Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Amanda Knox freed; Hugh Heffner offers Playboy Mansion residency


Femme fatale suspect Amanda Knox was sensationally freed last night in what many people are proclaiming to be the story of the century. Knox said she was glad to “Finally escape from the clutches of the wizened and crab-clawed, dirty and perverted old men in Italy who view women as objects,” and is looking forward to “being taken under the protective wing of Hugh Heffner at the Playboy Mansion.” Knox’s family have asked that “people respect her right to privacy,” and that, “The full story will be appearing in the Christmas 2011 edition of the Playboy Yearbook, priced $19.95 plus sales tax.”

Standing on the steps of the courthouse whilst her official Celeb Upskirt webcam.com representative crouched down below her, she said “Initially I was sceptical about Hugh’s offer, but once I learnt that he had already figured out what my swimsuit size was, and how much airbrushing I was willing to put up with, I knew I was safe in his hands. I was really impressed with his attention to detail, it showed he really cared about me and my future.”

This isn’t the first time that Hugh Heffner has attempted a scoop like this. In 1995 he tried to seal a similar deal with convicted serial killer Rose West for Playboy UK, pulling out only when he realised that “She’s gorram ugly,” and “turned out to be guilty anyway.” Behind closed doors Heffner was heard to admit that he was also concerned about what industry experts call ‘Mucky muff syndrome’ and that “If British dentistry is as bad as I’ve heard, hell knows what the rest of her will be like.”

Heffner was too busy washing his dressing gown to comment further.


12 responses to “Amanda Knox freed; Hugh Heffner offers Playboy Mansion residency

  1. mooselicker 10/03/2011 at 11:41 PM

    I’m glad to see it all turned out well for that sweet young woman. She won’t be executed, but she’ll get to sleep with the dead every night.

  2. malf922 10/04/2011 at 8:36 AM

    That’s the true oddity of the sex industry really, that someone of any sort of fame, be it for positive reason or not, is appealing to see nude or in a sex tape. Take the most vile woman in America today, Casey Anthony. If she was an unpopular porn star, she would be mediocre at best as far as how many guys would want to see her in action. But given her current situation, if there was a sex tape now, it would be the most viral video in the history of the internet, strange…

    • Michael Cargill 10/04/2011 at 10:21 AM

      Yup, that’s very true! The moment a moderately attractive woman is in the news, internet forums across the globe are full of posts saying “Can’t wait to see her sex tape!”.

      Casey Anthony sounds like a man’s name but after checking Google images I really cannot wait to see her sex tape.

      • malf922 10/04/2011 at 10:36 AM

        Yeah, as a man I have to say that I would probably watch it, but some of us take it too far. I’m sure there’s one horny bastard out there who would watch her in action and make a horrible inuendo such as “Oh man, I’d let her kill my kid, if you know what I mean…”

  3. Bothered 10/04/2011 at 2:49 PM

    i didn’t realize how really funny you were until I perused your site a little more thoroughly. This was very good. I just wonder how long Hugh Heffner can go on. Cialis, and viagra can only go so far.

    • Michael Cargill 10/04/2011 at 3:44 PM

      Thank you very much!

      I reckon Hugh is like an old broom that has had it’s head and it’s handle replaced a dozen times – he has had so many different body parts replaced that he isn’t the same person any more.

  4. motherventing 10/08/2011 at 7:19 PM

    I threw up in my mouth a bit thinking that Rose West might have featured in Playboy UK, but then you SAVED it by stating that, yeah, she is incredibly ugly. (was? Is she dead? He’s dead, I know, but is she? Do I really care? No. I’ll shut up)

    You’re a funny fella, I’m coming back for more

    • Michael Cargill 10/08/2011 at 8:26 PM

      Why thank you very much!

      I am sad to report that Rose West is very much alive and well, no doubt playing on her Xbox in a cushy cell somewhere in Dartmoor prison. She probably doesn’t pay council tax either.

      I tell you, it’s one rule for sociopathic serial killers and another rule for the rest of us.

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