Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

REM announce split after candy snack fall out


REM have sensationally announced that they are splitting up after falling out over an argument about M&Ms whilst en-route to a 7-11 shop in Australia.

Michael Stipes’ mother was in tears as she told us, “He’s always taken his nibble-snacks very seriously and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He sent me a text message saying that Peter Buck had stolen all the yellow ones, which everyone knows are his favourite. It turned out that it was all a joke and someone had just painted them a different colour, but by then the damage was done. He’s going to go back to writing nursery rhymes and spend some time watching the episodes of CSI that I have been recording for him.”


REM originally formed in 1975 after meeting in a long queue at a local supermarket. The tills weren’t working properly and Stipes started singing “Why are we waiting, we are suffocating,” to alleviate the boredom. Some of the other customers began tapping their feet and humming along and, well, the rest is history. They first started out doing cover versions of Little Bo Peep and Mary Had a Little Lamb, but once they sacked Stipes’ niece as their manager they developed into a grittier, harder rock band.

Asked if he had any regrets, Stipes said “Sort of but not really… I dunno, it’s all very emotional right now. I remember when Bill Berry quit, we never thought we would ever recover because he was the only one who had a spinner board for our Twister games. We were really upset and when we went round his house and threw eggs at his bedroom window, he didn’t even come out or anything. He always was a bit of a pussy.”


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