You need to know about chords, riffs, and other complicated stuff. Drummers don’t need to know shit and that is why they are morons.
When I was younger I had to stay indoors to practice and didn’t go out. Playing a guitar is hard and it requires huge amounts of practice; you can practice playing the drums whilst taking a crap. Take a pencil in with you and tap on your knees and that’s it. You will probably stab yourself at some point because you’re a drummer, which means you’re stupid. Your job is easy yet you manage to stab your knees when you practice. You are a burden on everyone else because they have to make sure you aren’t trying to eat the speakers. Or unblock your ears with the drumsticks. Or doing Chinaman impressions with the cymbals halfway through a set.
We chose the name ‘Maximum Underdog’ after seeing a photo of the singer in bed with a massive fat girl. She looked like an idiot and was probably a drummer.