Michael Cargill

Regular updates of sarcastic and irreverent nonsense.

An ugly man tells you your fortunes

Yo. Beauty Baggins here and I’horoscopesm going to use my special powers to tell you what the next week or so has in store for you. I sometimes wish I had other powers as well ‘cos telling everyone else what is going to happen gets boring after a while. I really like ice cream and I have a tub of Neapolitan in the freezer that I like to save for special occasions; thing is, the lid gets brittle after a while and it always snaps when I open it – if I had the ability to open that lid without having it splinter into a dozen pieces that would be awesome.

Pisces, Taurus, Gemini

This week you should avoid Mars Bars and Kit Kats completely, especially if your name is Dave and your job involves going up a ladder. If you find yourself getting peckish you should stick to cream cheese triangles instead. Don’t do what I did and mistake processed cheese for blue-tac – it caused all my posters to fall down, the room stank for ages, and the kids were puking up all over the place.

Cancer, Leo, Scorpio

Always look both ways when crossing the street because that crazy old buffoon from up the road still hasn’t realised he is too old to drive. Why is it that the only person who never suffers a break down or a smashed windscreen is him? There is no justice in this world and I, for one, am sick of it.

Capricorn, Aquarius, Libra

“There’s something very important I forgot to tell you! Don’t cross the streams!” is what Egon Spengler advised in Ghostbusters. Well, what does he know? I felt entirely safe putting tomato sauce in my coffee one day last year and nothing bad happened to me. Clever scientist? Is he bollocks. The drink tasted nasty mind, so you probably don’t want to try it.

Virgo, Sagittarius, Aries

The batteries in your TV remote control are running low so you should get them replaced. This will spare some blushes when trying to change the channels quickly when your wife walks in on you watching those late night channels that you claimed you didn’t watch any more. If your name is Charlie Sheen you can ignore this advice because you’re batshit mental anyway.

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3 responses to “An ugly man tells you your fortunes

  1. Anonymous 09/19/2011 at 9:20 AM

    What about Scorpios?

  2. jennygoth 09/21/2011 at 8:38 PM

    hope i am batshit mental im aries and that suits me fine lol xxjen different is better

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