Justin Bieber’s diary

Dear diary

The other morning I woke up and saw that it was sunny outside so I thought summer had arrived but then I did a sneeze which made me feel all cold so mummy told me to put a jumper on.  I went out into the garden to play on my big blue slide but there was a pigeon on it and I had to wait until he flew away.  I once heard daddy say that pigeons are like flying rats and I don’t like rats because I heard they eat children and live in the sewers with all the poo.  I hope there isn’t any poo on my slide because mummy would shout at me if my trousers got dirty and I sometimes do a cry when she shouts.

When it was time for lunch mummy asked me if I wanted the alphabet or the dinosaur spaghetti shapes and straight away I chose the dinosaurs.  I like dinosaurs because they are big and strong and can go to bed whenever they want to.  Afterwards I did a big windy-pop that smelled like pickled onions and lemonade.  Mummy asked if it was me who did it and I said that it was and then she asked if I was sorry and I said that I was and then she told me not to do it again so I didn’t.

I went outside on my bike and rode around in a circle really fast.  I started to get really dizzy and then I fell off and hurt my knee so mummy came out and kissed it better and put a plaster on it.  I went on my bike again but this time went round the other way and I got dizzy again and fell over and hurt my other knee.  Mummy came out and shouted at me and wouldn’t kiss it better but she put a plaster on it and said it will get better by itself.  I hope my unkissed knee does get better because if it fell off it would be really hard for the doctors to put it back on again.

If I was a dinosaur I would be a four-legged dinosaur because they can’t fall over and hurt their knees although I don’t think they can ride bikes either.

Odds and Sudds

Has anyone else noticed how hippos are like old people?  They’re constantly smiling, don’t seem to have many teeth, and it wouldn’t surprise me if they were prone to pissing themselves after getting lost in the supermarket.

Frazzle R, Bolton

I once put my microwave on for three hours, the highest setting I can put the timer to, just to see what would happen.  Five minutes before the end there was a power cut along my road, so I never found out.

John W, Lancs

A candle is the ideal ornament for fooling guests into thinking that you’ve got a pet rabbit, provided that it is brown, shaped like a rabbit, and surrounded by half-eaten carrot ends.

Bob L, Woolton

Alcoholics: Remember that you go to the bar for a drink, and the urinal when you need a piss, rather than the other way round.

Jack D, US

Last week whilst cutting my toenails, I suddenly thought of the song It’s the End of the World as We Know It by REM.  Five minutes later, next door’s cat was hit by a car.  Has anyone else suffered a near-miss premonition of Armageddon like that?

Frank, London

I recently learnt that DVD stands for Digital Versatile Disc.  That’s all well and good, but if you snap one in half you are left with sharp pieces of plastic lying around.  There’s a fine line between versatile and dangerous, and these guys crossed that line years ago.

Bob, Devon

Talking of near-misses, a bee flew right into my face whilst I was relaxing in the garden the other day.  Thank heavens I wasn’t a pilot trying to land a passenger-laden Boeing 767 airliner at the time.

Pilot, Airbus

Jake – my latest book now available! Free for reviewers and followers

At last!  It’s here!  It’s finished!  My latest book is now occupying the digital shelves of an online shop somewhere near you.  And by jove, would it be thrilled to have your mouse pointer tickling under its nose.

All those months of head scratching, typing, formatting, the endless rounds of editing and begging people to help me with the proof reading… I’m sick of the sight of the damned thing.  But it’s finished!  WOWZERS.

And I’ll be starting a new one soon…

This particular story is centred around a teenage boy called Jake, and it’s all about the teenage insecurities that are bouncing around his head as he battles from one day to the next.  There’s drama, there’s jealousy, there’s shouting, there’s tragedy, there’s… well, you’ll just have to see for yourself.

I’d like to thank OCD Reader, Weichu, and Louise Savage for their gracious help during the editing stages.  Their delicate beady eyes spotted what my tired puffy ones could not.

Kindlers can download it directly from Amazon US and Amazon UK, whilst owners of Nooks and the like can download the epub/PDF/Sony version from Smashwords

If you’re willing to write a short review of the book on somewhere like Amazon, Facebook, Goodreads, or your blog then you can grab yourself a free copy from Smashwords using this code - JU97J

Jealousy, lust, and teenage insecurities are the lifeblood of any large school.

Loneliness can strike without warning, spreading through the cramped corridors like an epidemic.

Out on the playground, rivalries are formed from the pettiest of incidents.

Some people look at Jake in awe, others look at him with hatred.

Jake is just an ordinary boy who wants to be liked.

Jake wants to know why the girls never seem to notice him.

Jake is… well, he’s Jake.

Odds and Sodds

I don’t care what the advertising blurb says; a Starbucks gift voucher would make a really crap Christmas present.

