Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Beauty Baggins is your fortune teller

Hello and good day to you all. It’s been fairly brighhoroscopest and sunny these last couple of days, which has allowed me to crack on with some redecorating that I need to do. The warm(ish) afternoons have allowed me to open all the doors and windows to let out the smell of the paint. I’m quite sensitive to the fumes, see – once I got so delirious that I put socks on my ears and invited everyone round for a Christmas BBQ.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

This week you should avoid buying anything that has glass in it so no posh bottles of water for the next seven days or so. Technically this also includes train tickets because the train has glass windows and scientists will need to do non-radioactive things, whilst double-glazing salesman can just go jump off a cliff as far as I’m concerned. You can all shush your grumbling because it’s in aid of ‘Save the Dolphins Week’.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

All those old car tyres you have in your garage? Bung ‘em in the garden and have a nice hot fire. Any old tins of paint can be chucked in there as well. The arid stench will reach across at least three towns and the tyres make a fantastically weird noise as they burn, so locals and strangers alike will be able to join in with the fun. Screw the dolphins, it’s all about holes in the ozone layer and soaking up those rays these days.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Start up a new animal charity because, as far as I am concerned, there is no equality in this sector. Everyone goes on and on about the dolphins, yet I never hear so much as a peep about the squirrels… and I bloody love squirrels and I want one as a pet. I tried growing a tree in my house and sowed some peanuts about the place as bait, but the wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop being such an idiot. Anyone fancy swapping a squirrel for my wife? She makes a cracking cup of tea.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Right, you lot clearly use the Internet. There are plenty of ways to make money on the Internet with one of the most popular being a columnist or a writer for a web page… or maybe even being a fortune teller on a blog *cough*. Well, whatever you do, don’t ever try to sell, swap, or otherwise disparage your loved ones on said column or blog section – frying pans are lethal weapons and bad for one’s health if used incorrectly.

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10 responses to “Beauty Baggins is your fortune teller

  1. Random Female Blog 10/16/2011 at 5:25 PM

    What a coincidence, I just saw a squirrel in one of our trees. Shall I try to catch it for you?

    • Michael Cargill 10/16/2011 at 5:53 PM

      Hi there Random

      I would be most grateful if you were able to catch that squirrel for me and send it to me via express air mail. I will of course pay for the travel expenses and then on top of that any medical bills that arise if the rodent bites you and turns out to have rabies.

      Thanks

      Baggins.

  2. motherventing 10/16/2011 at 7:12 PM

    If I don’t have any car tyres to hand, is it OK to steal them from cars?

    • Michael Cargill 10/16/2011 at 7:41 PM

      Hi Venting

      I deal explicitly with fortunes and the future so any moral quandaries are outside of my usual domain. Therefore I say: steal ’em, stack ’em, burn ’em.

      Hope that helps

      Baggins.

  3. mooselicker 10/16/2011 at 9:34 PM

    I’m a libra and saw a wild turkey today near my home. In the nearly 2 years I have lived here I have not seen a wild turkey. I think it’s a sign…

    Save the Turkeys is now accepting donations. Cash or personal checks preferred.

    • Michael Cargill 10/17/2011 at 8:10 AM

      Hi Moose

      I am afraid I won’t be donating anything to your turkey charity. I find turkeys annoying and they all seem to disappear around Christmas time anyway. Have you considered the plight of the squirrels?

      Thanks

      Baggins.

      • motherventing 10/17/2011 at 9:30 AM

        Squirrels are rats with good PR. They can go feck themselves, tiny nut-obsessed bastards.

        • Michael Cargill 10/17/2011 at 9:49 AM

          How dare you, they are great! I love the way they can be so jittery and how their tails flicker all over the place.

          I saw one do a kind of kamikaze jump from one tree to another and then onto my fence the other day. It would have been quicker if he had just run down the tree and up the fence but it was good to watch the nimble little blighter at work.

          (this isn’t Baggins speaking this time)

          • motherventing 10/17/2011 at 2:43 PM

            They’re jittery cos they’re on crack. I’m v anti-drugs so I can’t get on with squirrels I’m afraid. That also means I don’t like dolphins, meerkats, ostriches or pandas. All on crack. All of them.

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