Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.
Online dating profile of a World of Warcraft player
09/21/2011Posted by on
Hi, my name is Geoff and I’m rather fond of my name due to how unique it is. There aren’t many people out there with the same name as me which is something that makes me feel special and mentally empowered. I haven’t ever met a girl called Geoff so that’s already fifty percent of the world’s population that can be ruled out and I can state with full confidence that if my name was Pascal I would probably commit suicide.
Back when I was younger I was in the garden making sandcastles out of mud when I saw a frog hop past me. I had never been so close to a frog before so I ran away, just in case it tried to trick me into licking it. The next day the frog was gone and the rain had washed away my sandcastles. This all happened back in the days when my next door neighbour still had a cat.
My favourite hobby is collecting things and my best collection was an assortment of rocks from my back garden. The best thing about collecting stones was that I was able to find good ones almost every time I went outside; sometimes I managed find really nice sticks as well. I once used a rock to break open a wasp’s nest and they came and stung me, so I stopped collecting rocks after that. At the moment I’m collecting bird feathers and I don’t like people who collect stamps.
In my room I have a picture of a unicorn that I drew one day when it was raining. I was actually trying to draw a horse but I did the ears wrong so I was forced to improvise. Nowadays when it rains I sit on my favourite stool and look out the window. I only have the one stool and one of the legs are a bit wobbly.
My ideal girlfriend would be someone who likes to do fun stuff. If she had a VHS tape player we could watch the New Kids on the Block video that I once found outside a charity shop. On Thursdays we could try to make friends with the barking dog at the end of my road. I think the dog is lonely as he does nothing but bark all day from behind a fence. I think the three of us could be friends but only on Thursdays as that is when I go to the nearby field and hide in the grass like a tiger. If I saw a tiger I would name it Beatrice and we could hide together whilst eating ice cream in the bushes.
I live near a bus stop which means catching the bus is really easy for me. Sometimes, when the bus is late, I like to pretend that I’m a driver who has got lost and I’ve got to find my way back without the passengers realising what is wrong. I have a really good sense of direction which would be great for this. I also live near a corner shop and sometimes I steal Chupa Chups lollypops when the owner isn’t looking. I told the shop owner that my name is Maxwell just in case he catches me and calls the police. If I was a policeman, I would be just like the man who puts his glasses on and sings the Yeah! song in CSI Thingy.
I would like to holiday somewhere like Australia because it is so big and dangerous. There are buses that drive you into the outback and just leave you there to survive with your skills. If you get into trouble they can locate and rescue you by satellite but I wouldn’t need to do that. My best ever holiday was when I went to the beach with my friend and we dug holes in case we found treasure. The plan was that if one of us found any treasure, we would take it and re-bury it in one of the other holes we had made. This would mean that no-one else would ever find it but the only thing we discovered was an empty bag of cashew nuts. I once heard a rumour that they were going to make lemonade flavoured Wotsits, but I have never seen them in the shops.
I have seen lots of films and all of them were in colour. I don’t like black and white films as they are boring but I did like Forrest Gump even though they used a few clips of black and white TV shows. My favourite bit of that film is when he uses Bubba’s boat to go and get shrimp. Being on a boat would be great to go places you had never visited before and you could meet other people who use boats as well. I’ve never tried shrimp as it sounds like something only a really small person would eat and I am not small.
I like music and my favourite band is Cold Storage. Whenever I listen to them it makes me happy and I often imagine hanging around with them backstage, talking about their awesome poetry. If I was in a band I would definitely release an album every year and do loads of concerts all over the world. I wouldn’t play in Yemen though, because I heard that if you played the wrong song or said something bad about cows, you could get put in prison forever. If I was ever in prison I would be like Red in Shawshank Redemption and buy posters and stuff for all my friends.