John G, Manchester

Shoppers: fed up with tax-dodging supermarkets getting free advertising at your expense?  Simply turn your ‘complimentary’ plastic carrier bags inside out next time you pack your groceries up.  That’ll teach the robbing bastards.

Sarah F, Bolton

I don’t know about anyone else, but I find the misspelling of the word ‘Sods’ highly distracting.  Not only that, it sets a bad example to young, impressionable children and future generations will look back on this as time of decadence and illiteracy.

Dave, English teacher at Highbury secondary school

To the driver of the number 60 bus who decided to drive off, just as I got to the bus stop after sprinting 50 yards to get there on time: you’re a wanker.

Adam R, Rochester

A well peeled baby carrot serves as an ideal prop to fool people into thinking you are eating a human finger from a distance.

Satan, Hell

To the English teacher complaining about the misspelling of the title, I think you’ll find it was used as a way of keeping the alliteration consistent.

Michael C, England

If you’re bursting for a shit mid-way through a long shift, simply rush back to the depot as quickly as you can.

Driver, number 60 bus

Bits of Cargill – all my hilarity, in one book!

Yeeees!  I’ve finally done it, what everyone has been wanting me to do for so long now!  A vasectomy!  Er, I mean, erm, I finally published all my funniest articles as a book.

Here, check out the blurby bit:

Justin Bieber’s diary. Vladimir Putin reviews a glass of Coke. Steve Jobs speaks from heaven. Vegetarians are the real hunters.

Satirical news items, opinion pieces, and other nonsense. 

Phew, I’m exhausted.  If you’re already a blog subscriber, then feel free to make use of the Smashwords code below to download a free copy.  Likewise, if you’re a book reviewer of some sort, then feel free to use the code as well.  Any streakers that are planning on running naked in front of the cameras at the Olympics, feel free to use the code in exchange for writing the book title across your bum cheeks.

Kindle owners can buy it on Amazon UK and Amazon US.  Nook owners, Sony ereader owners, and PDF fans, can get it at Smashwords

The Smashwords code for a free version is - WB24B

‘Dust is magic’ claims owner of Magic Dust Confectionery

Sweet

Tony Wood, owner of the Magic Dust Confectionery corporation, has kick started a war of words, by stating that “Every speck of dust, has a touch of magic about it.  Everyone should eat more dust.”  The controversial comments were made during a high-level corporate meeting, to discuss a new marketing strategy.  When asked to confirm if he stood by his statement, Tony was unapologetic, and said, “Yeah.”

Blissfully unaware of the maelstrom that he had set in motion, Wood then went to a fast food restaurant, once the meeting had finished.  According to McDonalds employee Sue Marks, he had “A Big Mac, medium orange juice, and six chicken McNuggets.  He didn’t seem familiar with the the menu, so I asked him if he wanted a meal deal for only an extra 50 pence.  I was surprised when he turned this down, but what can you do in these days of the customer always being right?  I recommended the BBQ ranch dip for his nuggets, but he declined that as well.  He was wearing a suit, so he probably didn’t want to get anything on his shirt.  Makes sense, I guess, but that dip really is nice.”

Sour

Part-time cleaner John Redgrass wasn’t happy, when he heard about Wood’s claims.  ”Look, I spend all bloody day sweeping up after these people, and he comes out with rubbish like that.”  Redgrass is keen to dispel the myth before it gets out of control, “Not many people know this, but dust is actually about 70% shedded human skin.  So, can someone tell me what’s so bloody magic about that?  He’s basically promoting cannibalism.  I’m absolutely fuming here, and I haven’t even got around to washing the windows, yet.”

Asthma sufferer Jenny Grain also disagreed with Wood.  ”I reckon he’s mentally ill.  I have to hoover every, single, room in my house, three times a week, because of my condition.  If he thinks that that counts as magic, he’s probably been spending too much time watching those crappy David Blaine clips.”

Underneath – my debut novel! Free for reviewers, blog subscribers and NHS employees

Phew!  After what seems like an eternity, my latest book is finally published!  Yes!  This is actually my very first novel, but the fifth book overall that I have written.  The synposis is thus:

Look at the person sitting just across from you. It doesn’t matter whether they’re a loved one, a friend, or a complete stranger.

Now look at their face. Are they happy? Are they sad? Or are they angry? Can you even tell?

How well do you actually know the people closest to you?

Have you ever seen the real person that lies just underneath what you see…?

Thriller fans will be utterly thrilled, as it is a thriller story.  If you are already a follower of this blog, then you get a free copy ‘cos you are special.  If you are a reviewer of some kind, please help yourself to a free copy and do a giveaway of 10 copies if you so wish.  Lastly, but most importantly, if you work for the British NHS (nurses, doctors, surgeons, support staff, etc.), you are also entitled to a free copy.  Although I believe in the spirit of the NHS, the current UK government seems to be doing its level best to destroy it, so this is my way of trying to give something back and showing some support.  Use the coupon code below to download the book, and feel free to share it around.

