Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Window cleaner sees fewer naked chicks, quits job in protest
36-year old window cleaner David Simmons sensationally quit his minimum wage job after getting fed up with “Not seeing as many naked chicks as I used to.” David acknowledges that “times are tough for everyone,” so maybe people “just don’t feel confident about walking around completely naked these days,” but that “Enough is enough.” David told us “I’ve seen some great sights in all my years doing this job. I remember back in 1992 I saw 22-year old student Hayley Barb in her bra. She was a real hot bit of crumpet I can tell you and all the other lads were really jealous when I told them about it afterwards. They nicknamed me ‘Dirty Dave’ after that, a name that I am still proud of to this day.”
Soon after getting the job, David “started keeping a diary of everything interesting I saw,” something which he says marked him out as “A true professional dedicated to my craft as it’s one of the things that marked me out as the best,” he told us. “The lads would try and outdo me with tales of seeing Mrs Jenkins bending over or Mr Davorak pissing in the corner whilst drunk, but none of them had any proof of it. Any time someone doubted me I would just whip out the diary and show them.”
When camera phones first started appearing on the market, David was “Very, very excited,” but decided to “Wait a few years because the early ones were a bit rubbish.” For a while, David’s status fell as “Everyone else jumped right onto the camera phone bandwagon,” and “even a blurry, grainy colour picture of a fully clothed middle aged woman was worth a lot in them days.” The moment the iPhone went on sale David knew his time had come and he “Queued up outside Carphone Warehouse for a solid eight hours to get one,” and then “Went straight out to work, I had my bucket and squeegee with me the whole time.”
Despite quickly regaining his status, things “changed within a couple of years,” as “The hunters over-fished the seas, if you catch my drift.” Everywhere David looked “Someone was up a ladder and pointing their phone at something. People soon wised up, which was a real shame.” A bitter David then said, “You know, it’s like they betrayed us as seeing naked chicks was an unspoken perk of the job. Yeah, you paid £1.15 per set of windows cleaned, but the ‘wink-wink, nudge-nudge’ part of the deal was the occasional glimpse of someone in their underwear and they went back on their side of the bargain.”
“Well, let them reap what they sow because I’m done with the industry.”