Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Scientists discover ‘faster than the speed of shark’ penguin


Scientists at Sea World in Florida have been left baffled and overjoyed after they discovered that one of their penguins in the penguin enclosure of the Penguin Quarter of the Polar Bears, Penguins and Sea Lions section, managed to swim faster than a shark not just once, but a staggering fifteen hundred times.

A scientist with a neat selection of pens in his breast pocket and a ‘Pepparami, it’s a bit of an animal!’ baseball cap on his head told us “Oh mate, it was well mad yeah, we sent this penguin on an errand to tell his wife to STFU and, no word of a lie right, he was back before any of us could even blink. We weren’t sure if he did it properly, yeah, but after we checked that his bit of skirt was back putting the washing out like she ought to be doing we knew he was the real deal, yeah. Every bloody day she’s putting her arse about and asking for a massage, right, but hats off to the fella, he has finally got her to behave herself.”


The speed of shark has been used as a measure of swimming speed since 1956 when Donald Shark, the famous sharkologist, became the first person to break the sound barrier in a shark-shaped dingy in the Dead Sea. Shortly after paddling back to shore Donald was asked by a reporter why he chose the Dead Sea for his record attempt and Donald famously replied “Because I live right next door to it, you arse-faced pillock.”

He wasn’t one to suffer fools gladly


2 responses to “Scientists discover ‘faster than the speed of shark’ penguin

  1. mooselicker 09/24/2011 at 7:36 PM

    Penguins finally getting their due as a super species.

  2. Michael Cargill 09/24/2011 at 7:54 PM

    Hell yeah. When it comes to animals I am quite the socialist and my motto is ‘every dog has it’s day’.

    Apart from cats that is, they are untrustworthy creatures who deserve nothing.

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