Thanks are owed to the lovely Chez Sasha for stuff about French people, and also to country girl Julie Rainey, comma chameleon Terry Tyler, book mentalist OCD Reader, Malibu advocate Melanie Cusick-Jones, and the blogless John Taylor for their immense help during the tortuous proof-reading stage.

Thanks also to the moderators of various groups over on Goodreads.

Recently these people have tagged me on their blogs – JR Barker, Karen Payze and Raebeth McGee

The book is available from Amazon US and Amazon UK to buy.  Those wanting to get their mits on their free copy can get it from Smashwords, using the coupon code below.

Code for a free ‘un - GQ36H

‘I want to be a battering ram when I grow up’ says billiards cue

Smash

An ambitious young billiards cue has spoken of his “burning desire” to quite literally “be at the head of dawn raids all across the country.  All you perps out there had better watch out ‘cos I might be smashing your back doors in soon.  The moment that back-and-forward motion starts I get a rush of blood to the head.  Ask anyone from around here, there aint no stopping me once I get going.  I don’t even blink at the point of impact; I want to see the whites of your eyes.”

The cue, who currently resides in a pub in Walthamstow, said that he first got the idea “when a pirate version of Lord of the Rings was being shown on the TV in the bar.  There was this bit where the ogres where using a massive log to smash a castle door down.  It was so exciting, the battering ram worked his way right inside and was shouting at all the perps.  He had definitely done it before, he was such a pro.”

Shot

The cue told us “I can’t wait to get out of this place, it’s full of scumbags.  Once I just lying there on the beize, minding my own business, when someone threw up on me.  I had only just had a fresh bit of chalk put on my head, it was humiliating. Sometimes I can still hear the screams of the pool table in my sleep.  Just thinking about it makes my skin crawl.”

“It wasn’t always like this.  I remember when I first came here, every night was an adventure.  The boys would look me up and down and hold me towards the light to see how straight I was.  I was full of confidence back then.  They would stroke and caress me like I was their own.”

“Then they would let me headbutt the shit out of the cue ball all night.  It was marvellous.”

‘Big balls ruined my life’ claims shot put enthusiast

Shot

38-year old amateur athlete Bryan Richards has spoken out after realising that “treating everything as if it was a heavy metal ball resting against my shoulder isn’t all that it is cracked up to be.  It’s given me a permanent crick in the neck and shifted my Adam’s apple all over the place.  My social life is in tatters.”

“All those shot putters, they look so wily and strong.  I wanted to be a part of it,” Bryan said.  However it turns out there is an unknown darkside to having such well-developed shoulders.  ”If I was on the phone I would find myself involuntarily hurling it across the room.  None of the mobile phone companies will sell me insurance any more.”

Smash

“I once had some friends round and cooked them dinner.  I fried some eggs and couldn’t help but lob them into the frying pan from the other side of the kitchen.  All the yolks ended up broken and full of bits of shell, it was a disaster.  Afterwards we played that game where you pass an orange around under your neck.  When it was my turn I squeezed too hard and covered everyone in juice.  By the end of the evening the walls were covered in peel and pith, it was humiliating.”

Bryan’s fixation has even resulted in bannings from pet shops.  ”I was in Pets 4 U and picked up a little baby hedgehog.  It started moving around and then curled itself up into a ball.  Before I knew what I was doing, I had thrown it across the shop and burst a little girl’s balloon.  She started crying and then I noticed my hands and neck were all scratched up.”

“It’s a good job I hadn’t picked up a porcupine.”

Border watch; possum denied re-entry to zoo

Blocked

Barmy officials at a zoo in Coventry have denied entry to a five-year old possum – despite the fact that he is one of their own.  The understandably distressed marsupial has been left in legal-limbo ever since.  ”I got chasing a moth and before you know it I found myself miles from home with no scratching post in sight.  It was getting dark by the time I got back and if I don’t have my eucalyptus leaves before bedtime then I get cranky.  Everyone round here knows that.”

32-year old Chief Zoo Security Officer told us “I can confirm that a bedraggled possum attempted to gain access to these premises at 0200 hours via the main entrance point.  He didn’t have an appointment booked, no-one could vouch for him and he was giving off an aggressive odour.  He became abusive and started making a loud squeaking noise so we detained him.”

Rejected

The possum went on “I lost my security tag along the way as it was chafing against my arm.  I kept telling my keepers that I have sensitive skin but they never listen to me.  I don’t know what the security guy’s problem is, he was always happy when he was feeding me peanuts and taking photos of me for his kids.”

Zoo officials have said “Anyone seeking re-entry to the premises has to get their hand stamped.  It is up to each security official to show discretion and in this case the possum was asked to describe what was his sleeping area was like.  Unfortunately when we checked his cage it turned out some new bedding had been put down and his collection of half-eaten potatoes had been thrown away.”

“He has already tried playing dead twice this morning, he is a crafty one.”