Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

I’m a guitarist and I hate drummers because they are idiots

guitarHi, my name is Dave Grouch and I am the lead guitarist for a band called Maximum Underdog. If there is one thing that I cannot stand it’s a crap drummer. It’s not a hard job; you just sit there on a stool and smashing your sticks on the bongo things. Occasionally you might have to hit a cymbal – big deal. Anyone can be a drummer so there is no excuse for being rubbish at it. If you are the drummer in a band you are probably an idiot and there is a good chance that the lead guitarist hates you. You should try having a bath once in a while – with any luck you might even drown.

Our drummer is an embarrassment. He is incredibly ugly; he has ridiculously hairy arms; he doesn’t even have any rhythm. At all. He wears tracksuit bottoms but doesn’t do any exercise. He has a beard but isn’t Santa Claus. For his birthday he asked for a recipe book but seeing as he can’t cook for shit we got him a second-hand Rubix cube instead: he hasn’t got a clue what to do with it. He is an idiot and he can’t even play the drums properly. I say again: being a drummer isn’t a hard job. Playing a guitar is hard because there is lots to remember. You need to know about chords, riffs, and other complicated stuff. Drummers don’t need to know shit and that is why they are morons.

When I was younger I had to stay indoors to practice and didn’t go out. Playing a guitar is hard and it requires huge amounts of practice; you can practice playing the drums whilst taking a crap. Take a pencil in with you and tap on your knees and that’s it. You will probably stab yourself at some point because you’re a drummer, which means you’re stupid. Your job is easy yet you manage to stab your knees when you practice. You are a burden on everyone else because they have to make sure you aren’t trying to eat the speakers. Or unblock your ears with the drumsticks. Or doing Chinaman impressions with the cymbals halfway through a set.
We chose the name ‘Maximum Underdog’ after seeing a photo of the singer in bed with a massive fat girl. She looked like an idiot and was probably a drummer.

43 responses to “I’m a guitarist and I hate drummers because they are idiots

  1. motherventing 10/20/2011 at 10:08 AM

    Were you maligned by a drummer in some way? Did a drummer shoot you in the face in a previous life? Drummers are all right. My brother is a drummer for a *insert music genre I know nothing about here* band and he’s awesome. I feel I ought to defend his honour. Therefore: guitarists are shit. POW!

  2. KatiesCameraBlog 10/20/2011 at 2:06 PM

    This just had me laughing. Love your post title too. 🙂

  3. mooselicker 10/20/2011 at 10:27 PM

    Guitairists also use all 10 of their fingers individually. That’s like playing 10 instruments at once. The drummer from Def Leppard has one arm and his skill level didn’t change. Try playing a guitar with one arm. You can’t.

  4. sami116 10/21/2011 at 6:03 PM

    As much as I loved this post, I think it was a bit harsh. I love drummers, they are the only ones who can hurl something at the audience after a concert and expect to do damage.

    • Michael Cargill 10/21/2011 at 6:08 PM

      I can’t actually play any instrument at all but I reckon that I could do more damage with an electric guitar than a small drumming stick.

      I guess there is more comedy value by slamming a drum onto someone’s head though.

  5. nandobase 10/22/2011 at 2:05 PM

    Phil Collins was a drummer. Wasn’t he?

  6. Hassaan 10/24/2011 at 11:07 AM

    Hi, i stumble upon ur blog today and it fascinated me alot… keep up the good work.. maybe u like mine too

  7. Tristan 05/02/2012 at 5:46 PM

    I have to agree with sami116. Your article was a bit too harsh in some areas. Having played the drums for nigh on 16 years you tend to hear the same jokes and stupid remarks on apparently how easy it is to drum which is unjust considering the time it takes to practice and the physical exertion involved in creating sound. As for drummers supposed lack of intelligence, I have to say that not all of us are complete idiots (some parts are missing, that excludes Def Leppard’s drummer by the way) I’m sure that there are guitarists out there just as bad. Just be a bit more respectful especially as you don’t actually play the drums yourself because a kid learning to play drums could come here, read your article and that could potentially knock their self-esteem and confidence in what they think about themselves. That’s my two cents. Peace.

