Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Michael Jackson’s last visit to Irish pub; slurred speech, delusions of grandeur

gloveFun

Revelations of Michael Jackson’s last visit to his favourite Irish-themed pub have started to emerge over the last few days. The singer, described as “Just a regular Joe propping up the bar whenever he came in,” was in high spirits at McMurphys, an establishment just round the corner from his Neverland Ranch in California. Pub owner Max Maxwell Maxly said “He came in here most Fridays when he was in the area. As soon as he stepped over the line into this place, he was a different person. Off came the face mask and all that bullshit about saving dolphins went out the window. His concierge would ring ahead so we could start pouring his favourite Guinness tipple before he got here; that stuff takes a good twenty minutes to settle and Jackson liked it be to ready when he arrived.”

Numerous other revellers at McMurphys said Jackson was “A whole lot of fun,” and “one of us, he never tried to skip a round.” John Flagon said “On that last night he was on top form as usual. Brussel sprouts always gave him bad wind and he had eaten a whole bag of them for lunch. Come midnight, his guts were moving and shaking and he was up on the table with some guys who were lighting each other’s farts. Jackson quite literally blew them away, it was spectacular and hilarious. When he asked us if his face was starting to melt he really brought the house down.”

Secrets

Jackson wasn’t afraid of talking about his private life and he described Lisa Marie Presley as having “A great ass,” but “couldn’t Moonwalk for shit.” Macaulay Culkin was apparently “An annoying little shit,” and he only allowed him to appear in his music videos because he “Was real good with computers and often fixed things up when I got a virus.”

Max Maxwell Maxly emotionally told us “He really was the greatest performer the world has ever seen. We all miss him.”

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7 responses to “Michael Jackson’s last visit to Irish pub; slurred speech, delusions of grandeur

  1. Cathal 09/28/2011 at 9:22 AM

    That’s fuckin’ awesome Cargill! Keep up the good work!

  2. mooselicker 09/29/2011 at 12:04 AM

    I thought he was doing baby talk in that new sound bite. Perhaps transitioning over to steal Adam Sandler’s career?

  3. gingerfightback 09/30/2011 at 3:15 PM

    If only Michael had let us see the real him more often – your report paints the picture of a real fun guy. I like guinness too so at least I had that in common with him.

  4. Nova Amiko 04/16/2012 at 10:57 PM

    “As soon as he stepped over the line into this place he was a different person. Off came the mask…”

    MY GOD!!!! That thing could peel off !?! What the HELL was underneath ???

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