Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

England beat Romanian orphans at rugby

Taking a break from fox hunting and polishing bowler hats this Broken eggweekend, the England rugby team all squeezed into a taxi and popped over to a Romanian orphanage to challenge some kids to a game of rugby kicks and handshakes. Neither team managed to score in 105 minutes of tense to-and-fro gameplay but when the bell went in the 18th round, the judges awarded a unanimous points victory to Queen Victoria’s well-behaved and thoroughly pleasant chaps.

The referee, a part-time student from the North Pole, had forgotten to bring his whistle and so had to make do with the kazoo that he was in his pocket. This initially caused some confusion as the kazoo is a centrepiece on the Romanian flag, so for the first fifteen minutes of the game the Romanians were following the ref around and saluting him whenever he tried to blow for a foul.

England had a try disallowed because the ref was blowing in the wrong end of his stick and the umpire was having a chin-wag with a disabled fan who had just won a Sudoku competition to see Justin Bieber live in his back garden. At half-time the England team made some cucumber sandwiches for the confused Romanians who had never seen bread before, and they proceeded to stuff them into their socks to use as shin pads. Johnny Wilkinson thought this was hilarious and took some pictures on his iPhone to send back to his mum. His mother owns a crockery factory and she plans on making some commemorative dinner plate sets to celebrate the moment, and they will be available via postal order in the back of The Sunday Times. Mentioning ‘The sun never sets on the British Empire’ somewhere in your order will get you a 10% discount.

During the post-match press conference Johnny Wilkinson stated that the Romanian’s inability to teach the England players how to speak the Romanian language in ten easy steps justified any NATO intervention that might occur sometime in the future.

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