Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Beauty Baggins does hororscopes

The bit in the title bar mentions my name so need for me to introdhoroscopesuce myself this time. I hate doing introductions because they are so cheesy and cliched, you know? At parties everyone is kind of standing there with a wine glass and a sausage roll (or a doughnut if it’s earlier in the day) standing in a kind of circle just looking at each other. The men try to position themselves in a place where they can peer down the ladies’ tops without being noticed, and the ladies… actually I don’t know what they do. But anyway, introductions are rubbish.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

A film called ‘The King’s Ransom’ is available very cheaply down your local ‘Everything for £1’ shop, so you should get down there and buy a copy. Your sister is going to ask if you can babysit for her in a few days’ time and this DVD will be a cheap way to keep the child occupied whilst you mow the lawn or something.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

If you still have that ‘You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps!’ t-shirt that you bought during a trip to London, you should get rid of it pronto. Nothing bad will happen if you don’t, but you look a complete plonker every time you wear it to work on dress-down Fridays.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

Turn the TV on. Yeah, do it now. Okay, it’s good you’ve finally learnt how to use the remote controls for the TV you bought six months ago. Right, whack it on channel 56. I don’t care if that channel went bankrupt, just do it and stop moaning. Oops, it’s actually channel 45 that I meant. Right, you see that woman celebrating her lottery win on the news? Well that could have been you if you had bothered to buy a ticket.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

Good news for you lot! If you go out and buy some blankets they’ll keep you warm for when your boiler blows up in a few days. Okay, so it’s not actually good news, but I like to put a positive spin on things occasionally. Make sure you don’t get the cheap ones from the pet shop though otherwise your dog might do stuff all over it.

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3 responses to “Beauty Baggins does hororscopes

  1. greatlakessocialist 09/27/2011 at 9:06 AM

    I’m a Libra and there’s a show about archaeology on. What does this mean?

    • Michael Cargill 09/27/2011 at 9:56 AM

      Hi there Lake.

      In my experience if things don’t go according to my predictions it is because someone has got their birthday wrong. Have you checked that your birth certificate is not a forgery? It might be worth double checking that you aren’t a centuries old immortal because leap years can confuse things a bit.

      Hope that helps.

      Baggins.

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