    • Michael Cargill 05/03/2012 at 12:20 PM

      To be honest, if a kid is put off of doing drumming because of this satire piece then they are probably too sensitive anyway.

      • Drummerboy123 12/03/2014 at 2:37 PM

        Hi! So I am a middle school student who has been drumming for about five years, and have been hearing stuff like this all the time. Before everyone jumps down my throat, I get that this is satire
        But as I can also play the guitar pretty well, everyone who tells me this is wrong, because I can tell you drums are among the hardest instruments there are.

        • Drummerboy123 12/03/2014 at 2:39 PM

          Oh, and by the way, I am among the smartest in my school, so there goes the dumb stereotype.

  8. Anonymous 12/03/2012 at 7:23 AM

    still man THINK ABOUT THE FUCKIN CHILDREN!!!!!!!!! also drumming is alot harder then playing guitar in the marching side of it just look up the blue devils on youtube

  9. Lucas 05/29/2013 at 9:00 PM

    You are a lowlife piece of shit, drummers aren’t morons, I hope all your strings break and you fucking loose an eye, oh btw, your a fucking failed abortion so your parents never loved you, asshole

  10. Drummer maza 09/02/2013 at 7:54 AM

    This is just bull shit….just because your drummer is not good at doin his stuff that dosent mean all drummers are like that….there are lot do talented drummers out there and try to replace a good one ..am a drummer and we spent years working very hard to build our stamina, strength and to get the beats right…for drumming we use both our hands and legs for playing the kit and its like 10 times more work to the brain than using just fingers no your guitar strings. And for your information we hit the cymbal which would match the pitch of the chord you are playing and finding the correct cymbal is not an easy job ..try playing a drum set for an hour or two without breaking the rythm and you will find it really painfully to move your arms for the next week..being a drummer i not an easy job dude…and with this attitude man…you are not going to reach any where

    • Michael Cargill 09/02/2013 at 9:05 AM

      We outsourced the drummer’s job to India. Although it’s much cheaper, the time difference means that organising practice sessions are a nuisance.

      Live gigs are pretty much out of the question as well.

      Swings and roundabouts, eh?

  11. Sargent 10/31/2013 at 7:33 AM

    Hahahahaha holy shit. That was too much. Get this guy a medal. I’m a drummer, and sweet Jesus, this man knows drummers. I was saved by knowing how to play guitar and sing. My only complaint is they are toms, not bongo thingys. Other than that, spot on. You have been drummer approved. Lol

    • Michael Cargill 10/31/2013 at 5:57 PM

      I’m a huge sucker for any kind of approval, and your drummer approval is more than welcome.

      I have to confess that I don’t actually play any instruments at all, so this was all conjured up out of, well, nothing really.

      Glad to entertain!

  12. CurlyDrummer 12/04/2013 at 10:45 PM

    My name basically says all. Drumming is a bit more than hitting “bongo things” and hitting a cymbal. Fair enough, some drummers are God-awful, but to say that all drummers are bad because your drummer is shite, is like criticising a music store because they sell shitty guitars. Not all drummers are bad, and some are more skilful than you’d think, drummers like Danny Carey, or guitarist and drummer Dave Grohl, have sent waves through music and inspired many drummers, myself included. Maybe I’ve shed some light on drummers in your view, personally though, in one of my bands, our lead guitarist would not shut up or stop playing, and so I did the obvious thing and threw a drum stick at him. Then he ate it. BOOM! How’s looking stupid now?

  13. Gavin McRae 12/11/2013 at 1:47 AM

    Not everybody can be a drummer faggot it’s a special little switch that’s clicked on in your head I’d like to see you try one day of being a drummer and see how much you suck dick and how incredibly lost you would be without one. In my opinion guitarists are stuck up breasts who think they are better than everybody else when they wouldn’t be shit with a band

    • Michael Cargill 12/11/2013 at 8:03 AM

      You are a jolly rude young man, Gavin McRae.

      Are you related to Colin McRae, the rally driver? I bet he’s got better manners than you.

