Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Beauty Baggins does hororscopes
09/25/2011Posted by on
The bit in the title bar mentions my name so need for me to introduce myself this time. I hate doing introductions because they are so cheesy and cliched, you know? At parties everyone is kind of standing there with a wine glass and a sausage roll (or a doughnut if it’s earlier in the day) standing in a kind of circle just looking at each other. The men try to position themselves in a place where they can peer down the ladies’ tops without being noticed, and the ladies… actually I don’t know what they do. But anyway, introductions are rubbish.
Pisces, Taurus, Gemini
A film called ‘The King’s Ransom’ is available very cheaply down your local ‘Everything for £1’ shop, so you should get down there and buy a copy. Your sister is going to ask if you can babysit for her in a few days’ time and this DVD will be a cheap way to keep the child occupied whilst you mow the lawn or something.
Cancer, Leo, Scorpio
If you still have that ‘You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps!’ t-shirt that you bought during a trip to London, you should get rid of it pronto. Nothing bad will happen if you don’t, but you look a complete plonker every time you wear it to work on dress-down Fridays.
Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra
Turn the TV on. Yeah, do it now. Okay, it’s good you’ve finally learnt how to use the remote controls for the TV you bought six months ago. Right, whack it on channel 56. I don’t care if that channel went bankrupt, just do it and stop moaning. Oops, it’s actually channel 45 that I meant. Right, you see that woman celebrating her lottery win on the news? Well that could have been you if you had bothered to buy a ticket.
Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries
Good news for you lot! If you go out and buy some blankets they’ll keep you warm for when your boiler blows up in a few days. Okay, so it’s not actually good news, but I like to put a positive spin on things occasionally. Make sure you don’t get the cheap ones from the pet shop though otherwise your dog might do stuff all over it.