Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

Ireland wins at rugby; Australia enters credit crunch

Sensitiverugby

Sensational scenes were seen at the sensational Stadium of Eden Park this avro as Ireland (population of 57) beat Australia in a game of rugby scrums. Ireland won the coin toss and so got first choice selection as to which piece to play as. They went with the boot which left Australia to choose between either the top hat, the iron, or the dog. The referee quickly discovered that neither the Irish nor the Australian team captains were capable of speaking English, so he just went with the flow and awarded Ireland a deserved win after only twenty three minutes of play.

The result was announced via text message and within minutes Australia entered an economic slump, the kind of which has never been witnessed before in the fledgling nation’s five year history. Australia has struggled to excel at anything other than fringe sports in the last century or so and this loss has really hammered a country that is hammered 90% of the time anyway. Australian Prime Minister Alf Stewart said, “Well mate, those boys out there were a bunch of flaming mongrels and now we’re all in the shitter without a piddle paddle. Austerity measures? I haven’t got a diddle daddle what that is. Is it possible you could post one to me?”

From the top

Irish First Premier, Ahern Flaherty O’Flaherty, sounded upbeat as he told us “To be sure, this is good news for the whole of Oireland. I was out walking me goat and watching the game through the window of DID Electrical when the news came through and I couldn’t believe me ears. I haven’t been this happy since Boyzone won a BRIT Award for dancing in front of a camera. I’ve seen them live twice and even managed to get autographs for my daughter, though I threw them away when I found out that one of them was gay.”

Reports of the Australian fans trying to eat the rest of the crowd at half time are unconfirmed, and the World Association for Rugby said they would wait for the referees match report before doing anything else.

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