      • Drummer boy 09/09/2014 at 9:42 AM

        Ok, this post is stupid. Considering that you don’t play a single instrument, you would have no idea what to do when you actually go to sit behind a drum kit, why would you even post this? I’m a drummer/guitarist /pianist, and let me tell you drums was the hardest most time consuming painful instrument to learn, it literally took me a year to learn guitar and I’m better than the lead guitarist in my band. Drummers have to learn to use each limb independantly, our arms and legs pretty much have to have a mind of its own, go to listen to any of your favourite bands, then take the drums out. The beat, the rythm, the tempo is all gone. The drums is the instrument the babysits the guitar. Saying drums is just hitting things eith sticks is like saying guitar is just plucking strings.

        • Michael Cargill 09/09/2014 at 10:31 AM

          Drummers learn to use each limb independently? A very useful skill for knowing how to react when one of your armpits are itchy and the other is fine.

          I remember when I first learnt how to use each leg independently; at eight years old, every little helps when it comes to figuring out how to ride a bike.

  14. Anonymous 03/11/2014 at 5:30 AM

    this is a really sad post to read. i really really want to learn the drums more than anything right now (and still do after reading this) but you have to much anger man. i mean seriously re-read your own post, go though the comments, its just foolish the way your thinking…

    btw nobody respond to this post like your tough and just fill it with anger and swear words. i wrote this like i would be talking to someone face to face. and calmly.

  15. Pingback: Thoughtless Dads and Adolescent Drummers « EXCRUTIATING MINUTIAE

  16. Chrissy 06/28/2015 at 2:31 PM

    I’m not a musician, but it seems to me that playing an instrument to your full potential demands practice, I see it with my son who plays guitar and bows to drummers that demand attention like Getty and Rush aficionados…not sure about this, but fun reading.

  17. Anonymous 05/17/2016 at 5:44 PM

    Well from what I just read, it’s only your drummer who seems to be stupid. It also seems you’re an idiot too for hiring him in the first place. Don’t generalize about drummers like that and drums aren’t really easy to play. Besides, if it weren’t for drummers, music would’ve have been extremely boring. Playing guitar alone may seem cool but it gets boring without a beat. Drummers are the backbone of any band and many bands would be considered shit if there were no drummers. Playing the drums require speed, lots of speed. It requires strength, too. It’s a tiring instrument to play and at some point, it’s painful. It’s not easy. If you see playing drums as hitting bongos with sticks then we can say that guitar is basically plucking some metal strings. Also my friend said once that drums are so easy to play! Made her try it out and she looked like a bitch! I had it recorded, too. Anyway it may seem easy but it’s harder than it looks. Also I’ve seen idiotic guitarists before but that doesn’t mean guitarists are generally dumb. Only stupid people like yourself would think that way. Btw, if you make some research, you’ll find out that drummers are really intelligent but are stereotyped to be idiots, like yourself. Search away.

  18. Pete 12/13/2016 at 11:37 PM

    First you need to do is read the music on the sheet. Then do 32nd note, sextuplets, 16th notes, triplets, 8th notes and quarter notes. You will also have to know your stroke rolls 1-12. Then you can finally use your actual drum set first you need a metronome and learn how to play ever single note in each exactly the same. After that you can start using you snare and bass with your hihat. Then you have to learn how to use your hihat peddle then learn about crashes and rides. You can then use notes in between hihat clicks. When you finally have that done you will have to learn drum fills with all of your drum set. Then learn how to use your floor tom like a hihat and play faster. Once you became so fast you can learn hard and fast drum fills from songs while still learn to read all of it. Then you need to be able to listen to a song and be able to make out what the drummer was playing until you can do it with any song. After that you are an intermediate level 2-3 drummer and have a lot farther to go.

    • Pete 12/13/2016 at 11:40 PM

      Drumming isn’t easy it just seems that way drumming is as hard as you make it. There are hundreds of different things to learn in drum that you need to know to become a professional drummer. There are also a lot of things that I previously listed to become a great drummer. But you don’t have to learn much to become a bad drummer.

  19. John 03/09/2017 at 5:39 AM

    Total fucktard. I guarantee that his girlfriend ran off with his drummer. Probably because he’s such a pussy!

  20. Will baker 03/22/2017 at 3:42 AM

    Who shat in your cereal fucking hell, without the drums you would have a aneurism trying to keep time, and you’re probably just projecting because you’re sad that you’re actually the dead beat in the band, poor oppressed guitarist

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