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Amanda Knox freed; Hugh Heffner offers Playboy Mansion residency
10/03/2011Posted by on
Femme fatale suspect Amanda Knox was sensationally freed last night in what many people are proclaiming to be the story of the century. Knox said she was glad to “Finally escape from the clutches of the wizened and crab-clawed, dirty and perverted old men in Italy who view women as objects,” and is looking forward to “being taken under the protective wing of Hugh Heffner at the Playboy Mansion.” Knox’s family have asked that “people respect her right to privacy,” and that, “The full story will be appearing in the Christmas 2011 edition of the Playboy Yearbook, priced $19.95 plus sales tax.”
Standing on the steps of the courthouse whilst her official Celeb Upskirt webcam.com representative crouched down below her, she said “Initially I was sceptical about Hugh’s offer, but once I learnt that he had already figured out what my swimsuit size was, and how much airbrushing I was willing to put up with, I knew I was safe in his hands. I was really impressed with his attention to detail, it showed he really cared about me and my future.”
This isn’t the first time that Hugh Heffner has attempted a scoop like this. In 1995 he tried to seal a similar deal with convicted serial killer Rose West for Playboy UK, pulling out only when he realised that “She’s gorram ugly,” and “turned out to be guilty anyway.” Behind closed doors Heffner was heard to admit that he was also concerned about what industry experts call ‘Mucky muff syndrome’ and that “If British dentistry is as bad as I’ve heard, hell knows what the rest of her will be like.”
Heffner was too busy washing his dressing gown to comment further.